Page 16 of On The First Day Of Christmas

‘Right, well, the big match is on tomorrow, usual time, so I suppose, I’ll see you then,’ he said getting out of the car and obviously completely oblivious to her racing thoughts.

‘Hey.’ She leant over for a goodnight kiss.

‘Hey, yourself,’ he said kissing her while he stood on the footpath at the open jeep window. Even here, outside his mother’s front door, he could elicit desire in her with a drunken kiss. Perhaps, it was because they couldn’t just fall into bed together, but still, it was nice. ‘I’ve got to dash. I’ve been standing out there in the freezing cold; if I don’t get to the toilet quick, it’s not going to be good…’ he said pushing open the front gate of his mother’s house and disappearing inside before she had a chance to say goodnight.

Driving back to the farm, Liv was overcome by that familiar loneliness that had the ability to smash into her as if it was just holding out behind the next invisible corner. It had been like this for the last decade: startling moments of desolate wretchedness, creeping up on her and pushing tears into her eyes from somewhere deep within her. She missed Rachel so much. How on earth could she call her life completely sorted when it still felt as if there was this gaping wound right in the middle of it?

*

It was a lie. Of course it was a lie. Well, it was a fib, at any rate. Liv wasn’t okay. She was lonely and miserable here in Dublin on her own. On Christmas night, when she should have been dreaming of her wedding to Eddie, she’d slept badly, tossing and turning, thinking about the accident and Finn O’Connell lying in ICU and the impossibly beautiful Estelle and the fact that she’d felt such a strong connection to him just before it had happened. She was meant to be getting engaged for heaven’s sake – what on earth was wrong with her? Like most things that hit you when you’re overtired at three o’clock in the morning, it was all out of proportion.

There was no such thing as love at first sight. Look at her and Eddie. They’d known each other for years and there hadn’t been any fireworks, just a gentle easing in, a rubbing along to the point that they arrived where they were now. So, Liv had tried to focus on that instead. She listed off the reasons that she had to consider herself lucky. She thought about that beautiful ring, imagining it on her finger and then knowing that even though Eddie would have picked up the emeralds at cost, it still would have taken a lot of work and effort to fashion it out properly. She smiled in the darkness, seeing it in her mind’s eye. It was delicate and intricate and cold when she slipped it on her finger, but it fitted perfectly and it touched her beyond belief that he’d somehow managed to get her size right, although she’d never had a piece of jewellery for that finger to measure it against.

It was no good. In the end, she got out of bed. It was officially St Stephen’s Day and at five o’clock in the morning, she’d already spent an hour pacing about the flat. She looked at the pile of hardbacks she’d bought and wrapped for Maya for the holidays. She could open one – Maya certainly wouldn’t mind – but she knew she couldn’t settle to reading. She couldn’t settle into anything, because she should be at home in Ballycove, with her family. And then, she realised that there was only one other place she could go that would maybe make her feel a little better.

Outside the morning was cold and dark. Soft flakes of snow drifted across the city streets. She’d pulled on her hiking boots, folded her uniform into a large shopper and headed out into the deserted streets. It was funny, but somehow, out here, she felt less lonely. The roads were completely empty, all of the buildings closed up, flats in darkness and even the green man on the traffic lights, it seemed, had turned in for the night.

The hospital, however, was not deserted. Liv felt that familiar blast of warm air cascade down on her as she walked through the main doors. She wasn’t on shift for another two hours, although, probably, they wouldn’t turn her away if she arrived early. Instead of walking towards A&E she made her way up the stairs and padded along the endless, noiseless corridors until she came to the intensive care unit. At the nurses’ station she spotted a nurse she remembered from a training event earlier in the year: Morgan. She waved at him and he buzzed her through.

‘Hey,’ he said glancing at his watch and then taking in her casual clothes. ‘For a minute I thought it was later than I realised and you were coming on shift.’ He looked disappointed. It was a long night here, with constant obs and form-filling. These patients would not be pressing buzzers for help with their reading lights, nor would they need to be transferred for x-rays or to other wards.

‘No. I’m just looking in on Finn.’

‘Is he a friend of yours?’ Morgan asked, obviously a little more relaxed about the visiting rules than some of his colleagues.

‘Yes,’ she said. It was a white lie as much to save Morgan getting into trouble as it was to make things easier for herself. ‘Any change?’

‘He hasn’t come round yet, if that’s what you’re hoping for, but he’s stable and his vitals are definitely stronger. You can take a look at his chart; I’m just finished filling it in for the night.’ He handed it to her and she brought it across to Finn’s bedside.

Liv sat there in the broken silence of the ward for the next hour, somehow content. All Finn O’Connell had to do was open his eyes, and although she knew that was a big order, she had a feeling that he was strong – his obs confirmed that much. Liv closed her eyes, remembered standing opposite him at the traffic lights before the accident. He was tall and broad, but it was more than that. There was a sort of vitality to him that struck her and that was it, wasn’t it? He seemed to be so very much alive compared to every other grey face around them.

Then again, if he had Estelle to go home to (and perhaps a lover called M on the side), maybe there was a very good reason for him looking like he had lots to live for, she reminded herself. She smiled then, because, she supposed, he was probably what her mother would have called a lovable rogue. Perhaps he was a girl-in-every-port sort of guy. He was certainly good-looking enough to get away with it.

Maybe the other reason she liked sitting here with him was because if she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend that the clock had turned back the years and she was still sitting next to Rachel. She felt a small tear escape her, but it didn’t matter here, there was no-one to see. She reached out, her eyes still closed, imagining Rachel lying there, and she took Finn’s hand in hers. Although it was big and strong, at the same time, it felt so very vulnerable. She felt a small smile draw up her lips, in spite of her tears. She had been so happy sitting next to Rachel, even though her sister was dying. When she left her side, God knows, she cried bucketloads, but every second she had next to her had been so precious.

‘Hey,’ the voice was hoarse, pulling her back from her dream. ‘Hey,’ he said again.

‘Huh?’ Her eyes flew open. ‘Oh, my God.’ She was staring at Finn O’Connell, not her darling twin sister and he was smiling at her, as if he’d just woken from a very pleasant dream. ‘You’re awake,’ and then she realised she’d been holding his hand – he must think she was a complete idiot. ‘I’m so sorry, let me get the nurse.’ She pulled back from him, leaving his hand lying empty on the bed cover.

‘Wait…’ he whispered. ‘What happened? How did I…’ He cleared his throat a little. ‘Where am I?’ he asked, obviously too diplomatic to ask what on earth a complete stranger was doing sitting by his bed, mauling his hand and smiling like a demented pigeon with her eyes closed.

‘You’re okay.’ She thought she might explode with embarrassment. ‘You were in an accident. I was standing next to you, just outside the hospital, and then the ambulance brought you in and you’ve been…’ She stopped, knowing she shouldn’t say too much in case the doctors suspected any memory damage. ‘Hang on, I’ll just get Morgan.’

‘Morgan?’ he said hoarsely, as if the name should mean something.

‘Sorry, Morgan is your nurse,’ she said, standing now, flustered in a way that she shouldn’t be if this was just a patient on her rounds. ‘You’re really doing fine; I’ve taken a look at your chart. You’ve been unconscious since it happened, so it was just a waiting game. I’m sure they’ll be throwing you out of here before you know it.’ She managed to smile then, because it was impossible not to. Seeing him awake was not only the most cheery thing that had happened to her all Christmas, it was probably the only jolly thing to have happened.

She would need to start her shift in A&E by the time Morgan had called a doctor to examine Finn and had checked his vitals once more.

‘You look good,’ Morgan said appraisingly.

‘Well, perhaps I can thank this one for getting me in here.’

‘Liv.’ She supplied her name; it was the least she could do after all. ‘Anyway, I’d better get to work. I have Estelle’s phone number, if you’d like me to ring her and let her know that you’re awake,’ she said backing away from the bed.

‘Estelle?’ He said the name as if it amused him. ‘Ah no, it’s fine. There’s no rush.’ And then he looked at her and, for a moment, it seemed there was something more to say, but then he smiled and shook his head as if thinking better of it.

‘Well, I’m glad you’re awake, at least.’ She managed to break the standstill in the end. ‘I really am… Good luck, so, I suppose.’ His eyes were beginning to close now and she knew he would probably drift in and out of sleep for a little while yet.

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