Page 163 of Cavern of Silence
"He set you up. All of you. It was a trap, spun behind closed doors."
Maureen's warnings remind me I need to talk to the guys about Louis and Interpol.
I take a shower, staying longer than I usually would, letting the hot water pound on my back, as if it could somehow erase Jonas's initials stained on me.
It'll always be there—a reminder of how you didn't pay attention and protect her.
He may be dead, but it's as if his legacy lives on me. He took away my freedom, and even in his death, he still owns me. And he made Julieta watch.
It's something I don't know how to get past or forgive myself for. I promised her she would never watch me fight again, and he gave her a front-row view of every man I killed that night. I told her over and over that no one would ever touch her again, and she would never be back under the Global Leaders' control, but I didn't keep to my word. They beat her in front of me, and I couldn't do anything to protect her or stop them.
I failed her.
I failedus.
And now she's here, loving me, paying the same attention to me and kissing me with the same amount of hunger she always did. But I don't understand how she can.
When she kisses or touches me, it's no different from before. She makes me feel like a man. But then the pulse of my wounds or scars on my body throw me back into reality. I'm not the man she remembers. And I don't know how to get him back.
All the time I spent locked in the cell, all I thought about was returning to her so we could have a future. I didn't contemplate what I had become. I only remembered who we were together.
But how can we be who we were when I'm not who I was?
If I lose her again, I'll die. There's no question about it. And my realization about what I lack only drives fear deep into my soul, which I only got back this morning when I held her again in my arms.
I give myself another disgusted glance in the mirror, wrap my towel around my body, and open the door. The room is dark, except for the moonlight shining through the window. Julieta sits on the edge of the bed in her bikini, as beautiful as ever.
"Sorry if I took too long," I say.
She rises and steps in front of me then puts her arms around my shoulders. Her thumb caresses the back of my neck, sending a wave of heat through me. "I bet it felt good after all this time."
"I had a shower after I killed Miguel, right before I gave your sister her freedom," I blurt out.
She freezes.
Silence.
A line forms between her eyebrows. The color drains from her cheeks. She tilts her head. "You saw Josie?"
"I didn't think about it until just now, but yes. I got out of the shower and went to the dining room where Evandro was. She sat next to him in a red evening gown. I thought it was you. I... I didn't understand why you wouldn't talk to me and had a blank expression. Evandro said he would give me my freedom, but I told him to give it to you."
Julieta's eyes widen. "You gave your freedom to Josie?"
"I thought it was you, until they dragged her out. She was speaking in Spanish, and I saw her back. I realized it wasn't you. But seeing her, it made the ache for you worse. It's like you were right in front of me, but you weren't. And not being able to touch or hold you was a new form of torture."
Her eyes glisten. "I'm so sorry."
"I don't want to lose you again," I whisper, closing my eyes and wishing I could stop my insecurities from tumbling out.
Her hands cup my cheeks. "Look at me, Ryker."
I open my eyes and hate myself further when a tear slides out.
"I've been in hell without you. Every moment we were apart, I tried to figure out how to get you back. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to keep us apart."
"I'm no longer the man you fell in love with, and I don't like who I've become."
The golden hues in her brown eyes flicker. "Don't say that.Youare my everything. And you're more of a man than anyone I've ever met. It was true the day I met you, and it hasn't changed. If I have to remind you every day for the rest of our lives who you are, and who we are, I will."
