Page 144 of Depths of Destruction
"Nope. As soon as I get a chance, I'm taking you out for that five-star meal. And there's no better place than here."
"You know I was joking about the five stars, right?"
He kisses me. "Still going to take you out somewhere nice."
"Does that mean you aren't going to answer my question about kids until then?"
"No, I'll answer it now. Kids didn't fit into my lifestyle. I don't have anything against them, but it wasn't in the cards. What about you?"
"Same, I guess. I didn't ever feel the urge to have kids. My career was demanding, and I think...well, maybe because of everything Emilia went through, it scared me a little bit. Darien kept trying to convince me to move to Punta Gorda and have kids with him. He didn't seem to listen when I said I didn't want them."
Andre's face falls. He clenches his jaw.
"Sorry. You hate it when I talk about him, don't you?"
His eyes turn to slits. "He hurt you, so no, I don't like to hear about him with you. And I shouldn't be jealous, but I am."
I stroke his cheek. "You don't have anything to be envious over. And I know he wasn't who I thought he was, but it's hard for me to delete twenty years of memories. Until now, I..." I swallow the lump in my throat and put my hands over my face, hiding my tears.
Why am I getting emotional over Darien when he kidnapped me and hurt me?
Andre sighs and kisses my head. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"What is wrong with me? Why do I even care he's dead? I shouldn't."
"Grief isn't rational."
The plane stops and the signal goes off. I remove my hands from my face and release my belt.
The pilot comes out of the cockpit. He's got a beard, like Santiago, and dark eyes. Besides that, there is no resemblance between the two men, but anxiety overpowers me. I clutch Andre's arm while trying to fill my lungs with air.
"Baby, you okay?"
The pilot comes closer, and I dig my nails into Andre's skin, gasping for air. The fear filling me makes no sense. I know he isn't Santiago, but I can't control my panic or the increased tremors rolling through me. And I hate myself for being so weak.
"Sorry, but could you go back in the cockpit or outside the plane until we're off?" Andre asks the pilot.
He gapes at Andre.
"Now," Andre growls.
I put my head between my legs, trying to catch my breath.
"Does she need a medic?"
"No. Can you please go?" Andre puts his hand on my back then quickly removes it and strokes the top of my head. He leans into my ear and quietly says, "He's gone. It's just us."
"I'm sorry," I manage to say into my legs.
"Shh. Take some deep breaths."
He inhales and exhales with me until my heart has slowed and my chest no longer feels tight. I slowly sit up.
"Better?"
"I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Did the pilot remind you of something?"
