Page 35 of Craving Oblivion

“I…I was offered an engagement.”

His gaze shuttered, his face leeching of that animation I’d been admiring as well as all color. “I see.”

“I declined because…” I squeezed my legs even tighter and straightened my spine. “Dammit, Nash. All it took was Jenna Grace bringing you up, and I couldn’t let this...thing between us fester any longer. It’s been years. I’ve been angry, hurt, humiliated. I need to hear what you have to say so I can let it go. Let us go.”

“Is that what you want?” His voice was raspy. The muscles in his face shifted, turned hard. “If so, there’s really nothing to say.”

I slammed my teeth together so quickly I winced. “I think there is,” I managed. “You never told me why.”

He rose in one smooth motion, a caged tiger on the prowl. “You disappeared before I could.”

I scoffed. “Like I was going to stick around for you to fuck Lindsay mere hours after you’d left my bed.”

He flinched so hard he stumbled. He rested his hands on the back of the nearest sofa, his fingers gripping to the point his nailbeds turned white.

“For the record, I never touched her—not on purpose, anyway. She drugged me. I was trying to get away.” His eyes sought mine, storms raging. “I wouldn’t have done that to you, not even high on meth and LSD.”

“I thought… The other students were already deriding me. My mum had just died—”

He pressed his fingertips to his eyes. “Shit, Aya, that was a bad night. Don’t you think I go over it in my head? Wish I’d never gone to Hugh’s party? Never gone home to see why Brad was texting me? If I’d stayed at your place, you would have curled up next to me, tucked in close. We could have cried together, been in shock together.”

“But we didn’t. You hurt me,” I said. My jaw quivered. “No, you publicly humiliated me right at the time I needed you most…” I shook my head and rose on unsteady legs. This wasn’t how I’d wanted this to go, but I couldn’t help myself. The sleepless nights and jet lag seemed to catch up with me in a rush, and I swayed. “I guess that’s that. History aired.”

I forced myself to turn my back and round the sofa, keeping my dignity intact. The next move was Nash’s. I collected my bag and headed toward the door.

Nash stepped in front of me. His palms slid around my shoulders, bringing my body closer to his. I wanted to lean into him, to rest my head on his shoulder to have him hold me as he used to. To hold me like I needed him to.

That’s why I’d come here. I might’ve professed that I wanted to clear the air for my return to Austin, but really, I needed him, the only person in my life I’d relied on besides my mother. I needed Nash to offer me the comfort he hadn’t that night.

I tipped my head back, lips parted to ask him what the hell he was doing.

His eyes were filled with remorse. “I’m so sorry about your mom, Ay. I’m so, so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

He held me loosely, giving me the chance to break away. The silence stretched, spiraled. I waited.

“I know how the video looked. And I’m utterly sorry I hurt you—especially then, when you needed me.”

My breath caught, and tears built in my eyes. “I…” I whispered. “I gave in to my fears. That’s why I didn’t give you a chance to explain. I was sure you wanted Lindsay because all the boys did.” I dropped my head. “I was wrong—for believing you wanted her, but more for not having faith in you.”

Nash studied me a moment. “I just got out of rehab,” he said.

I supposed he thought he was admitting some great sin. Or some great secret.

“I expect you and the rest of the world know that,” he continued before I could respond. “One of the things I did at that place, something new, was therapy. I spent hours in it—first to figure out what’s wrong with me and then to work on how to fix it.”

I frowned, unsure what this had to do with me.

“When Lev died, my parents basically abandoned me, Aya. Until you showed up—at first just in emails and texts—I had no one. I never felt safe. Then, I wrapped myself so tightly around you that I didn’t let you breathe. I didn’t let you be whoever you needed, wanted to be. And I didn’t know what to do when you pulled away. After I saw you with that first boyfriend, everything turned hopeless. Touring was exactly what everyone had told me it would be—a grind. I drank too much. Then I picked up pills—all the things I’d watched Mom do to ease her pain.”

He shook his head. “Eventually I didn’t remember days of my life, and that scared me. So I had to take a long look at my choices, what I’d done to myself. I’ve had to sit down with all the important people in my life and tell them how much they mean to me and how sorry I am for my choices and the pain they caused them.”

He tugged me a little closer, his face shining with earnestness. “I’ve done a lot of that, but it’s always been you I needed to apologize to the most. Because I loved you, Aya—even way back then. Even before I could figure out how to say it.”

My eyes widened. Noting my reaction, he smiled, but it was tremulous—so un-Nash-like. Nash was bold, confident. This man seemed unsure, but filled with fortitude.

“I’m sorriest that I never told you that.” He swallowed. “It’s what sowed the doubt between us. I understand now how much you needed reassurance. But all I could see was how supposed love had caused my parents to destroy each other. And they dragged me down into their cesspit with them.”

I hadn’t much considered how his parents’ messed-up marriage had impacted his ideas about love—that wasn’t at all like what we’d shared. We’d been laughter and purity even when the world attempted to intrude. But his parents had circled each other, making sure they were photographed with a person the other hated, going to great lengths to goad and hurt the other through the media, who printed each scrap for fans to lap up. Because I hadn’t realized that’s what Nash thought of as love, I’d been hurt when he wouldn’t tell me he loved me.

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