Page 54 of Stains of Desire
"The truth. Whatever I've done to make you feel bad, I want you to tell me right now."
"My daughter is with God knows who. I don't know what they are doing to her or where she is. I've missed eighteen months of her life. I can't miss any more. It's killing me. Every second is torture. And then you come into the picture and...and..." I look away, wiping my tears.
"And what?" he quietly asks.
"You take my mind off of it. When I'm with you, I feel alive again. And it's wrong. There, I said it. It's the only time I don't think about her, and I already know I'm a bad mum. I didn't protect her, and I don't know what's happening to her. I shouldn't be doing or focusing on anything but looking for her."
"You aren't a bad mum. You did the best you could. It's not your fault they took her."
I only cry harder.
He stares down at me, but I can't see his expression. His chiseled face is blurry through my tears. In a controlled voice, he says, "I won't pretend to understand I have any idea what this is like for you. I'm reeling, and Millie isn't even my daughter."
"Then you understand why I need to keep her my priority."
"She is our priority," he insists. "But living in a constant state of obsession isn't healthy, either. You need to be strong so when we find her, you can help her deal with whatever she needs from you. Being tortured every second is only going to destroy you further."
"You're a distraction," I blurt out.
A bird screeches, and several fly over our heads. I jump. He slides his hands in my hair, and his thumbs swipe my cheeks. "Maybe you need a distraction, to give yourself a mental break. Because tormenting yourself isn't going to get your daughter back."
I close my eyes. "More than anything on earth, I want my daughter back."
"I will find her. And what's going on between you and me won't ever come before finding her. You have my word."
I can't speak. My chest is heaving with sorrow and confusion. I don't just want my daughter back. I need her. But it's also my desire to be with him.
He kisses my forehead and wraps me in his arms. "We have to keep moving. Don't forget my rule. It's stop or no. I'm going to continue touching you and making you feel until you tell me no or to stop. But I'll never put us before your daughter. And you can be with me, or choose not to, but I will find her." He kisses my head again and guides me farther into the jungle.
Every step of the way, I struggle with my inner demons. When it becomes dark, and he says it's time to set up camp, I'm no closer to figuring the right thing to do. The longing for him hasn't changed. My guilt and grief over my daughter haven't gone away.
I wonder if it's true. If he makes me feel and forget for only a few minutes, is it the best thing for me? And then the guilt over feeling pleasure when Millie could be in pain washes over me some more.
