Page 99 of Still Here Without You

My world stops. Despite being exactly what I wanted from him, the thought of it rips my heart in two. But I have to do this. For both of us. Gathering all my strength, I school my features and turn to face him. I stare directly into his eyes, giving him no reason to doubt me, and say the words he needs to hear. “I don’t love you anymore, Joel. You need to move on.”

My voice is even and much clearer than I thought it would be. It’s strong, direct, and hits exactly where I needed it to. How I pulled that from myself at that moment, I’ll never know.

Joel winces and steps back. His eyes flash between mine as he tries to find a chink in my armor. I stand tall, square my shoulders, and with a blank expression, send my message home. “All it is for me now is attraction. You are the guy I once loved, but nothing more. The love I had for you died somewhere along the way, and I have no intention of trying to resurrect it. I’m done. For real this time.” Every word out of my mouth is like a stab to my heart. It takes every fiber of my being to hold myself together as I look at the man who is everything to me and allow him to break.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I try to stop the tears from forming, but when Joel’s fill with unshed tears, I almost lose it. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I reach for the door handle and pull it open, needing to get out of here as fast as possible. “Goodbye, Joel. Take care.”

I walk away to a loud thud and have to stop myself from running back in to check on him. As soon as I’m outside, I hide around the dark side of the house and burst into tears.

The door opens and closes several times, the music flowing out reminding me that others are happy and carefree while I am still hurting. I shouldn’t be feeling heartbreak like this. When I’ve finally stopped crying long enough to book an Uber, I remember my phone has no battery.Great.I have two options—go back inside and risk seeing Joel again, or wait and hope that someone I know decides to leave very soon. I sit on the edge of the porch, just out of sight of the light shining through the front windows, and wait… Thankfully it’s not too long.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Joel

Irubmyhandwhere it just connected with the wall and then curse, wiping away the few tears I let fall. I try to fix myself enough that I can leave the room without drawing attention. It’s not easy though. It feels like a chunk of my heart was just ripped from my chest, and I’ll never be whole again.

After leaving the study, I head straight for the kitchen and open the cabinet under the sink. I’ve heard that’s where Nate keeps the good stuff, and I’m happy to say my sources are correct. Sinking back shot after shot, I drown myself in alcohol, trying to make the pain go away. I know I need help. That I can’t keep using this as a coping mechanism, but that’s a problem for another day. Right now, this whiskey is my only friend. And I need to get the image of Delilah out of my head.She doesn’t love me.Thinking she’s not over my mistake is one thing. I can work with that. But this…this felt final. Her blank expression told me everything I need to know.

By the time I’m halfway through the bottle, the world begins to blur, and my body starts to shake. I’m fucked. Completely fucked, but I don’t care. I can’t care. Caring only brings on the hurt; caring is what screwed me over in the first place.

Pushing off from my place leaning against the kitchen counter, I go in search of a bathroom. I say I’m searching because even though I’ve been here a hundred times before, nothing looks right. Everything’s a little distorted.

Smiling as I walk, I fight to keep my eyes open, having them squeeze shut every now and then without my permission. When my toe hits a step, I gain my bearings, knowing there’s a toilet close to the top of the stairs. Using the railing, I drag myself up and practically fall through the open door. But I make it, and that’s all that counts.

Done relieving myself, I’m washing my hands when the door opens and someone steps in.

“Need help?” A voice sounds from behind me, prompting me to turn and lean against the counter. I can just make out that I’ve seen her around, but couldn’t say her name. I stare at her in silent question until I remember she asked me something.Was she asking to help wash my hands?“Nup. I’m good. They’re all clean.” I hold up my hands as proof in case she wants to see for herself and then straighten up to leave the room.

“I was actually thinking I could help in other areas,” she says as the palm of her hand hits my chest, pushing me back into the counter.

I’m confused at first—stupid brain taking too long to process information—until her hands move to the button on my jeans. Oh,thathelp. No, I don’t want that help. I’m not doing that anymore and—Fuck!

“Stop. No. I don’t,” I blurt in a panic and grip my pants to stop them from falling.

“I can make you feel soo good—”

“No!” I yell, leaning back into the mirror to get some distance between us. “I’m not interested. Now, pleasemove.” I barely give her a second to act before I stumble around her and push my way through the door, my heart racing as my head spins. I make it about ten steps down the hall before falling to the floor in a heap, dropping my face in my hands.Fuck! I feel sick. I don’t want that. Why would she think I wanted that? I only want Delilah. I’ve always only wanted Delilah. What the fuck have I been doing? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I’m not sure how long I sit slumped against the wall before a soft hand lands on my shoulder and someone drops down beside me. Summer’s voice breaks through my thoughts, and I almost sigh out loud in relief. “Oh Joel. Come on. Let’s get you home.”

I allow her to pull me to my feet and lead the way, happy for this nightmare of a day to end.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Joel

Doyoueverwonderwhat your life would be like if you’d done one thing differently? Just one single thing, no matter how great or small. That’s where I’m at right now. I can’t stop thinking about last night. What I could have changed to avoid breaking Delilah’s heart, and mine, all over again.I’m not even sure what went wrong this time. Actually, if I’m granting myself a change, then I should go back to the beginning. Tell Delilah I don’t give a shit about her reservations, that we’re meant to be together and that she can move anywhere she wants as long as she does it asmy girl.Of course, I’d make it sound much nicer than that, but it’s what I should have done.

I’m still distracted by my thoughts of Delilah when I arrive at the park to meet Logan and his little brother, Liam, but as soon as I come to a stop, the reality of what I’m about to do comes to mind. I’m really fucking nervous. Logan and Summer have been best friends for years, and while I don’t know him as well, I understand why she asked if I’d do this. She cares for him and his family more than she cares for her own. But now that it’s happening…what if I fuck it up? Sure, I’ve been studying this very thing for years, but this feels different, because it’s real and he’s so young. Plus my confidence is at an all-time low at the moment. I can’t seem to get my shit together. But now’s not the time to fall apart.

Logan only discovered he had a brother last year, after Liam’s mother died in an accident and he moved in with Logan’s dad,hisdad. The poor little boy is struggling with it all but won’t open up to any professionals about it. Summer and Logan are hoping that taking a casual approach might help.Fuck, I hope I can help.

When I don’t see Logan’s car, I head over to an empty seat and make myself comfortable. Leaning into the backrest, I kick my feet out in front of me and close my eyes, listening to the sounds around me. If I didn’t have so much on my mind, I could probably sleep. Noise settles me; it always has. I study with loud music, and I just think better when there's stuff going on around me. Silence has never been my friend. I think that’s part of the reason I started drinking more when I wasn’t in a good place. Being high on life and partying was a much better option than being alone with my thoughts; if only it hadn’t gotten to the point it did last night before I realized it needed to stop.

Even Dylan and Summer telling me I was fucking up didn’t get through. But getting myself into a situation where I almost fucked up again after promising Delilah I wouldn’t? Yeah, that did the trick. Hindsight, hey? Actually, that’s not right. I can’t put it down to wishing I had hindsight. I need to put it down to wishing I’d never been so stupid to begin with. People tell me I’m the smartest guy they know. Well, I sure proved everyone wrong.

“Hey, man. You’re here?” Logan says from behind me, interrupting my thoughts. I sit up straight like I’m being judged on making a good impression and then look over my shoulder. Logan can be an intimidating guy for those that don’t know him. He’s built tall and solid, with tattoos covering his skin. But standing there now, with a nervous looking boy hiding behind him, his tiny hand clutching Logan’s, he comes across as a friendly giant instead.

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