Page 40 of Heart of a Killer

“You know you can’t have the one you want. It’s wrong. You are a sick and twisted swine for even thinking about it.”

My heart is ripping apart at the seams. I know I can’t have the one I want because it’s wrong. It’s immoral.

“She would hate you. You can’t do to her what your mom did to you.”

“God, Josh, I know. Don’t you think I know that?” I gesture at the woman crying on the floor. “This is me trying to find someone who isn’t her. All of this is forher.”

“Are you sure this isn’t for you as well?” He gives a cocky smirk. I want to rip his face off sometimes. He can be a real fucking prick.

I storm out of the room and leave the woman to take care of herself. Because nothing I’ve done so far to ease her into this with me has worked. Making my way to the office, I kick open the door and take my frustrations out on it instead.

The computer screen is on, the monitor showing the inside of a girl’s bedroom. No one is there. I’m disappointed and my chest feels hollowed out. I don’t understand how I can feel this way toward someone I’ve never even spoken to. She doesn’t even know me, but I know everything there is to know about her. I know that she could never love me the way I would want her to, but I want to try. It’s wrong.

Stop it, Alex. It’s wrong. She’s your sister; not only that, she’s a lesbian.

I’ve learned everything I know from her. Her browser history is at my disposal, and my tastes are what they are because of her. She started me down this path and my need for control. I can’t tell if she wants to lose herself in these depraved acts of pleasure or be the controller of it. I know what I want, but would she want the same?

“Hey, lover boy. Your recent snack found her an unlocked door.”

My teeth grind together as anger sizzles at Josh’s arrogance. I cut my eyes toward him, and all he does is grin even wider at my reaction.

“Look, if you wanna continue to wait for your dream girl, I can take care of your little problem for you.”

Josh is getting enjoyment out of all this. I should just let him have his fun because if not, he will poke and prod at me until he makes me do it myself.

“Fine, go have your fun with her and get out of my face.”

He leaves with a little more pep in his step than I anticipated, but at least he is out of my hair for now.

* * *

Sometimes I losestretches of time like I have now. I’m standing on the edge of a grave in the woods surrounding my house with no recollection of how this came to be. The one thing I do know is that Suzzie’s face looks like something I hurled up last weekend after drinking too much whiskey, and there’s an empty hole in the ground ready to be filled. Is this the life I was made for?

“Because, brother, the only difference between you and me is that I can do what you are too afraid to do.”

“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

Josh looks pleased as fucking punch with blood smattered across his face and on his white T-shirt.

“Face the truth, admit what I really want. You, on the other hand, are scared.”

* * *

“Leland, Leland.”

My head flops, my chin eventually resting on my chest. “Stop shaking me,” comes out as a whisper, but I must be heard because the shaking stops.

“Oh good, son, I thought we lost you there.”

I don’t have my full strength. My body is aching and limp from pulling against the restraints. As I sit and wait for my muscles to feel restored enough to move again, I can’t help but think of Josh.How many times did he kill? How many times did I help him hide the evidence? What is it that he says I can’t face, and who was I waiting for beyond that computer screen?

These questions continue to swirl around in my head on a loop.

I scan my surroundings and find that I’m in the infirmary. The cot sways a bit on its wheels when I sit up.

“No, lie back down. You need to rest,” one of the nurses says, pushing my shoulder back lightly. Her attempts fail, because I’m up and out of bed, regardless.

“You need to rest,” the nurse shrieks. She tugs my arm back toward the cot to lie down.

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