Page 19 of Craving Oblivion

“That was part of it. Now, she and Katie Rose—er, Kate are sightseeing in London.”

London. Aya. It had been a month since our angry exchange in the coffee shop. We hadn’t even managed a real conversation. Did she still live there, or had she come in for the show? I knew she’d graduated from Imperial College because I’d checked. But there was so much I didn’t know. Had she gotten the job she wanted? Was she building amazing creations?

“You know, I spoke to Steve after you called,” Cam said, pulling me out of my thoughts. “He said you gave him the boot.”

I met Cam’s gaze. “Needed to happen. He didn’t protect me.”

Not as a child from Brad, and not last night—today, whatever—from Lindsay. He was a shit father figure and a shittier bodyguard.

“He told me he wished, more than anything, that he’d handled the situation with Aya, when you were in the hospital, differently,” Cam said.

I didn’t have the energy to fight thinking about Aya any longer. She was everywhere, no matter how hard I tried. My longing for her slid out of the tight case I normally kept it in.

“I loved her so much,” I said, eyes still closed.

“I know,” Cam said with the quiet understanding of the guy who’d helped to pick me up the pieces after the fallout.

“Never told her that, though, did I?” I huffed out a dry laugh. “That’s the joke, man. Jax, Bridger, everyone keeps trying to push other women on me, but I’ll never want another woman like I want Aya. And I can’t have her because I hurt her, the one thing I never wanted to do. That I cannot believe I did do.”

That’s why for so long I’d refused to see my actions through her reality. Now I hurt, too—for what I’d done and what I’d lost. No, Aya shouldn’t blame me for being drugged, but how could she not question my commitment to her when I’d never actually made one?

When the car eased to a stop a while later, Cam turned to look at me. “I guess this is good luck.”

“I’m going to hate it here,” I muttered.

He nodded. “Yeah, you are. It’s a military-style program interspersed with therapy. Steve told me about it.”

“If that’s the case, the next few weeks or whatever are really going to suck,” Chuck chimed in.

“You’re a dick,” I said.

“Got a proposition for you,” Cam said. He squirmed a little and squinted at Chuck, who nodded encouragingly in the rearview mirror.

“If you get clean and stay clean, Chuck and I will find you a new manager and head of security.”

“Manager?” I asked.

Cam tucked his chin into his chest. “He’s the one who let Lindsay into your suite.”

My stomach flipped, even as impotent rage coursed through me. “Steve said he did it. Why would he do that?”

“He said you needed a wake-up call, and Lindsay was the best one possible.”

“Not really an answer.” But I hadn’t the energy to process more information at the moment. “I need to take charge of my life, and that means of my actions,” I told him. Cam had been the big brother I needed, the mentor who’d helped me find my place in the music world, and the friend I’d let down many times in the past few years. “And I’m sorry for not doing so sooner.”

Cam scrubbed his palm along his jaw. “I had a bum deal growing up. I get some of what you went through. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pretty pissed with how you’ve squandered your time.”

My throat tightened, and I dropped my head, unable to bear his disappointment. “There were a lot of days I didn’t care if I made it to the next one.”

He remained silent. I wasn’t sure I breathed. Finally, when the silence became ponderous, I forced myself to look up.

“I know exactly how that feels,” Cam said. He took my hand between both of his and squeezed. “And it would have hurt Chuck here, and my family, and me if you had managed to overdose or drink yourself into that oblivion you sought. So I’m glad you didn’t. And you won’t.”

I shrugged. “I’m fixing me for me. I’m selfish like that.”

Cam smiled, but it was sad. “You’re the least selfish person I know. You’re also one of the most sensitive. I think one of the worst things I ever did was let Asher offer you that recording contract. You weren’t ready.”

“I wanted it, though.”

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