Page 86 of Perfect Alpha

“I was driving.” His voice is flat and hollow, and my heart aches for him.

“The accident wasnotyour fault,” I repeat.

He closes his eyes, and I know this tragedy will be a cross he bears for the rest of his life, no matter what I say.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” he says. “I’ve learned that I need to make the most of every moment because I might not get the chance later.”

“Cade, the past is–”

“Please, Victory.”

I go silent, continuing to stroke his forearms even after they relax ever so slightly.

“When Gemstone offered you the job, my first reaction was fear. I couldn’t imagine living my life without you. But it was such an amazing opportunity, and I couldn’t stand the thought of holding you back.”

I’m clenching my jaw so hard it aches. I don’t want to hear this story right now, not when I’m already so raw. But he needs to tell it, so I don’t say anything. My heart is in my throat while I wait for the rest of his confession.

“I couldn’t let you sacrifice your life, your potential, for me. I wanted you to chase a dream bigger than I could ever give you. And for you to feel okay about doing it, you needed to hate me so you didn’t have any regrets about leaving me behind. But I was wrong. I should have just gone with you, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t.”

I never would have let him sacrifice everything he loves to move to a city he hates. Long-distance wouldn’t have been easy, but I never intended to go anyway.

“Cade, you do not get to make my decisions.”

“I didn’t. I just freed you to make the one you needed to make,” he returns, which is the same damn thing.

My throat burns with emotion when I ask, “What made you decide you’re not good enough for me?”

He takes a second to absorb the words before nodding. “Maybe that’s exactly it. Me, the life I could give you… It doesn’t compare to what you have in New York City. And I never wanted you to feel bad about making the right decision. So, I just tried to make it easier for you.”

He really has no idea. None of that “glamor” is what I wanted.

All I ever wanted was him.

“Everything I said that day was a lie,” he admits through tears. “I never stopped loving you, and there was never anyone else.”

I jump off his lap like he electrocuted me. When he said that he cheated, the betrayal ate away at my soul. Worst of all, I always suspected it was with Britt.

But it wasn’t with anyone.

He lied to me and broke my heart for no reason.

“What if I wanted togive upNew York? What if it wouldn’t have been giving up anything at all?” Tears blur my vision, and I can’t believe everything we’ve lost for nothing.

Both of us are stuck in second choice lives because of him.

“You needed to give it a chance,” Cade insists.

“What we had together was all I ever needed!” I cry. “Being without you is the sacrifice, not being without astupidjob! There are lots of jobs! There’s only one of you!”

The raw vulnerability on Cade’s face almost has me running back into his arms. But I stand my ground, feet planted on the floor, and arms crossed protectively over my chest.

“Really?” he asks, as though he can’t fathom what I’ve said is true. “You would have chosen… me?”

“If you gave me the chance to choose for myself, yes. A million times over, the choice would have been you. It would have beenus. But after you dumped me, I was so angry, so lost, so confused… I just ran away, hoping distance would help me heal. It didn’t.”

Like a video I don’t want to watch, that terrible day replays in my mind’s eye. But this time, everything is so much clearer with my new lens of understanding. All his actions suddenly make complete sense.

Cade hangs his head, his posture hunched and defeated, and my heart breaks all over again. “We need to stop this pattern,” he insists. “I’ve never been able to stay away from you because, well, look at you. And I love you. I never stopped. But we can’t keep going in circles.”

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