Page 31 of Toxic

Every time I glance across the cemetery lot, two of the five men who killed him are there, staring at me, passing unspoken threats across Sean's coffin.

They're two of the five men who raped me in an abandoned parking lot at night while they tied Sean to the hood of a car and laughed as he screamed, begging for them to stop. Between their laughter, the other three thugs kept asking me if I liked Bailey or Rossi dick better.

They're the two men who married Sean's older sisters and called themselves his brothers, our family, yet it was all lies.

They're the same two men who sat on my back deck the day after, drinking beer as if it were normal, while my battered body ached and my heart bled. Like now, I can still smell everything about the men from that night—their sweat, the garlic and alcohol on their breath, the faint hint of lavender on their clothes from one of their detergents.

My children played in the backyard as my brothers-in-law, Niall and Shamus, told me the new rules of my life—rules that take any part of my heart that's left and turn it into the same ashes as Sean's only body part that will disintegrate in the ground.

If I don't follow their orders, they will throw me into one of their whorehouses. But that isn't what I'm terrified of the most. It's the threat to auction my children to the highest bidder that makes me follow their demands, hiding the truth from everyone.

Well, that and I don't know who to trust, including some of my father's top clansmen who arrived in Chicago for the funeral. They seem a little too close to Niall and Shamus, who warned me there were more Baileys and Rossis in the O'Malley clan, as well as my father's, and they would know if I told anyone.

I've never been involved in my father's affairs, yet I understand how he reacts. He would tell me he knows his men and no one will hurt the kids or me ever again. He would order his men to hunt for Lorenzo Rossi and the other three unnamed men I didn't recognize. Until Niall, Shamus, and all four were dead, he wouldn't rest.

So I can't take the risk. I have to protect my children. Sean Jr.'s only 11, Fiona only 9, and every decision I make has to be to keep them safe.

Sean's siblings, who are like my own, I can barely look at or speak to. They think I'm taking the kids to stay with my father for a while. All of them, including my father, have no idea of the other rules. As soon as the wake is over, I'm to leave Chicago, change the kids' and my names from O'Malley to O'Connor, and never contact any O'Malleys again. The first time I do, the Baileys and Rossis will come after me—after the kids.

The priest ends the ceremony, and my father guides us to his car. I lead my children through the rain, cursing myself too many times for my ignorance. I always thought no one would ever hurt me. I was Tully O'Connor's daughter and Sean O'Malley's wife.

Yet, I was wrong. So very wrong and ignorant.

I never thought about anyone being a traitor. When Sean ordered me to drop him off and told me if anything happened to him to take the kids to my father's in New York, I should never have driven away.

It's why I turned around and came back.

It was too late.

Sean might have told me to take the kids to New York for our safety, but he would never have wanted me to cut off his family.

My kids love every one of the O'Malley family members.

I love them.

They love us.

It's cruel, especially right now. It'll only multiply the pain for everyone. But I don't know what else to do.

Fiona and Sean Jr. sob harder when we get into the car. My father and I do our best to comfort them, but I'm lost.

How do you make a child feel better when their entire world is crumbling around them?

Plus, the guilt of what's to come makes me feel like I can't breathe.

The ride to O'Malley's pub is quick. When we walk in, I can't stop the tears. This pub has been my home since I left New York. It's where I met Sean. It holds a lifetime of memories, yet not enough.

It's the last time I'll ever step foot in it.

The entire wake, I spend with the O'Malleys I love around me. Declan, Nolan, Killian, and Nora are just as spaced out as I feel. I'm thankful they aren't close to their twin sisters, who married Niall and Shamus. It keeps them away from me until my father announces we need to leave for our flight.

He argued with me about returning to New York tonight, but I wasn't about to break a rule. My brother, Brody, finally stepped in and told Dad whatever I wanted to do was best.

Sean's brothers and Nora hug the kids and me. I've never held them so tight. They're going to hate me. They won't ever understand what I'm going to do. And it takes everything I have to remain standing.

I get through it, but then Niall and Shamus step in front of the door, embracing the kids and me.

The scent of their skin flares in my nostrils, mixed with whiskey, just like that night. My skin crawls, and my stomach dives so deep I get nauseous. My tears turn to full-blown sobs, and Shamus tightens his arms around me, making it last longer.

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