Page 33 of Finding Her Panthers

“He called me an asshole for interrupting his feeding, told me to fuck off. Then he listened to what I had to say, told me he was on it, and hung up. In between all that, he did congratulate us on finding our mate.”

“Really?” I have to wrap my head around a powerful vampire being friendly-ish to my mates.

“Vampires know how sacred finding your mate is. They respect the bond deeply,” Jax replies seriously.

“They have mates, right?” I ask.

“They do if they are lucky. The longer they go without finding them, the less stable they become.”

“He means they go crazy if they go many years without one. They live forever. Anyone would go a little nutty,” James says bluntly.

“He will call when he finds out everything from the time she was born until now.” Jax chuckles. “Let’s see which one gets back to us sooner.”

“I’ll make some coffee.” I need some caffeine for the conversation we need to have. I tense when I hear the guys following and spreading at my back around the kitchen.

Once I have the pot brewing, I dive in. “I have some things I need to explain about my past. I know you all have some questions, and you have been very patient with not pushing me for answers right away. But before we go further, I have to explain. I know it’s crap timing with the bitch and her gang running around threatening me. Just let me talk and get it all out, then if you have questions, you can ask.” I look at each of them carefully.

“We will let you lead,” Jax answers for all of them.

As I pass out the coffee, they sit across the island in front of me. I won’t be able to sit for this, so I stand in front of them and prepare for a story I have never told anyone except Penny. Even her parents have no idea about all I went through.

“I was found, months old, on the steps of a church. I was told I was about freezing from exposure. I was so little. The preacher took me in, warmed me. It took hours to get my temperature back to normal. He then took me to the hospital. When he discovered me, he thought the drive to the hospital would kill me, or he would have taken me right away. They kept me under observation for a couple of days but couldn’t keep me forever. They called the child services.” I take a sip from my cup. It’s one thing telling them the things I don’t remember. The things I do are what scare me. I have their full attention, though, their constant stares full of anger already. “From what I was told, I went into the system for a month. Then the parade of over-eager foster parents started. There were many. Being a baby. Everyone wants a cute little baby. Until they get me home and figure out how hard it is. I got lucky, though, at first. The couple that took me in were teachers. Good people. They had me for three years and were in the process of adoption. They loved me. I still dream of a soft voice. I like to think of it as my adoptive mom singing to me. It might seem silly. Being that young.” I shrug, leaning back on the counter, staring above their heads. “Then one day they were driving home. They left me with a babysitter so that they could buy Christmas gifts for me. A truck with a drunk driver behind the wheel hit them, totaled the car, killed them both. That was the end of the fairy tale. I would never again have a shot at a happy home with loving parents. I have a picture of them. They look so nice. I wish I still had that.” I take a long drink, afraid to look at my mates.

“I went back in the system. It was another two years until they found another couple willing to take me in. This became the theme of my life. I was going from home to home, hopeful that this would be the one that sticks. At that time, I wished I was younger, too young to remember the bad people this world has to offer. Sometimes they would have other kids in the home, sometimes not. You would think children in the same situation would gravitate to each other. No. That never happened. It took me a long time to understand they were just trying to survive, just like me. So when they would do bad things and blame me to look better, they could get on the good side of whoever was taking care of us. Some of the parents would try, others would treat you like you were their slaves, or they would ignore you and just collect the money. For years, I had no idea that I was different. Until one time, a boy in the same house chased after me with a knife, caught me, and sliced my arm. He was horrified for a minute. I bled like crazy, and then we both watched as the cut slowly healed itself. I was confused and scared. He was suspicious. He told the couple; they looked at me like a freak and sent me away. They put that in my file. Weird girl heals herself. Of course, that’s just what I imagined it said. The next home was even worse. They were mean, ignored me, and treated me like a maid but enjoyed spending the money they got for having me in their shitty little house. Mostly on beer. When I was there, it was the first time I felt like there was someone else inside me. It was weird. Since the knife incident, I was careful not to show that I was different. I tried to ignore that part of me. I didn’t want to show them. I couldn’t confide in anyone. This thing inside of me was speaking to me. I’m sure you understand, not in words but in other ways. I resisted hard. I pushed it down, deep inside. For quite a while. Until I couldn’t anymore.” I turn back to fill my cup and also to take a minute. Silence envelops us while they let me take the time.

“I was outside in the backyard playing in the grass. You would think dreams were something I had already given up on, but no. I was dreaming of the little girl they were going to take in, in a couple of days. Even though I knew she would probably treat me like all the others, I held out hope. I was stringing stories together in my head. Fantasy was the only thing I had left.

“I felt it then, That weird, unexplainable thing inside me. I was burning, pushing to get out, hurting me. Then I was on all fours, covered in fur and so confused. I took off into the trees behind the house. My mind was going in every direction. I couldn't lock onto one clear thought. I ran and hid. I didn’t know how to change back or if I could. I didn’t know what I was. I just knew it was wrong. It had to be wrong. This wasn’t normal. It took me two days. I slept in the woods, jumping at every sound. Not sure if I wanted the foster people to find me or not. When I changed back to my human form, I walked back to the house in a daze, trying to cover my body with my hands as I lost my clothes in the shift. I made it into the house. Unfortunately, they were both in the living room. They looked at me like I was crazy. The woman yelled at me for being dirty and told me to change in a not nice way. She didn’t yell because she was worried about me being out all night missing. They didn’t care.

“I went up to my room. I left the next day. The thing I was most regretful of was not meeting the new girl.”

“You left on your own?” James’ voice is tortured.

“Yes. I wasn’t going to let anyone find out what a freak I was. I had just turned eight. I packed what little I had and took my chances on the streets. It was—” I shake my head, fighting back the tears. I haven’t cried in years, and I don’t want to start now. “It was difficult. I was always starving, cold and scared. I was surviving, barely. Then when I was ten, some concerned mother that was eating with her kids at a diner saw me looking in the dumpster for food. She called social services, and off I went again into the system. I could never decide what was worse. It was close. The next home I was sent to when I was eleven was the worst of the worst.” The anger and disgust coming off my mates for what I have been through are overwhelming on top of my own emotions. I start to pace.

“The mom seemed nice. She really did try. But she was being abused by her husband. There were two other girls there and one boy. We couldn’t help her. I walked in one time, seeing him beating the shit out of her. She saw me. He did not. I was about to take another step in the room and opened my mouth—to say what, I don’t know—but she shook her head at me. Even while he was kicking her in the stomach, she thought about me. He was not a tall man, but he was stout and strong. I developed early—”

“Motherfucker!” Blue growls, fisting his hands in his hair.

I looked away quickly and continued. “He noticed. He tried to get in my room one night. I was terrified, huddling under the blankets. The woman must have been watching. She threw herself in front of the door, mouthed off to him. She sacrificed herself for me. Repeatedly. Over and over again, he tried, and she protected me the only way she could. She bought me a lock for my door, with what money, I don't know. He controlled all of that. She couldn’t always protect me during the day, though. A few times, he cornered me in seemingly innocent ways. That was the only way he could get away with it. Sometimes it was worse. As far as I know, I was the only one he was trying things with. The other girls were younger. Then one night, I overheard a phone call, the husband talking to someone about a virgin they could play with. I didn’t know much, but I knew I was that girl. The woman came up behind me, limping, black and blue from the most recent beating, took my hand, and led me outside. She handed me my bag, which she must have packed. She told me to run. She told me to find somewhere safe. Somewhere good. She promised she would get the others out too. Because I was worried. There would come a time they would need the same protection. She promised. She told me she loved me. She was the first person to tell me that. I loved her too. I felt terrible for her, scared. She was a good woman. She did all she could. I ran. I ran as fast and as far as I could.

“I made sure never to get caught again. I tried never to shift, ever. I fought it hard all the time. Other times I couldn’t help it. I hid if my panther forced me to. I made sure no one saw. Especially in that house, that would be suicide. Who knows what that man would have done if he knew? I ran until I met Penny at thirteen. It took a long time, and Penny reminded me recently of how I protected myself, not believing they were good people. It took longer to trust her father. Men were scary to me for obvious reasons. He was the first man to show me love, patience, and gave me hope there were good ones, not just bad.

“When I was eighteen, I convinced Penny to go back to that house with me. I had to see if the woman was still there if she got the others out, as she said. The house was empty, but the house next door was not. I remembered the older woman that lived there. She always looked at me with sad eyes. A few times, she gave me food to share with the others. She was outside on her porch. She remembered me. The woman that showed me the first love of my life died the night she helped me escape. He killed her when he found out what she had done. He killed her because of me. Because of me, those kids were left alone with that mad man for two years. He buried her in the backyard. No one missed her. No one looked. He had cut her away from her family years ago. The lady next door finally called the police when she became suspicious. For two years, those girls had to endure who knows what. The guilt is suffocating still. Logically, I realize I am not at fault. I was just trying to survive in a shitty situation. But I still do. He’s in jail. He was convicted of murder and charged with molesting underage girls.

“I had to learn how to trust myself. How to trust men. I had to learn how to take my power back. I finally got to a good spot, finally good enough to embrace my panther. To let her free. Letting her out is still not natural like it’s supposed to be. I still have a long way to go with fear from my past. I see him in my dreams too. My nightmares continue to follow me over the years.” I find the courage to look at them, frozen in the same spot. The anguish and helplessness in their expression are brutal to see.

Blue is the worst. His claws, his teeth, and the fire in his eyes are on full display. Suddenly he jerks back several feet, shaking.

“Blue!” Jax yells.

The whole time I have known there have been those of my kind out in the world, and I wasn’t the only one; I have never had the opportunity to someone shift. Suddenly Blue explodes from the inside out. He is no longer a man but a huge, magnificent black panther in seconds. His coat shines in the bright light of the kitchen. His mouth opens, growling and whining.

Jax's head whips to me as I take a step toward Blue, snapping at me. “Stay back. He won’t hurt you, but he doesn’t need the guilt if he is startled.” He moves steadily to the door and swings it wide.

Blue tears his gaze from me and sprints through the door and into the early morning air.

James is in front of me then, holding my face tenderly. “The things you have been through are unthinkable. I am so sorry. It is amazing to me that you never gave up. You are the strongest person I know. If I could only have known you, then I would have slain all of them for you.” He presses his lips to one cheek then the other, finishing with a gentle kiss to my lips. His words bring tears to pool in my eyes.

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