Page 81 of Beautiful Beast

“I’m not leaving.” My voice sounds exactly like a pout.

“You have to.”

There’s a long, heavy silence while I fight to hold back tears. He tries to hook my chin and make me look at him, but I twist away from his touch.

The loss of his body heat is a slap in the face.

“I want to stay with you,” I insist.

I sound desperate and pathetic, but I don’t care. I wasn’t made to be a booty call, and I want more from him.

Just like he said all along.

“Belle, I’m giving as much of myself to you as I can.”

“You’re only giving me your body,” I say even though the statement isn’t true or fair.

We’ve confided in each other so much since we’ve known each other, but he still has some high, impenetrable walls, and it’s so frustrating.

“If you don’t want what I can give you, then we can stop seeing each other. I don’t want to hurt you. But you need to trust me on this one,” he says.

The thought of not seeing Adam again makes my stomach roll and bile rise in my throat. And I hate that he could just give me up like it’s nothing to protect… what? What secret could he possibly be hiding from me now?

“I want to keep seeing you,” I tell him. “AndI want to stay.”

“It’s not safe for you to be here,” he snaps, frustration pouring off him. “You can’t be here when I’m asleep and not in control of what I’m doing.”

“Do you sleepwalk?” I ask. “If you do, then it’s not safe for you to be alone either. And I should stay and take care of you.”

He yanks me back into his arms and kisses me fiercely. “I’m crazy about you. Okay? I don’t want to lose you either. But we can’t have sleepovers yet.”

Yet.

So, whatever is going on, he’s still working on it.

“Princess, I hate this situation just as much as you do. Believe me, I wish that I could just be myself again. Just be normal.”

Tears pour down my cheeks and I’m too upset to speak, so I just give him a salty kiss and hope that’s enough.

Rising naked from his bed and knowing that I have to leave drops an anxious pit into my stomach, destroying all the euphoria from just moments ago.

“I’m sorry, Belle.”

I don’t reply, just pull my clothes back on. He isn’t intending to hurt me, I know it, but that doesn’t change how used and cheap I’m feeling.

“You deserve better than me,” he whispers.

You can’t change people. You can only accept them for who they are and be there while they figure out what they want from life. They make changes they’re ready to make, not ones they’re forced into. Otherwise, the changes won’t stick anyway.

Men like Adam aren’t puppets who can be molded.

And I don’t want to control him – I’m crazy about him exactly how he is.

But I’m starting to think there might be boundaries I’ll never get across. Maybe we just won’t be able to find a way forward that works for both of us.

As much as I want to give everything to him, to sacrifice for him, and to be patient while he heals, my happiness matters too.

And I just keep making a fool of myself – over and over – because I can’t quit him until I know for sure that I’ve tried everything to make us work.

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