Page 19 of Heart of a Killer

“No.”

“That’s fine. You don’t have to tell me. We can just cuddle.”

“NO!” she screams at me before turning back to the piano and sitting down to play.

There’s a burning in my throat, and my eyes sting. Without saying anything else to her, I walk back to my room.

The weight of rejection sits heavy on my chest as I drag my feet through the halls. When I finally step into my room, I lean against the door for a moment before dragging myself to bed, where I lie with eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. Biting my lip, I consider seeking comfort where I shouldn’t. I need Alex right now, but he’s not himself. Maybe he could be, though, and before I know it, I’m back on my feet again.

8

Brieanna

My fingers play the keys, getting lost in the music. The notes play on my heart, and I close my eyes, letting them take over my body. The way Skylar’s lips felt on mine rams into my mind, and I try to concentrate on the music to drown out those thoughts. I promised I wouldn’t let Skylar be another Amanda. As soon as her name surfaces, I can see her sweet, smiling face behind my closed eyes.

It’sthe middle of summer, and we are in the garden for our outside time. I’m sitting cross-legged on the grass, puffing on a cancer stick. My body is buzzing from the rush of nicotine. The smell of fresh-cut grass and smoke fills my senses. My skin burns from where the sun is beaming down on my exposed arms. Amanda dances around me like a ballerina, and I swear that’s what she did before coming here. Still, she refuses to tell me anything about that. A large orange butterfly lands on her nose, and she stops to show me. Her face is bright, and her teeth are so white. If I could keep her up like this forever, I would. She giggles and laughs as the butterfly’s wings tickle her cheeks before it flies away.

The musicfrom my fingers comes faster, heavier, with an almost darker tone. A low burn forms in my throat and my extremities.

Amanda’s faceis pinched and red. Spit flies from her mouth when she yells, and all I do is push her away. She is tired of my probing questions and wants us to live in the moment. My teeth grind together to not say things I may regret, but that doesn’t stop me. The words echo in my brain like a phantom in the night: ‘If you can’t open up to me, then I don’t want you, Amanda. Fuck off and leave me alone.’

Banging on the keys harder,the notes are off-tune, and my breathing increases. I’m panting, and my eyes burn behind closed lids.

Amanda’s mental state wasn’t stable, and I kept pushing her. I wanted her past, present, and future. My love for her was consuming, and I didn’t realize that patience was what she needed most. I won’t let Skylar end up like Amanda.

The notes continue to swirl around me in a low cadence with dark and menacing tones. My fingers ache from the force I’m applying to the keys. As if they are the cause of all my problems.

With closed eyes, I see myself walking to Amanda’s room to apologize.

Pushingthe door only to be halted with a thump, I apply more force, and a loud screech accompanies it. The desk legs scrape the floor, making enough space for me to squeeze through the opening. The thumping noise is gone, and a pair of white slip-on shoes with brown stains catch in my periphery. Dangling from the side of the desk are Amanda’s legs. I look up into her milky-gray eyes. My scream leaves my throat burning.

The music isdiscordant again as a sob escapes my lips. Banging my fists on them, I continue until my hands bleed onto the whites of the keys. I lay my head on a long, low chord and cry. Playing is supposed to help drown out these memories of her, but tonight it isn’t helping. Skylar is breaking down my protective shields. My body shakes, but the music no longer accompanies me in the darkness, only the pitiful sounds that come from my lips. Amanda will haunt me forever, along with the dark shadows that creep in the night. I shouldn’t have pried into her so hard or given her a guilt trip for not letting me in. Her death is all my fault. My stomach twists at the thought, and I hate myself every day for what I did.

The look in Skylar’s eyes when I didn’t kiss her back plays behind my lids. The way her shoulders slumped and a crease formed in between her eyebrows. The look of disappointment on her face that I didn’t reciprocate her feelings for me.

Pulling at my hair, a burn prickles my scalp and screams escape me. What should I do? The question repeats over and over in my mind. Do I let my heart become black and filled with pain, protecting Skylar from myself, or do I open up the doors and risk everything again?

I’m not sure how much time passes before I finally decide to give in to what I feel for Skylar. My hands ache, and I hold them to my chest, close to my heart. This is the right thing, I tell myself. I can’t stay bottled up like this and feel nothing forever. At some point, I have to open my heart up and risk the pain.

After building up my courage, I make my way back to the first floor. There are tiny squeaks in the stairwell and the rustle of paper. A brown rat takes off, running to a hole in the concrete wall. It’s cold and damp as always in here, and I remain by the door listening for any of the staff walking by. When I don’t hear anything, I grasp the chilly handle and open it to the first-floor hallway.

I have to make it up to Skylar and let her know how I feel. She’s probably hurt and feeling rejected. As I walk toward her room, I hear a male voice. I pass by a patient’s room where the door is cracked. I peer in to see Skylar sitting in Leland’s lap, and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. They have chemistry between them, but with Leland, that’s not hard. He has an attractive force around him, as if he knows exactly what you need.

My hand is throbbing, and I don’t realize that I am digging my nails into the cuts and bruises I made from banging on the piano. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears at bay and quickly walk off to my room. My pulse pounds in my ears. Once there, I head straight for the pillow lying on top of my bed, hold it up to my face, and scream until my throat is raw.

9

Leland

Lying on my side, I consider searching the roof again for company, knowing Brie likes to go up there some nights. As I ponder my options, the door to my room creaks open and clicks shut. My first thought is that one of the night nurses wants to have their way with me, and I might let them, just to get out of my head for a while.

My eyes are already adjusted to the darkness, and I can make out a short silhouette of a woman with prominent curves against the graying darkness surrounding us. She’s opening the door again, letting in the dim yellow light of the hallway, and I can see the profile of Skylar’s face. Before I can stop myself, I’m out of bed, grabbing her arm and turning her around.

“I-I-I-I’m sorry. I’m just going to leave, okay?” she stammers while looking down at our feet.

“Was there something you were looking for, Skylar?”

She shakes her head before attempting to pull away from me and leave again. I pull her back into me.

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