Page 16 of The Life We Almost Had

The static of hope crackled in the air, invisible to the naked eye but palpable nevertheless. I brushed it aside.

It was time to say goodbye.

Chapter Seven

Anna

The turquoise maxi dress I had bought from the tiny boutique in the hotel reception fitted me perfectly, worth the last of my euros. It was our last night and I could hardly bear it. During the past ten days Adam had built up my confidence brick by brick and I was afraid my newly found self-esteem would crumble to dust once he’d gone. We hadn’t discussed whether we’d keep in touch. I didn’t want to. Soon, he would be travelling the world, meeting new people and if his texts tapered off, it would hurt all over again to think he had forgotten me. I’d rather say a clean goodbye and be left with the illusion that he was thinking of me.

Always thinking of me.

The way I knew I would think of him.

I painted on a pink gloss smile, determined not to ruin our last few precious hours together with melancholy and regret.

I didn’t regret anything.

It was best for both of us to go our separate ways. Imagine if I asked Adam to stay and he said yes and he resented me for it one day – and that’s if he said yes.

If.

Such a small word but it contained so many possibilities. My mind couldn’t help time-travelling to a future where Adam and I were married, two children, a rose-covered cottage, but it was nothing but a daydream. Even if we wanted to see each other again, how would it work? We lived four hours apart and in truth, we might not feel the same about each other once back in the real world. I gazed out of the window at the speck of glittering sea visible between apartments. This was not the real world. This was not my real life.

For the first time in days I opened Facebook. At the top of my news feed was an update from my ex –Living the Dream– and a photo of him and Sonia raising glasses of fizzing champagne as they shared a meal. His plate was laden with meat and roast potatoes. On hers, a salad. I felt… I enlarged the photo to see if I was mistaken, but I wasn’t. I felt nothing but relief that I was no longer trying to be someone I wasn’t. Without hesitating I clickedUnfriendbecause I knew with certainty that we were never friends, not like me and Adam. That was how a relationship should be: honest and fun. In the future I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

‘What are you doing?’ Nell burst from the bathroom. A tiny white towel wrapped around her middle, arms and legs golden.

‘Moving on,’ I grinned, turning off my phone.

‘Glad to hear it. You’re okay then, with this being the last night?’

‘Yes.’ I was sad but glad I’d met Adam. ‘Nell, are you sure you don’t want me to have dinner with you tonight?’

‘Nah. I couldn’t get in the way of love’s young dream.’

‘It isn’t love.’

‘Are you sure?’ Nell stood behind me. Her eyes found mine in the mirror.‘There’ll be a way to make it work, Anna. If you want to.’

If.

‘It’s been lovely. Just what I needed. A holiday romance.’

‘We both know it’s more than that. You’re not the type for a quick fling. Life’s too short, Anna. You know that. Don’t let him slip through your fingers.’

‘It’s a rebound. I should have been married now.’ But she knew me better than that.

‘Anna.’ Nell waited until I put the mascara wand back in its tube. My gaze met hers. ‘I never once saw you look at that tosser the way you look at Adam. It’s the first time I’ve seen you smile properly since you lost your dad.’

In the mirror her eyes glistened with tears. Mine did too.

Dinner was paella for old times’ sake. During the meal I turned over Nell’s words in my mind. Should I fight for Adam? For us? I just didn’t know if he felt the same. He was quieter than usual on our walk to the cove. We both were.

‘Anna,’ he said as we reached the fence. ‘I’ve got something for you. For us.’ He pulled a padlock out of his pocket.

‘A love lock!’

‘A friendship lock.’ He said and then I understood. He was letting me go. Disappointment was a bitter pill but I forced a smile, imprinting our names upon the padlock before clicking it onto the fence. I felt him watching me. I raised my head. He was standing in front of a backdrop of sea. The setting sun casting a burned orange halo around his head. No matter what, I would never forget him. No matter what happened tomorrow and everything after this August, I still had this. Him. Now.I was going to savour every last painful minute. It wasn’t an evening for sadness. One thing I’d learned during my time with Adam was that it felt good to be happy. We’d laughed so much together and I was grateful for that. Suddenly I was thankful for the time we’d had, the time we still had, rather than dwelling on the ending of us.

---