Page 105 of Perfect Alpha

BeingbackinNewYork is surreal, and I can’t believe how quickly everything changed. All of the familiar things about the city that used to just be a normal part of my day-to-day living have become foreign and uncomfortable.

My apartment is a suffocating prison, and I miss the wide-open spaces of Montana, the warmth of Cade’s arms, the pleasure of being in his bed, and the comfort of having my parents only minutes away.

Spending the holidays at home with everyone I love will give me enough time to figure out coherent next steps. The life I always dreamed about having with Cade is suddenly a viable option, and I need to do everything I can to hold onto it – hold onto him – this time.

New York isn’t home. It never was, and now I know with certainty that I can’t stay.

I just need to get through this event, and then I’ll be back where I belong. I had been looking forward to attending the Gemstone holiday party, but now all I want to do is be at home with Cade while we grieve in privacy.

Since the party is hosted in an elegant ballroom, I opted to wear the most glamorous piece I own, a formfitting, black and strapless Louis Vuitton cocktail dress adorned with lace and sequins. My Jimmy Choo stilettos are so high that I’ll have to limp home.

It’s a fallacy dressing up in pretty things when my life is so bleak. But those left behind have no choice other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Unfortunately, the obligations of our day-to-day lives don’t just go away.

Part of me is worried Cade is going to run cold again, but I have to believe our relationship has staying power. He’s opening up emotionally in a way that he hasn’t for years, and he still loves me.

He gave me his heart fully and completely this time, and I’m fully intertwined in his life again. Even though I can’t believe he staged a fake breakup to send me running away to New York City, his heart was in the right place.

“How are you?” Fiona scoots over to check on me, and this time I hear her coming because even she put on stilettos for the occasion.

“Some days are worse than others,” I admit, taking a long sip of wine. “But I’m making it through.”

“You didn’t have to come,” Fiona says sympathetically. “I’m really glad you did because I’ve missed you like crazy, but we would have understood.”

I’ve hobnobbed with representatives from all the major publishing houses tonight and gotten to know some of our clients better. There will forever be a hollow piece in my chest, but I’m still glad that I made the trek and didn’t let my colleagues down.

“I wanted to be here,” I assure her.

Strengthening my relationships in person will make it easier to work from home. Once people know me, they’ll be more comfortable primarily communicating through emails and conference calls.

And that’s only if I decide to keep being an agent. But when everything is scary, you need the familiar. Besides, having options can’t hurt.

“You look gorgeous,” Fiona adds.

I straightened my hair and went full out with my make-up and jewelry, but I’m sure sex with Cade has something to do with my glow. Plus, being his girl again is pretty damn amazing.

I’m not opening that Pandora’s Box tonight, though.

“Since you’re in town,” Fiona continues. “We have a few other events scheduled this week into Sunday morning. How long are you here for?”

My stomach drops because all I want to do is get back on a plane headed home, but since I’m already here, I might as well make the most of it.

“I can fly home next Monday,” I assure her.

I’ll add a few extra Montana days to make up for extending this visit. The more people I can connect with, the better. Then I’ll have to spend less time here on my next trip.

“Ah-maz-ing,” Fiona enthuses. “So glad you’ll be able to come. I’ll send you calendar invites to the events.”

I link my arm through hers and take another sip of wine. “And I hope we can find some time to catch up, too.”

“Oh, absolutely.” She squeezes me before continuing. “There’s a Random House acquisitions editor I want to introduce you to over there. Come on.”

I spend the night networking and dancing, doing my best to act as though everything is fine. That’s the first step. Actually feeling that way is bound to follow.

When I have a spare moment, I check my phone and notice Cade called and that I’ve also missed some texts. It’s after midnight, and I don’t want to wake him up just in case he found some elusive sleep.

Tomorrow morning will be soon enough to catch up with my man.

Being home throws me back into my routine. Autopilot is a blessing because I don’t have time to think about how hard and confusing life is right now.

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