Page 35 of Finding Her Panthers

I just kiss his chest and tilt my head to offer my lips.

We take care of the cleanup, then settle back in bed, under the covers, in the same position as before. He is fighting the heaviness of his eyes as he murmurs, “Night, sweetheart.”

“Night, James. Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake.”

I take comfort in his even deep breaths, holding him close. I know he is exhausted. He’s barely slept. The past couple of days, I have gotten more sleep than I have for years. My body is confused about what time of day it is. Our schedule has been so weird.

I wonder how Blue is doing. Why does everyone think he is so cold? The man has more feelings than most people. He fights with them, trying to force them inside, ignoring them. But after all the years of doing that, they will explode out at some point. I wish I were out there with him, though, not that I don’t enjoy this too, and James needed it. I feel pulled in different directions. It would be helpful if they would just help a girl out and stick by my side all the time. Okay, I know that’s not realistic, but a girl can dream.

I thought I would feel differently after telling them about my life. For one, I figured they all would look at me like I was damaged goods. For another, I assumed it would be harder to face them afterward. Maybe Penny was right, and she always said the more I faced it, the easier it would become. I didn't want to admit to all the things that I thought brought me shame. Showing weakness was a bad thing when I was growing up in those homes. The school was a nightmare. I didn't have continuous education, sometimes changing schools abruptly, the kids being cruel because of my dirty clothes or questionable childhood. Once I ran away, education was impossible. Once I met Penny, she thought I should try going back, but at that point, I had missed too much. Instead, her parents hired a tutor, a lovely woman that came to the house every day, just like a regular school, and taught me from the point I stopped. It took longer, but she helped me get my GED. I’m thankful for everything her parents did for me. But it’s still not the same as having your parents caring for you, loving you, watching you grow up while cheering you on.

For the millionth time, I let my mind wander to my birth parents. I wish I knew what happened to them. Why didn’t they want me? What made them do something so cruel to their baby?

I fantasized that they had a noble reason for giving me up over the years. As a little girl, I imagined they were superheroes going to save the day. Or they were in trouble, and they did it to save me from the bad guy. Whatever I dreamed up didn’t matter. They did what they did for whatever reason. Because they did, it led me on a path that was often painful, scary, and full of life lessons a young girl should never have to learn. I needed them. I hate them. Eventually, even if I had the opportunity to meet them, I don’t know if I would want to. Especially if they are living a good life without me. Alright, so there are some issues I haven’t moved on from.

I must have dozed off. I startle when I feel a strong arm wrap around me. I relax when I smell the woodsy scent of Blue, the tension draining from me.

I melt back into the front of his body. He surrounds me, binding me. “Better?” I ask.

“Now I am.” He buries his face in my hair, releasing a sigh.

“I’m glad you came back to me.”

“I always will. Sometimes I just need some time to get all the bad shit out.”

“And it is?” I whisper.

“Yes and no. I won’t ever get over the things you told us. I will never forgive and forget those who did those things to you. You make me want to be better, do better.”

“Don’t hold back the things you feel even if you think it will upset me. We may fight. No, actually, you and I will fight. But it’s better than forcing yourself not to show your feelings.”

“I’ll try. My brothers and I don’t sit around all the time and talk about our feelings. We haven’t had a female in our lives, except our mom. She would kick my ass for shifting in the house, especially if I broke anything. We did a lot when we were young.” He chuckles.

“She was a good mom.” I guess.

“Yeah, she is. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

“You are beautiful in your panther form.” I am quick to change the subject. So not ready to meet the parents.

He lets it pass. “I wouldn’t say beautiful. I feel more at home running through the woods, relying on all my senses that way.”

“I want to run with you.”

“You will. I want to meet her. Your panther. Now she will be beautiful.” The longing is genuine in his voice.

“She is ready and willing. Maybe you can teach me to love her more. I’ve spent too many years pushing that part of myself away, hiding her. She deserves her mates to see her.” I feel her agreement rush through me. It’s hard to explain to someone, like Penny, what it’s like to have a separate being, yet the same, inside of you.

“Let’s do it then. Tonight, we run,” he decides.

“Okay.” I smile. We lay in comfortable silence, enjoying the feel of his hard body next to me. I never put a lot of thought into having a mate. What it would be like. I think I like it. My fears subsided more and more.

“Did you take care of James?” he questions, his words holding a double meaning.

“Yes,” I say hesitantly. “How did you know?” I turn my head to look at him, meeting his molten gaze.

He taps the side of his nose, and I blush. “I’m glad.”

“I don’t know if I'll ever be used to you all not being jealous.”

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