Page 10 of Crazed

Even though it was the truth, something about that conversation triggered me. That evening, I woke up in a sweat, sobbing from a nightmare of being back in the sauna. I was so hysterical, I revealed some of the things Ludis and Leo did to me.

Massimo held me, trying to calm me from my panicked state, but I saw the deadly anger in his expression. It should have freaked me out more, but there's as much comfort in his rage-filled eyes as there is in his vulnerability. He vowed to kill them all. I begged him to forget I said anything. The last thing I want is his life in danger, especially because of me. I know the extent of Ludis and Leo's wrath. But Massimo isn't going to forget it.

The ironic part about that night is I saw the killer in Massimo. I know in my heart he'd not think twice about killing them. That look was about getting revenge, not just because they’re his enemies but because he loves me. Yet one day, I'll pay for my sins. I shudder whenever I think about him turning those unforgiving eyes on me.

Lately, he's questioning me again regarding my involvement with the Abruzzos. I've barely skated past his interrogations. It's getting harder. Every time he drills me, I want to admit everything and beg him for his forgiveness.

The only thing I've ever wanted is for him to continue loving me. However, I know it's not possible. Eventually, it'll all come crashing down.

As our relationship has developed, I've witnessed the extremes of his need for vengeance and his vulnerability. And Massimo isn't dumb. No matter how much I fake stupidity, there have been too many close calls. He's called me out on it, questioning me over and over again. One minute, a fierce hurricane will swirl in his expression, making me worry he knows the truth. The next minute, we'll be in bed, wrapped around each other, and his soul-crushing, vulnerable scrutiny almost kills me.

Everything about his wrathful stance means I should be scared of him. I don't doubt Massimo would invoke the same pain on me as the Abruzzos if he ever found out who I really am. Yet there's a strange comfort knowing he's capable of harming me. Maybe I subconsciously convinced myself it would be better for him than for them to end my life.

When Massimo and I are lying in bed, and his body is pretzeled around mine, I tell myself it's time to end it between us before it's too late. I'll listen to him breathing, feeling his heartbeat against my back, ordering myself to sneak out and finally do what I've been planning.

For years, I've stashed cash to try and escape the Abruzzos. I have enough for a fresh start in the little beach town of St. Pete, Florida. I've never been there, but the photos and videos I've seen online make me believe I could be happy there. At least, I thought that until Massimo had to enter my life.

Too many nights, I lay in bed, plotting out my escape and reassuring myself it's better to try than continue to be at their mercy. When I met him, I was close to the amount I always told myself I needed. And if he weren't in my life, I wouldn't have thought twice about leaving. I'd be gone. However, I always chicken out when I try to work up the nerve to leave.

I can't even blame staying on the fear of the Abruzzos finding me. For years I saved my cash, diligently hiding it and mapping out how I would break free. Every task in my plan has a check mark. I'm unsure if I'd truly escape them forever, but I'm willing to die trying. So there's no reason to stay, especially since it's impossible for Massimo and me to have a legitimate future.

But I never even move an inch. Every night, I kick myself for my inability to leave. It's like paralysis replaced my motivation to go. Each time I think about not seeing Massimo, I feel like I can't breathe. I might as well take a knife and slice it through my heart. And that's why every day, I look at myself in the mirror, trying to find the strength to tell him we're through. But I'm in too deep. I don't know how to go back to the time when I only worried about myself.

Then there are these moments, like right now. I'm fixated on Massimo and his intense expression, even though it's only through the phone. All my self-talk to have him come over and discover the information I need for Leo falls to the wayside. Massimo's already commanding me, and he's not even next to me. Every word that flies out of his mouth might as well be a commandment. And I curse myself for the millionth time for being so weak.

"Let me in," he demands.

I blink, noticing the sunshine behind him for the first time. That's how pulled in I am. I didn't even realize he got out of his car.

I jump off the couch and press the button to release the lock to the building. My heart pounds with anticipation while I try to convince myself to manipulate him into telling me the information I promised Leo I'd obtain.

Get it, give it to Leo, then skip town,I repeat, over and over. If I give it to Leo, the best-case scenario is that he won't look for me. Yet I also can't shut up the voice in my head telling me it's a fat chance he won't.

I have to try.

Maybe I can disappear, and by the time Leo wants me to do another job, he won't be able to find me.

Fat chance.

By the time Massimo gets to my door, I feel stronger.

I can do this. Once I'm gone, I can attempt to have a life.

Without him? How?

Don't worry about that problem right now. This is survival.

My father's voice says in my head,"There's no room for weakness."

Massimo knocks. I take a deep breath, vowing to choose the chance for freedom over him.

Like all my previous attempts, my promise to myself falls to the wayside the moment he steps inside. Before I can even exhale, he tosses his jacket on the floor and has me against the wall, with his lips and tongue all over mine. His hands hold my cheeks. The woodsy scent of his cologne makes my butterflies go crazy. But the look in his eyes, the one that has both danger and vulnerability in it, that's the final bullet to my plan.

He's my quicksand. I'd happily drown in him forever. There's no pulling myself out. Instead of staying focused on my task, all I can do is fall further.

His steely gaze locks on mine. He studies me, the danger in his orbs flaring.

I panic that he knows something. My pulse beats in my neck while a lump grows bigger in my throat. I swallow it then ask, "What's wrong?"

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