Page 94 of Marks of Rebellion
She could be having a panic attack inside because of what I did.
I don't think, and that's why I keep hurting her.
It's like a wrecking ball is slamming into my heart, but the demolition isn't over.
There are no clear answers.
I grapple, searching for answers on how to be a better man so I can become the person she trusts, and not one who frightens her.
My head spins from the number of times I go back and forth, trying to figure out how to protect her when I don't know who or what I'm up against.
Trepidation manifests and eats at me that she'll never again be mine.
And I curse myself. Broken promises are all I see. Repeatedly, I've hurt her. My words and actions have caused her pain, but I've also put strings on our relationship. I gave myself to her and reiterated she was mine and I was hers, but then I yanked it back the second I didn't get what I wanted.
In the process, I became a dictator in our relationship, taking away any freedom she had to choose to let me in or not.
I'm no better than Carlos.
But I can't protect her if I don't know.
The bugs bite me, and after so many welts, I finally go into the house.
Tinker is the only one in the kitchen. He hands me another beer. "There's food warming in the oven for you."
"Thanks, but I'm not hungry."
"Passports will be done tomorrow." We had our pictures taken after we arrived, and Tinker's friend stopped by to get all the information he needed.
"Great. Appreciate your help."
"It's not a problem." His eyes scan my face.
I take another tasteless sip of beer.
"Lot on your mind?"
I grunt. "That's an understatement. Where is everyone?"
"Ryker and Julieta are in the living room. Vanessa's upstairs."
"How long has she been up there?"
"Since she came in."
More guilt that I've caused her to be upset spirals.
"How's your place in Australia?" he asks.
"Fine. I haven't been there much in the last few years."
"Why?"
I shrug. "I've been traveling."
He tilts his head. "Since when don't you spend every free moment you have in Australia surfing?"
Instead of answering, I finish half the bottle of beer.
