Page 91 of Cavern of Silence
I should quit while I'm ahead. I almost destroyed any chance I have with her, but there's a part of me I struggle to control. Keeping it under the rug seems wrong after what I put her through last night. And I thought it died with Maureen, but she's awakened the beast within me. "I need you to understand something."
"Okay. Tell me."
I try to gather my thoughts. She stays silent, patiently waiting, but I see the anxiety in her eyes.
I finally say, "There's something Maureen used to get upset with me about, and I want you to know about it."
"O-okay."
Blood pounds between my ears and my throat goes dry. "She used to tell me that I snap too easily."
The brown flecks in her eyes darken. "Snap as in beat people up?"
"No," I sternly say. "What happened last night never has before. And I would never lay a hand on you or any woman."
"I know you wouldn't hurt me."
"But I might in a different way," I blurt out.
"What do you mean?"
I'm tempted to avoid her eyes, but I'm not a coward, so I don't. This is my shit, and I need to own it. "I used to get angry at the doctors. They never had answers. I couldn't help her, and at most of the appointments, I'd snap at them."
She caresses the side of my head. "You loved her. I'm sure it was frustrating."
"I wasn't able to make her better."
"You couldn't have. She was sick."
"Rationally, I understand. But the feeling I had, where I didn't have any way to help protect her, I haven't felt it since she died...until yesterday and especially last night."
Silence.
"I made you feel that way?" Julieta quietly asks.
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. What can I do differently?"
"Nothing. I'm not telling you this so you can change anything. I'm..." I close my eyes for a few moments.
"Ryker?"
I open my eyes. "This is part of my bad side. I'll try to rein it in, but I wasn't very good at it with Maureen, and I'm sure as hell not proving much better with you. I've never done what I did last night. But I felt like I'd failed you all day. I didn't step in when I should have with Hunter, and I snapped at you after the crossing, not because I was mad at you but because it scared the shit out of me. I don't want to lose you or for you to hurt. And the thought of anyone harming you creates this angst and rage within me I struggle to control. So I want to be this person who is always polite and says the right things, but I know I'm not. If someone isn't respecting you or is hurting you in any way, I'm going to respond in kind. It's like I let it build, trying to stay calm, but then I can't contain it anymore, and I explode. And it's been absent in my life, except with Maureen and now you. I know this about myself. I don't like it, and I try, but you have a right to know because it's a huge flaw in me, and if you don't want..." I take a deep breath. "If you don't want to stay with me because of it, I won't blame you."
She gently cups the sides of my head. "When you told me you wouldn't run from my imperfections, did you mean it?"
I tuck her hair behind her ear. "Yes, of course."
She lightly kisses me. "Then I'm not going to run from yours."
I exhale hard, unaware I was holding my breath. "No?"
"No. But I don't want you hurting yourself again."
I slide my fingers through her hair. "I promise you I'll never make you watch me harm someone again."
"Good. I like to think of your body as a temple."
