Page 101 of Still Here Without You

I wish I could match her energy, but I’m dead inside so she gets the best I can do. “It went really well. What’s not to love? And he’s super cool.”

She rolls her eyes and then laughs before her face becomes serious.

“Do you think he’ll talk to you? Open up?”

“I hope so. Poor little guy’s been through so much. Does he have any other family? Other than Logan and his dad?”

“He’s got Logan’s grandparents, and Logan mentioned something about an aunt, but the way he said it made it seem like there was a story there. Maybe she wasn’t close to her sister?”

“And he’s got you.”

Summer beams at me. “He sure does. I just wish Logan lived here too so I could see him more often. I don’t feel comfortable visiting his parents' place without him there.”

“I’m sure they’d love for you to visit. Probably more than they want to see Logan.”

Summer laughs at that as her phone rings. “Sorry, it’s Cory,” she says with an apologetic gaze.

“Take it; we’ll talk later.” I’m so emotionally drained I could pass out for a week.

When I’m comfortable and ready for sleep, my laptop chimes with a new email. My heart jumps, wondering if it’s her. I’m doubtful after last night and yet, I’ll still always hold out hope. Leaping out of bed, I light up the screen and find my email app to see Delilah’s name in bold. I suck in a breath and hold it, not sure if I want to read what she has to say. I’m sitting on the edge of insanity. Her words right now will either give me the strength to keep going or convince me to give up. Something you’d think last night would have done.

My finger hovers over the button, unable to make a move. Ever since I received the first email from Delilah, while she was in Paris, I’ve been waiting for more to come…hoping they will. While it broke my heart to read it, it gave me insight, and it felt good knowing that I could help her in some way. Even if helping meant convincing her to hate me—something I seemed to have excelled at. I’ve received five emails in total, and without them, I probably would have given up months ago. I know I should’ve stopped reading them as soon as I realized I was never meant to see them, but at the very low points in my life, they were the only things getting me through. That is until I received her last email, the one before this one, the only email where she didn’t say I love you. The one that convinced me her words last night were true. That she was over me. And now I’m terrified that this is going to be the end.

Taking a deep breath, I clickopenand watch as her words fill the screen.

Joel,

I wish things were different between us. I wish I could be the strong woman you believe me to be and actually say this to your face, but I can’t. I know it’s my fault. I’ve pushed you away more often than I’ve given you reason to trust me, but that hasn’t been without heartache. We keep hurting each other, and it needs to stop. I love you, Joel. I love you more than I think I’ll ever love anyone, and because of that, I need to let you go. You deserve so much more than I can give you.

I have to look away when my eyes start to water.God, Del. Why are you doing this to us?Leaning back in my chair, I rub the palms of my hands into my eyes. I know how this note is going to end. This is my final goodbye.

Seeing you today in the park with that little boy broke me, but also gave me the strength I need to move on. Smile on your face, eyes shining brightly, you were so happy and I… Fuck, Joel. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this and neither can you. I’m sorry for my back-and-forth. I’m sorry for trying to make you believe I don’t care, when I care so much that it’s destroying me.

You’re supposed to be all knowing. You’ve always been able to see through my words, to understand what I need, even when I don’t voice it. What happened to that superpower? Why couldn’t you see that I’ve been begging you to walk away from me because I’m too weak to do it myself? Why couldn’t you trust that I was doing it all for you? So you get to live the life you always wanted.

You once said Paris changed me, and you were right. One hospital visit and everything changed. If I’d met you after that all happened, maybe things would have been different. We could have talked about it before getting to know each other. But now…now, it’s too late. You’re a good guy, Joel. One of the best. And that’s why I know that I need to make this decision for us…for you. Because if I ever admitted this to you, if I ever told you that I couldn't give you children, you’d never walk away. Even if you wanted to.

I know you love me. That was never in question. But our relationship never even had a chance to begin. It was all so new. Just because we fell hard doesn’t mean we’ll last forever. If I walk away, you get to start fresh. You get to find someone who doesn’t hurt you, find someone that you’ve never hurt, and have that family you’ve always wanted. This is the best decision for us both.

Goodbye, Joel.

My laptop falls from my hands and crashes to the floor as my chest is ripped wide open, and my heart’s torn out. “Fuck!” Slamming my fist against the wall over and over, I cry out in agony, but it has nothing to do with my now bloodied hand. Tears fall as I break for Delilah. Dropping to my knees, I bury my face in my hands, shaking uncontrollably. “Why? Why?” I’ve been so stupid. So fucking stupid. All this time, I thought I was doing the right thing, and yet, Iknewthere was more to it. Ifeltit. I should have pushed for answers. “Fuuck!” My hands dig into my eyes as I rock back and forth, cursing myself, cursing the world, cursing Delilah.Delilah! Fuck I know she’s hurting, but why is she so infuriating? Don’t I get a say inmylife choices? Find someone new? Like it’s that fucking easy. She’s ingrained in my soul. Her name is engraved on my heart. She never even gave me a chance to explain. Tofixthis. Totry.Fuck!

And she went through everything alone, without me. I don’t even know when it happened. Was she dealing with her inner pain while I fucked her best friend? The best friend she thought I got pregnant! Bile rises in my throat, and I run to the bathroom to vomit, almost missing the toilet bowl.Fuck!“What have I done?”

Collapsing to the tiles, I throw my head back against the wall and close my eyes, willing this all to go away. To go back to a time when my life was simple. To before Delilah left. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” I scream at the top of my lungs before the tears fall again.

I hear a thud as my bedroom door flies open and Summer comes running in to my bathroom. She drops to the floor beside me, wrapping her arms around me as I cry. She’s saying something, but I can’t process enough to understand her. Instead I continue to mumble, “I’m sorry,” over and over.

I’m not sure how long I stay that way, but Summer never leaves my side. She sits silently beside me, stroking my back, squeezing my hand or running her fingers through my hair. I’ve just calmed down when Dylan’s voice enters my thoughts. “How many times do I have to tell you she’s my girl…Fuck! What happened?”

I feel Summer shake her head, as if to tell him to drop it. She’s probably even telling him to leave us be. But I can’t stay like this forever. I need to be the strong one. Now, more than ever, I need to pull my shit together and be there for Delilah. Even if she wants to push me away.

Freeing myself from Summer’s arms, I stand up and clear my throat. The action causes a burning sensation, like my cries have scratched me up inside. Walking back into my bedroom, I grab a bunch of tissues from the box on my nightstand and hold them over my bleeding hand.

Dylan drops onto the bed, as Summer moves to stand beside me, their faces full of concern. Dylan bends to pick my laptop off the floor and then both sets of eyes are on me. With a blank stare, I release a deep breath and begin. “It’s not my place to tell you what’s going on,” I rasp, “but Delilah’s hurting, beyond what any of us thought, and I need to fix it. I—”

“Fuck! Sorry I didn’t mean to look. The laptop. Does she know about your mom?”

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