Page 22 of Craving Oblivion

While Jenna seemed nice, and certainly chatty, I refused to relive those dark moments from high school again—particularly not here at The Children’s Gala. It had been years. I was a different person. A stronger person. I had a degree, a career I loved.

I gathered my clutch and began to rise, unwilling to continue this conversation.

“Since you’ve taken Alistair’s seat, I’ll move over.” I rose, turning away.

“Is that your boyfriend?”

I hesitated. Alistair and I dated. We called each other for social engagements. “Yes.”

“The stuffy dude in the tux over there?” Jenna tipped her head. “The guy who was just telling his bros how he’d let you work for a year, maybe two, before you transitioned into your ‘proper place’ as the lady of the house?” Jenna’s lip curled. “Like it’s the Victorian era and our uteruses make it impossible for us to use our brains.”

“Alistair said…” I shook my head. No way he’d talk about me like that. What else had he mentioned? My hands tingled, icy cold, at the mere thought of him mentioning personal details of our relationship to his friends. He wouldn’t…would he? “You must be mistaken.”

Jenna shrugged. “There’s a crew of frat boys over there.” She waved her hand, and I noted Alistair’s dark hair among them. “Seems like the douches here just speak with a better accent.”

My eyes widened. “Your comments are uncalled for. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave me alone.”

She sighed, eyes downcast. “Sorry. I guess you do like the guy.”

I paused before I managed a smile. “Cam was always kind to me. Please give him my regards.” I said nothing about her, still unsure how I felt about this woman who insisted on blindsiding me with my past.

A niggling concern spread as I considered her comments about Alistair from my new seat. He’d asked me to attend this event with him, saying he wanted his family to see me as a capable hostess.

Because he thought I’d give up my career and do this full time?

“Steve said Nash was high and out of his mind at that party back in Austin when you finished high school,” Jenna continued, leaning over to bridge the space I’d just put between us, “that some Lindsay chick drugged him. That’s why he didn’t come right after you. After that, from what I understand, he was hurt. Deeply.”

I flinched as I did every time someone mentioned him. And that happened with more frequency since he’d hit the pinnacle of music success. While his songs tore up the charts, Nash’s smile had become more vacant, his cheeks hollowed out. His eyes had been glassy that day at the coffee shop. Since then, I’d read all sorts of rumors about his use of drugs and alcohol. Was that when it had all started? With Lindsay?

“She drugged him?” I couldn’t stop the catch in my voice. He’d acted so out of character that night…more aggressive, angrier. Scarier. Had none of that been his choice?

Regardless, he hadn’t been the man I’d loved—the man I needed to hold me, to grieve with me. He’d smashed me to bits that night.

Jenna tipped her head, a frown creasing her brow. “Hugh said he told you.”

I fidgeted as emotions swirled through me. “Hugh told me Nash was hospitalized. I was a mess because my mother had just died so… I don’t know. I never realized Lindsay drugged him…” I trailed off.

I’d broken my rule—I didn’t discuss Nash. I didn’t discuss my time in Austin. That’s how I’d managed to survive.

I licked my lips as I strove to calm the jitters racing over my skin. “I think I could have liked you,” I said. “Goodbye.”

Jenna rose, her eyes sad. “I could have liked you, too, but I’m pretty angry that you’re willing to throw Nash away for a frat bro.”

“You have absolutely no right to judge my choices,” I snapped, finally losing my cool.

Jenna’s small smile turned brittle. “I have more right than pretty much anyone else. I’ve lived that shame, your current fear. You don’t like what I’m saying because I’m hitting the raw spot.”

I turned away, my jaw clenched. But angry as I was, I couldn’t make myself leave. I wanted to—and also I didn’t. Jenna could provide me with more information about Nash, and I craved that knowledge like a junkie seeking her next hit.

“He’s in rehab,” she informed my back, as I continued to stand near the table.

I quashed the stirrings of sympathy and cut off Jenna’s careful words and cautious tone. If I didn’t, I’d fall back into the loop of wanting Nash, only to be blanketed in shame. He’d hurt me so deeply, and I… I looked away, my stomach tightening.

I’d hurt him back that day, in the coffee shop. I’d cut him just as he’d cut me.

The difference was, his hurt remained private, between the two of us, whereas mine was still watched by people on the internet.

“He seems determined to destroy himself,” I finally told her, turning back around. “After the childhood he had, no one can blame him. And the money, the fame, all the perks of celebrity status just make it worse.”

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