Page 38 of Craving Oblivion

I brushed her hair off her temple, a simple gesture of affection I’d made so many times before. But I’d lost the right for so long—to simply touch her. I smiled, even as the gravity of that settled over me. I thought again of all we’d lost. I rested my forehead against hers, my palm sliding down to capture her neck, tugging her even closer so our bodies touched from forehead to hips, all aligned. And it still wasn’t enough.

“You’re literally my other half. I need you. Not just want, or crave, or desire, or...or whatever. I need you, Aya Jane Aldringham. I’m not talking about grounding or calming me—I need to tell you my secrets, my fears… I need you in my life. Always.”

I breathed out the last word.

She inhaled shakily, her eyes huge in her pale face. Tears wet her lashes. “With my mum, it was easy. We had a simple life in all the villages where we lived. I never had to struggle for a place, to understand the jockeying and backstabbing of this world. I’m not good at it. So I can’t do this with you if I’m also freaking out about whether there will be an us. You say we’re two halves of a whole. Well, when you run, when you hide behind others instead of staying, of talking, it chips away at me, and we can’t…” Tears dripped down her cheeks. She needed another breath to go on. “We can’t fit together. My heart can’t fit yours.” She shuddered with a great sob.

I wrapped my arms around her, determined to do this. “We have now, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.”

She huffed a laugh. “Are you going to tell me this is a tale spun by an idiot?”

I shook my head. “No, but I am glad you caught the Macbeth reference.”

“Because I made you read it.”

I smiled.

She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead more firmly to mine.

Her answer at this moment would change us.

For better or worse.

I hadn’t realized the weight of that.

I was better with her. So much better. I could feel the weight of it creaking against my shoulders even now.

“I’ll propose,” I blurted. I dropped to my knee, pulled her to sit on my raised thigh. “We’ll get married. We’ll build our life, one that no one can rip apart.”

She opened her eyes, the purple irises stark against the red-rimmed lids.

“You and I both lived through our parents’ failed attempts at marriage,” she said.

“We aren’t our parents,” I said, desperation churning my guts. “Hasn’t that always been the point we’ve tried to prove? You’re not a fusty British peer, and I’m not a man led by my dick.” I winced.

This proposal was shit.

“You get what I’m saying. We’re not our parents. We’ve lived through their train wrecks and know what that feels like. We won’t get married without weighing the risks, but I know you’re worth every single one.”

She settled on my raised knee and wrapped her arms around my neck. She pressed her lips to mine. They were cool, soft, salty from her tears.

I wanted this kiss to spin out into forever. I wanted this to be my forever.

She pulled back, her eyes filled with the shadows I’d helped create. “Nash…”

I stared at her, my back slicked with sweat. But I waited. This had to be her choice. Even as much as I needed her, I knew I didn’t deserve this opportunity. I was selfish and I’d begged, but I wouldn’t force her.

She deserved more than that. She deserved...everything.

I hadn’t given her everything, even now. I cupped her jaw, tipped her chin, and kissed her. This time I didn’t hold back my confusion or pain, the fierce love, the deep affection. I put it all into that kiss. She pressed back, and I tasted anger and betrayal on her tongue. I shifted, softening, letting my body tell her I was sorry, so damn sorry for my teenage stupidity, for hurting her so much.

She clasped her palms to my cheeks and accepted. She relaxed and let me make the same promises to her lips.

She pulled back. “I’m pretty sure I still love you, Nash. You know that. So I’ll give you this chance to prove you mean it, but please.” She moved all the way out of my arms, wrapping hers around herself. “Please. Don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt yourself.”

She rose, and I caught a glimpse of hurt in her eyes. “And don’t propose to me unless you know in your bones that you want to marry me—and you’ll be faithful forever.”

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