Page 18 of Smoke the Enemy

“Hey, hey. I’m here.” He cups my cheeks. I’m barely keeping it together. I don’t know.I don’t know.I can’t take anymore. What’s happening in my life? I woke up to a wrecked car out in the middle of nowhere, and now here’s Alex.

I snivel and my bottom lip trembles as I speak. “Can you call someone? Please?”

“Of course.” He rubs his thumbs along my cheek. Despite myself, I lean into it. It’s soothing. He seems so solid right now. While everything is crumbling around me, Alex is standing here offering me comfort, and I don’t seem to mind it at all.

“I’m going to call, okay? But I need you tell me what happened. I need to know what message to relay. Tell me, Taylor. I’m here for you. Lean on me.”

“Alex,” I cry and gasp.

“I know.” He brings me into his arms, and God help me, I let him. “Ssh. Tell me, baby. My precious girl, tell me.”

“Mental breakdown? I had a moment… started crying… then lost control…” I hate how weak I sound. I’d survived all semester keeping it together only to crash my car while having a crying fit slash panic attack?God. What’s wrong with me?

Alex tightens his arms around me and cradles me to his chest. I cry into his shirt and find comfort in the fact that he doesn’t let me go. “It’s okay. You’ve gone through a lot, and it’s finally caught up with you. Let it out. I’ve got you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Wait, what’s happening? I’m surprised with the strength I gather to shove Alex from me. “Stop it! You don’t get to terrorize me, and then come play hero.”

He bursts out a shocked and disbelieving laugh. “Excuse me, but who got you out of that car? It was me, Taylor, I showed up.”

“I don’t want you showing up for anything having to do with me.”

“Why?”

“Because you scare me, Alex. I’ve told you this. I don’t like what you do to yourself or how you started behaving toward the end of our relationship. You won’t back off.”

Alex takes a single step toward me, but stops when I retreat a step. “I was in a bad place. You’ll never know how sorry I am for scaring you. But I’ve learned, explored, and accepted some things. It’s so freeing when you are finally able to accept yourself. Will you accept me now?”

My heart can’t handle this. I look at him, and a part of me still loves him. He was my first real boyfriend. How does he go from singing in the church choir and being a youth leader at vacation bible school to mutilating himself and practically hissing in rage over his urges. The gentle nature he would possess in front of everyone else, and then the obsessive control around me were like two ends of the same spectrum. Good and evil personified and it scared me to death.

“To be fair,” Alex continues, “I also didn’t know why I wanted to do the things I did back then. Hormones? Didn’t you suggest that? I’m not sure what it was, but I have it under control now. It’s been so long. Why can’t you give me another chance?”

“Because you scared me! Because you followed me to another state! Because you’re here now!” I scream and then fall to my knees crying. I’m tired. I’m so, so tired. I can’t do this.Make it all stop. God, please make it all stop.I jerk when I suddenly feel his hand at my face again.

“You’ve got a cut here. Just let me check it. Okay? I’m going to check your injury.”

At first I feel a light sting at the contact of him touching my cut, but then his warmth against my temple.He’s actually licking me…The warmth I feel spreads from there, and then throughout my body, turning into heated desire. It feels nice. I open my eyes to find Alex’s face against mine. He’s still licking me and now he’s kissing me while also sucking on the cut from the wreck.

I should stop him…but I don’t. I’m paralyzed with fear, confusion, and a weird yearning stirs in my lower abdomen. I shouldn’t be attracted to this. I must have really hit my head hard. Why am I not repulsed by what he’s doing to me? Then the dream comes to the forefront of my mind. I inhale a deep breath. There’s his scent again. Only this time, I imagine him taking out the knife and cutting me, just small cuts, nothing life-threatening…instead, just the opposite…it’s arousing, and then he begins licking me like he is doing now.

“Alex,” I say his name, hoping to snap him out of the trance he’s in.I need to be snapped out of the trance he has me in.

My hair is becoming damp from the snow, while my panties are drenched from my ex-psycho boyfriend rolling his tongue along my face. His body then presses against mine, urging me onto my back.My stupid body betrays me and moves how he wants it to.

His tongue slowly trails down the side of my cheek and then he nips my ear. “I’m not ashamed anymore, precious. I won’t turn down anything you offer me, or make you feel dirty. If you won’t judge me, I won’t judge thee.”

Definitely hit my head too hard. Maybe I’m dreaming again. Maybe I’m dead and I’ve gone to hell. Why else would I be on my back, bleeding, after being in a car wreck no less, with my ex-boyfriend on top of me? To hell with it, this can’t get any crazier.

“I’ve learned the knife can enhance pleasure. But I don’t want to scare you again.”

“Alex?” He makes a noise of acknowledgement as his fingers comb through my hair and he presses soft kisses to the back of my ear. “You used to cut yourself and make me watch you remove tainted blood, remember?”

“Yes. But I won’t lie to you, I still like to play with knives. Only now it’s solely for pleasure.”

Pleasure…My dream keeps gnawing at me. “What if I asked you to remove some of the tainted blood…from me?”

Alex doesn’t move. I don’t even think he’s breathing anymore. The only indication he heard me is his cock growing against me.

But then it all comes back. “Oh my gosh. No. I’m not thinking straight. Get off of me.”

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