Page 38 of Marks of Rebellion
But there is nothing I can do to stop the pain, and I know it. For a brief moment, my beautiful Flower was mine. But now, I've lost her.
I let my emotions lead me instead of my head. It's my fault I argued with Julieta.
Why did I get into it with her? What was arguing going to achieve?
Nothing. But I'm a hothead, just like Kalim always claims whenever I do something stupid.
This is worse than anything I've done in the past. My actions hurt Vanessa. And now, she's done with me.
I walk right past everyone, as they all stare at me, and go into the woods.
I don't know where I'm going. But if I stay at the campsite, I'm going to lose it. So I trek through the jungle for several hours, trying to clear my head and figure out how to get through my remaining time with Vanessa.
The farther I walk, the more my head spins. I still don't know when or where we're supposed to drop her off. The thought of never seeing her again eats at my soul.
One thing never changes, though, no matter how far I go or whether she wants me around her or not. I'm not delivering her anywhere unless it's safe.
When I get back to camp, Andre is waiting for me and growls, "Where have you been?"
"I needed air. And we need to talk."
7
Vanessa
Hunter leaves,and the last look he gives me sends a new ache through my heart.
What did I just do?
It's not fair to drag him through my mess.
I need to figure it out.
Four times I've had an episode that bad. All were with Carlos. My panic attacks started after the first time he hurt me. As things got worse, they progressed. The worst of them were back-to-back. Then the guerrillas kidnapped me.
Not once in my time with the guerrillas or during the week I was with Santiago did I spiral into that tunnel of fear. Yes, my heart began racing again when I was delivered to Santiago, but I didn't have any attacks.
I don't know why it had to pop out today. Besides the looming question of where I'm going next, I'm with men who will protect me.
And the only thing I feel in Hunter's arms is safe. But I won't do to him what Carlos did to me. He required me to act in ways that weren't me.
Before him, I spoke my opinion and made my own decisions. Over time, the outgoing, self-confident woman Carlos initially met no longer existed. Every word I spoke around him, I debated in my head, fearful I would say the wrong thing. Even looking at another person in a way Carlos didn't like would set him off.
At the river, I should have told Hunter no more when he suggested he needed to change his tone around me. But I was in his arms, and all I wanted was him.
He's still all I want. But I don't want him to change who he is or how he acts around me. Hunter embodies all that is sinfully alpha male. It's what attracts me to him. And he deserves better than someone he feels he needs to "tone it down" to be with.
Maybe he shouldn't have gotten into it with Julieta, but I can understand why he's frustrated. All of us have our secrets, and none of us are willing to tell them, in fear it will make things worse.
Hunter and the rest of the guys are problem solvers. It's in their blood. And Julieta doesn't ever back down. So I can't fault him for being upset.
Naomi comes into the tent. "What's wrong?"
I wipe my eyes. "I had a horrible panic attack."
She puts her hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"
I force a smile. "Yes. I'm fine now."
