Page 53 of Not the Man I Thought We Was

Chapter 25

After two full days with my parents, I’m relieved to get back home on the day after Boxing Day. I find the atmosphere in their house somewhat oppressive. My mother always seems happy, but there’s a slightly manic, brittle edge to her, as if she’s only just keeping it together and it could all disintegrate at any moment. My father is a brooding presence when he’s at home, devouring either the Financial Times or some weighty tome about a famous historical general or political leader while my Mom waits on him hand and foot. I think the only truly happy and joyous occupant of that house is the dog. I suspect he’s a surrogate child, a vessel for them to pour their love into, that loves them unconditionally in return and doesn’t answer back. Certainly much easier to deal with than their actual daughter, with her disappointing dead-end job and lack of husband.

I sigh with pleasure as I close the door of my flat behind me. A few days away has cleared the air and it feels like my sanctuary once more, particularly after my stay with my parents. I haven’t heard anything from Toby, but he’s very much on my mind. I wake up each morning thinking about him, and I’m devoting a lot of time to trying to work out where we go from here. I can’t imagine life without him; I feel a physical ache when I try to contemplate that. I know he was spending Christmas with his parents, and I’ve decided to give him space until the New Year. If I haven’t heard from him by then, I’ll ring him.

For some reason, my father’s words on Christmas Eve have hit home this time. I’m pretty certain that, whatever happens with Toby and me in the future, our days of travelling together are probably at an end. The problem is that I’ve got used to travelling with him. I never used to mind travelling on my own, but recently I’ve found myself missing his company on solo trips, if only to share a joke or an experience. I realised yesterday, when I was thinking all of this through for the umpteenth time, that the time has probably come for me to follow my father’s advice, give my battered passport a rest, and look for a new career.

I have deliberately not checked my emails while I’ve been away, not that I would have expected anyone to be emailing over Christmas. It’s usually pretty quiet from Christmas Eve until the beginning of January. Nevertheless, I fire up my laptop just to make sure nothing has come through that I need to deal with before the New Year. There is the usual collection of spam, including one from a Nigerian prince who claims to have a deal that could be “highly advantagius” to me, but my eye is drawn to one from Mark at Voyages Luxes. I know he usually takes the whole Christmas period off, so getting an email from him today is not a good sign. I check the timestamp and find that he sent it first thing this morning. I open it and read:

Dear Madison,

Congratulations to you and Toby on your award. I have something I need to discuss with you face to face. Would you be able to meet me at our offices at 11AM on Wednesday 2nd January please?

Regards

Mark

The tone is more formal than he usually uses in emails, and my mind is uncomfortably drawn back to the summons I received pretty much exactly a year ago. This one feels more urgent, though; he’s asked me to go in on the first proper working day after the Christmas break. I reply to the email, saying that I will be there, and try to put it out of my mind.

By mid-afternoon, I’m in a frenzy. As well as wondering when, if ever, I’m going to hear from Toby and how on earth to salvage our relationship, I’m now also worrying about what I’ve done that has earned me a second summons to the Voyages Luxes offices. I’m pacing around my flat like a caged animal. I’ve tried reading a book to distract me, and watching the TV, but neither have worked. My mind just keeps on trudging round the same old loop.

In the end I can take it no more. I pick up my phone and call Toby’s number. It rings, but he doesn’t answer and it goes to voicemail.

“Oh, umm… Hi Toby, it’s Madison here. I just wanted to check in to see how you are. I know you said you wanted space and everything, but I’m worried about you. Maybe you could give me a call when you’re free?”

As soon as I hang up, I kick myself. What have I achieved from that? I feel no better, and he’s going to be pissed off that I’m not keeping my promise to let him make the first move when he’s ready. For a brief moment I consider calling Mark to see if I can find out what he wants to see me about, but I manage to talk myself out of that one. He won’t thank me for invading his Christmas, even if he’s taken time out to email me, and it might actually do more harm than good.

I text Charley to see if now is a good time to call her. After the slightly tense start to the call before Christmas I don’t want to catch her at a bad time again, particularly as I’d quite like to ask her opinion about the situation with Toby. Her reply is pretty much immediate.

Yes, absolutely. Ed and Amelia are out, so please call. Save me from laundry!

She answers straightaway. “Hi, Mads, how are you? How was your Christmas?”

“You first,” I tell her.

“Oh, you know, all the usual. We went over to Mum and Dad’s for Christmas day. Simon, Emma and the girls were there too. It was nice. Did I tell you Amelia’s walking now? If I thought the crawling was bad, walking was a whole new world of pain, literally. When she first started, she would manage a few steps at a time before she toppled over, and we’d have to try to predict where she was going to fall to prevent her bumping her head. The worst one was when she banged it on the corner of the TV cabinet. I thought she was never going to stop crying, and then she got a massive bruise. I was just waiting for someone from Social Services to arrive, decide I was an abusive parent, and take her away. She is completely adorable, though. Don’t tell Ed, but I’m softening to the idea of another baby. Thank you for her Peppa pig jumper, by the way. She loves it and looks absolutely sweet in it. I’ll send you a picture next time she’s wearing it.”

“Aww, bless her. Send her love from her Auntie Mads, will you? Are you seeing Ed’s family at all?”

“Yes, we’re going down there for New Year’s Eve. They throw a party every year and they always invite us. I’ve warned them I’m likely to be asleep in a corner by half past ten this time, party animal that I am. Anyway, enough about me, what about you?”

“Life’s a bit shit at the moment, if I’m honest,” I tell her. “Toby and I had a massive bust up on Christmas Eve, and I’ve been summoned to the Voyages Luxes offices again.”

“Oh no! What happened with Toby?”

“He stayed over, and then he told me he was in love with me. I…”

“Whoa, back up a bit. Start from the beginning and give me all the details. He stayed over? Nobody stays over!”

I go back and fill her in on everything, from winning the award, the fight with Peter Smallbone, waking up to find Toby in my bed, the breakfast, to us standing on the pavement with him telling me he was in love with me.

“But you said he was gay!” she exclaims, after I’ve taken her through the last bit.

“I know.”

“So he’s bi?”

“No, from the way he reacted, it seems he’s straight.”

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