Page 45 of On The First Day Of Christmas

Francine was delighted to hear that Liv could come back early.

‘You’ve no idea what it’s been like here. All agency staff and they haven’t a notion – well, to be fair to them, I haven’t had the time to give any of them a proper introduction to the place. It’s just been in at the deep end and hope for the best.’ In the background, Liv could hear a buzzer, someone needing assistance; she could imagine Francine, trying to keep everything going. ‘So, if I put you down to fill in from two o’clock tomorrow?’

‘That’s perfect, Francine.’ It would be good to draw a line under the holidays. It was time for a new start, a New Year.

‘I won’t promise what time you’ll be finished up, mind, but hopefully, it’ll be the normal shift.’ She was only half joking.

‘I really don’t mind, Francine. That’s why I’m offering.’

‘You might be the only nurse in Ireland to be in a hurry to get back on shift after the holidays.’ Francine laughed, but Liv could hear the impatience in her voice. She needed to get back to that buzzer. If the hospital was as busy as it sounded in the background, Liv had a feeling she wouldn’t have much time for moping about the place after all.

Her dad wasn’t keen on her going back so suddenly. ‘Just like that?’ he said when he came in for a cup of tea with the good news that he thought the ewe he’d been waiting for seemed to be showing the first signs of labour.

‘Well, they need help and that is why I became a nurse after all – to help and look after people.’

‘It’d be more in your line to look after yourself from here on in,’ Maya snorted under her breath.

‘Should Maya drive you back? You can’t go bringing everything on the train and then lugging it across the city to the flat before going on shift.’ Her mother couldn’t hide the concern in her voice.

‘And what about Eddie Quirke? Who’s going to sort him out when he comes knocking on your door looking for his dinner?’ Her father sounded as if he’d like to sort him out personally.

‘No, it’s okay. Pete said he’d drive me. Actually, going back a little earlier will give me a chance to sort through some stuff. I can have Eddie sorted and out of the flat before he even thinks about returning to Dublin,’ Liv said with a finality that was starting to sink in, even for her. The truth was, she knew Eddie would probably sit about and moan about the fact that he had nowhere to live, rather than getting off his backside and doing something about it before he was due back to reopen the workshop. That was Eddie all over; he’d wait it out and probably hope that someone else would solve the problem for him. She was proud of herself for sounding far more confident than she actually felt.

‘Well, that’s good,’ her mother said filling the kettle again. She’d always liked Pete. At one point – it seemed a long time ago now – she’d hoped that perhaps he and Maya might end up together but Maya didn’t take long to put her straight on that front.

‘So that’s settled; you’re back in Dublin for the New Year and we’ll see you the following weekend?’ Maya said. She wasn’t asking. Liv knew that if she didn’t come back home, there was a good chance that Maya would arrive on her doorstep to make sure she was all right.

‘Yes, that’s settled and maybe we can plan something nice to do when I get back to celebrate the New Year and new beginnings?’ Liv said cheerfully. They’d have to do something, a meal out together or perhaps a family day out, around her father’s hospital appointment, but no-one was going to mention that now.

*

After all that, there wasn’t much to pack for going back to work. Liv decided she’d leave most of her clothes in Ballycove, since she’d be down again in a week or two and anyway, she’d have enough to sort out when she got back to the flat with trying to clear out Eddie’s belongings. In the end, her bag had little more than books, make-up, a huge chunk of Christmas cake and a few jars of home-made jam and chutney from her mother’s store cupboard.

Liv decided on a walk later that afternoon and with the three dogs racing ahead of her, she felt a lot more relaxed than she really expected to. The sun was heavy and unusually bright in the cloudless sky, which she knew boded well in terms of seeing the snow off, but she wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t mean a hard frost later if the weather forecast was to be believed. There was nowhere quite like Ballycove and Liv knew she was lucky to be able to come back here and lick her wounds. Even though Eddie lived here, they’d never run into each other, quite simply because they were such completely different people. Eddie would never come for a walk along the beach, unless there was something in it for him. His natural habitat was the pub or his mother’s house and Barbara Quirke’s house was a place that Liv knew she’d never go anywhere near again. And that was a relief, because now, with even this tiny distance from the pair of them, she could admit she’d never really liked the woman, no matter how hard she’d tried to convince herself otherwise.

It was funny, but out here, with the wind gathering up the waves into a white foam in the distance, she wondered if she even liked Eddie all that much – not now, obviously, but when they were together. Hadn’t she spent much of their time together covering over the cracks of things that irritated her about him? She had made excuses, not just to Maya and her parents, but even to herself. She’d been so focused on filling the gaping hole in her life that Rachel had left after she died; she hadn’t stopped to look at what she was replacing her twin sister with.

Liv stood now, the sun creasing up her eyes into a cold watery squint. It was an epiphany, but she realised, she couldneverreplace Rachel and she had to stop trying. She felt a small tear race down her cheek. It came from nowhere and at the same time, she knew it came from a deep well of emotion that sat somewhere in the very core of her. She could never replace Rachel and now, standing here with the gathering breeze about her, she knew, she was going to stop trying. In that moment, she closed her eyes, surrendering herself to what lay ahead – she would just accept it. She was a nurse. She wanted to help people. Wasn’t that what she’d told her father? Well, from now on, that was what she was going to do and let everything else take care of itself.

Somewhere in the distance she heard a loud bang. Light was beginning to fade when she opened her eyes and spotted a trail of early fireworks lighting up the indigo sky over the pier. They were a trail of green stars feathering out and falling down to the ground below. Like her ring. The ring Eddie had made for some wealthy client – Liv corrected herself immediately. And then she smiled, because for the first time, she could see that ring was little more than a sad imitation of something that was exquisite once, but that moment had passed. Without warning, another single golden firework shot up into the air and Liv felt a tiny glimmer of hope that everything was going to turn out exactly as it was meant to.

*

Liv couldn’t say why exactly, but when she woke the following morning, it was as if her night’s sleep had drained her rather than revived her. She’d drifted off, her thoughts filled with the evening spent with Finn O’Connell. It had been magical. And then, at the end, somehow she’d managed to completely mess it up. Maya told her she was crazy – the guy deserved a second chance. The two sisters had talked until the early hours of the morning, and by the time she went to bed, it was confirmed that she’d made a complete pig’s ear of everything.

This morning, Maya had dug out the old teapot that had once sat on their grandmother’s table in her little cottage on the side of the hill. She’d made real tea, with leaves and a strainer sitting on the side.

‘This is a treat,’ Liv said kissing her sister as she placed two mugs on the table for them. ‘But you should have stayed in bed for a while longer. There was no need; I’ll be off out the door in ten minutes to make it in time for my shift.’

‘There was every need.’ Maya sat down opposite her, putting two slices of toast before her and digging into her own already half-eaten slice. ‘I’m afraid I have to go back to Ballycove today. Emergency sitting of the district court and, apparently, the accused has asked for me specially.’

‘That’s great; well, maybe not for whoever is in the dock, but you know what I mean…’ Her sister had a funny old job.

‘Yeah, I know, it’s an ill wind. Still, it looks like I’m getting a good reputation and that’s only going to be good for the business.’ Maya smiled. ‘But the thing is, I’m going to drive back this morning so I thought I’d drop you into work and then go straight from there.’

‘Yay! Which gives me an extra twenty minutes.’

‘I wanted to talk to you, before I go.’ Maya stopped, dropped the slice of toast and rubbed her hands together to take any crumbs from her fingers.

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