Page 134 of Haze of Obedience
"And what about your body?"
"Scrub it down, every inch."
He stares at me.
"What?"
"I hope this is never your reality."
I turn away and nod. "I know. If it is, it means they've found me."
Unlike his typical denial that they won't find me and he'll protect me, he pulls me into his arms and murmurs in my ear, "If they ever lay eyes on you again, much less touch you, I'll come find you."
A bad feeling rolls through me so quickly, I get nauseated. I push his chest. "Why aren't you telling me they won't find me? That you'll keep me safe, how you always do?"
He sternly says, "I will protect you."
"But, you don't deny that they will capture me again?"
"I didn't say that."
"But, you didn't give me your normal answer." I've told him over and over that the Global Leaders would eventually find me, but he's always denied it. His current revelation scares me, and I realize how much I've found comfort in his resilient objection to my insistent statement.
"Zoe, I'm trying to not let my ego lead me. It's why we just spent the last hour going over all these ways you can defend yourself. I don't want to put you in a worse situation because I let my arrogance rule my actions when I could have prepared you to fight."
My gut drops. I already know my fate, but Dirk's been like a blanket I've wrapped around myself to conceal the truth of what's to come. I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm going to have to, aren't I?"
He cups my cheeks. "I thought you wanted me to train you."
"I did. I do."
"Why do I feel as if I've just done something wrong? Something to hurt you?"
I shake my head. "You haven't, but..." Tears well in my eyes.
He puts his lips on my forehead. "What is it? Tell me, my Little Diva."
"You always deny it and make me question whether I could be wrong. But now..." I stop and breathe deep.
He pulls me tight to his body. His heart beats hard into his chest cavity. "I will always do everything I can to protect you. All I thought about last night was making sure you had the tools to stop anyone from hurting you. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to do the right thing."
Get your act together, Zoe.
Why are you flipping out on him?
"I know. This was my idea. I'm sorry, I just..." I look up. "Tell me nothing is going to happen how you always do. Even if it's a lie, just let me hear you say it."
His face hardens. "Zoe, I'll die before I let them touch you."
I kiss him, knowing in my heart he would lay his life down for me, but not hearing him say the words I'm asking him too.
And I shouldn't even ask him to lie. I've begged him to teach me how to defend myself and use weapons to kill. I've insisted all along the Global Leaders will find me, and he won't be able to stop them. Now that he's done exactly as I ask of him, I'm turning into a woman who tells him one thing then in the next breath expects him to do another.
I kiss him. "Let's get out of El Salvador."
"Zoe—"
"I'm okay. Moment of craziness, that's all."
