Page 35 of Dancing with a Ghost

"Can you feel him, Toby? He's here. You just have to say the right words and he'll come back to you, but you have to believe them when you say them. Words can come easily to all of us, they can be cheap and meaningless. You have to want it. You have to want him, else his years here will have all been for nought."

Damn woman was talking in riddles. I had no idea what she meant by any of this.

"Do you want to see him, Toby? See what your walking away did to him?"

"I didn't walk away from him. He asked for time, and I gave it to him."

"That may be so, but your actions accelerated the curse. He was already feeling it. He thought you both had time. I'll ask you again. Do you want to see him?"

I nodded. Of course I did, why wouldn't I.

She stepped out of view, revealing the prone form of my Matty lying on the damp ground, his eyes closed. There was no movement, not a flicker of an eyelid or the twitch of a finger.

I rushed to his side, stroking my hand down the side of his face, feeling the puckered skin beneath.

"Matty! Wake up, Matty." There was nothing. Had I lost him? Were we too late? I couldn't bear the thought of losing him after the time we'd spent together. The nights we'd lain together, loving on each other. It was all too much. I took his ice cold hand in mine. The warmth that had developed over the last few weeks had disappeared. He felt like death itself.

"What did you do to him?" I shouted into the dark. She was nowhere to be seen. We were all alone and I had no idea what to do.

I kissed his frozen hands, caressed his face, whispered into his ear but still nothing. It couldn't end like this. I loved him for God's sake. He was my Matty, my Matthias, my everything.

I lifted him, and slid beneath him, placing his head in my lap. I stroked his hair, crying softly, watching as the tears fell onto his face. He was gone. I'd lost him.

"I loved you, Matty. Maybe not from the first time we met, but it's always been there. You've always been there and now I don't know how to carry on without you. I don't know how to live without you." This was Romeo and Juliet all over again but I wasn't about to go commit suicide. I had too much to live for. I thought I had Matty to live for too.

"Fuck, Matty! I fucking love you and now I'm here left cradling the only thing that's ever made any sense in my life. I hate that you're gone, hate that I have no one to spend my life with." My silent tears turned to sobs as I remembered the times we'd shared. It would never be enough.

"I'll always remember you. My inconspicuous hero. I'll never stop loving you. You'll be in my heart for all eternity."

In my grief, I thought I saw a flicker of movement. I looked closely at his face, waiting for any sign that he'd heard me, that it was going to be alright but there was nothing. A figment of my imagination, that's all it had been.

I’d sit here all night if I had to. I had nowhere else to be, nowhere I wanted to be except here. I moved to a more comfortable position, my back leaning against a tree, his head still on my thighs. I'd wait a half hour and then decide what to do. Leaving right now was not an option.

I woke suddenly, a chill in my bones and looked down expecting to see his body there, but it was gone as if he'd never been there at all. A sob left me and I stood on unsteady legs. Morning was just breaking across the sky, reds and oranges signalling it was going to be a good day.

Fuck the day. I just wanted to go to bed, cry away my days and nights, mourn the loss of the only person that had mattered to me. I know he was a ghost and likely, this had been doomed from the start. It didn't stop me feeling and didn't stop me loving.

Instead of going straight back to the hotel, I decided to take the long way around, trying to put my thoughts in order, contemplate how to get over him, if I ever would.

A heavy mist hung over the fields at the front of the hotel, typical of an autumn morning. I used to love this time of year, the warm fires, nights snuggled under fleece blankets. How Matty would have loved it.

My heart felt as cold as the morning and I wondered how we'd got here. Me missing the shit out of a ghost, wishing he was still here.

I sat with a thud on the wooden bench by the front door, needing to have a moment before starting my day. A day full of organising parties and weddings that would just depress me even further. I had no enthusiasm for it and wasn't sure if I ever would again. In time, maybe, but not right now.

As I gazed across the fields, a figure started to emerge from the thick mist. Who the hell was up this time of the morning? Probably a guest out for a morning stroll. I just hoped they didn't want to talk. I was in no mood.

The figure moved closer, walking slowly. Why was he wearing a suit? No, not a suit. A uniform?

I shielded my eyes from the sun with my hand, wanting a better look as the figure continued to approach. It was a man. A man with dark hair and a blue suit.

He drew closer, and I noticed the cap he wore, instantly recognising the emblem.

It couldn't be. I rubbed my eyes, thinking the lack of sleep over the past few nights was playing tricks but, no.

It was him.

It was my Matty, walking towards me, a wry smile on his face.

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