Page 98 of Still Here Without You

“I’m on my way out. My Uber’s almost here. Some other time.” I’m lying. I was going to walk for a bit and then get an Uber from another location. They’re more likely to accept the booking when it’s closer to campus.

“Your Uber can wait. I’ll pay the charge.”

“Joel, I’m not—”

He lightly grabs my wrist and pulls me into a nearby room before pressing me against the wall. It’s pitch-black inside, so I don’t even know where we are, but I don’t need light to know Joel has fire in his eyes. “You wanted me to sing, didn’t you? I could see it in your expression from where I was standing.”

My breath hitches when I feel how close he is to me, but I try to appear unaffected. “That means nothing. Call it curiosity.”

“Nah, that’s not it. You’re still affected by me. You still want me.”

One of his hands grips my hip as the other moves up and down my body. I suck in a breath at the touch of his fingers and have to fight to keep my hands to myself. It kills me that I can’t see him. That I don’t know what he’s going to do next. My heart beats out of my chest as I wait for him to move, and when he pushes my legs apart with his foot and moves his knee between them, I do everything I can to hold back a moan. My pulse is out of control as, ever so slowly, he moves into my personal space. First, it was his leg, then he presses his body flush to mine, highlighting exactly how affected he is. Finally, I feel his breath on my cheek before his whispered words send a shiver right through me. “I can’t stand back and just text anymore, Del. Every second of every day, I want you. No, Ineedyou. I know I fucked up, and I know you’re scared, but can you honestly say you feel nothing for me? That all those feelings are gone?”

No, I can’t. I’ve never wanted anything more.

“Joel, I can’t do this. I’ve got to go,” I whisper back, because that’s easier than the truth. The truth being that for every second of every day, I’ve felt the same.

“I know you feel something, Del. That you still think about me. I can see it. You can say youcan’tas much as you want, but I know you still feel it, in here.” He puts his hand over my rapidly beating heart, and I have no doubt that the intensity of the thumping in my chest gives my lies away.

“Please, Del,” he begs, then steps away. My heart breaks at the strain in his voice. He can see right through me, but he wants me to open up. For me to admit it. My eyes start to adjust to the darkness, and I can just make out his figure in front of me. He’s staring back at me, unmoving, causing me to suck in a breath, my heart rife with expectancy.

When he steps forward again, my pulse spikes. The tip of his nose touches mine, and I have to stop myself from seeking out his lips. I’m desperate for his touch. I want nothing more than to have his mouth on mine, his tongue swirling inside. It’s strange that despite everything we’ve been through since I got back, his lips have yet to touch mine. At this moment, it’s a struggle to remember why I’ve been putting us both through this. But my reasons still exist, and they’re not going away. I sigh and turn my head to the side, away from his face. “I can’t. Joel, please.”

“Please stop running away. I know you want me…us,” he says, turning my face to press his lips to my cheek, just missing the edge of my mouth. I don’t answer so he moves my face again, pressing a kiss to my other cheek, this time hitting the corner of my lips. “Tell me you’re not affected.” He moves his body so close that only our clothes are separating us, and then I feel the touch of his lips on mine. It’s so light that I could be imagining it because I want it so badly. But I’m not imagining it, because when he speaks, his lips brush against me, and a bolt of electricity runs straight to my core, killing all my resolve. “You—”

My lips crash to his as my hands find the buckle of his jeans. Joel groans at my sudden attack before his arms wrap around my back and he pulls me into him, squashing my hand between us. He bites down on my bottom lip before sucking it gently and then repeats his action with the top, making me cry out in pleasure, as a buzz runs through me. I somehow manage to get his pants down enough that I can shove my hand into his briefs and wrap my fingers around his length. His mouth rips from mine as he yells out a string of curses and frantically lifts up my skirt, spreading my legs farther apart. His fingers are inside me before I’ve even had time to blink, and I cry out when he rubs my most sensitive spot. We spend a few minutes touching, exploring, and pleasuring each other until I’m so close to coming that I have to pull away. “I need more,” I rasp and Joel nods, understanding my meaning. He lowers his briefs and lifts me up, positioning himself at my opening. I immediately sink down on top of him, needing him inside me more than I need my next breath, and we both cry out in ecstasy.

“Fuck!” Joel says through gritted teeth as he holds me against the wall and pumps into me.

I match his intensity, using his shoulder as leverage to help me rise up and slam back down repeatedly, causing us both to groan. Leaning down, I press my forehead to his as our speed increases, our bodies so close that we’re almost one. Joel’s grip on me tightens as he tenses up, moving his free hand into my hair. “Fuck, Del. I’m not going to last. This feels too good. You feel too… Fuck,Fuck!”

He stops moving and looks up into my eyes, breathing erratically. “I don’t…I’m not wearing a condom. Are you still on the pill?” he breathes out in a panic.

I recoil as though I’ve been slapped, his words completely snapping me out of my lust-filled daze. Using all my strength to push him back, I try to get away, yelling “Stop!” when his confusion means he doesn’t first release me. Joel flinches and pulls out, lowering me to the carpet before pulling up his pants and stepping back. I can just make out that his expression holds a mix of hurt and anger. I’m frozen for a moment, but when Joel speaks I snap out of it.

“Delilah…” he trails off, his voice raspy and desperate.

“No, I don’t want this. Go and find one of your girls to finish you off.” I cringe as the hurtful words fly out of my mouth.

“What? Delilah…” Joel trails off as he moves back into my personal space without touching me. “I’ve been doing this your way for a long time. I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me, even when I hated it. You came back. You’re standing in front of me; I know you want me, and yet, I’mstill here without you. I’m not perfect. I know that. Yes, I was fucking around, but I stopped. I want to fight for us. To prove that you’re my everything. I know there’s still something between us.”

I’m confused by his words but also struggling to focus with his proximity, so maybe they make sense. Before I can say anything, I’m blinded by light as Joel flips a switch near my head. “Let me fight for you.”

My eyes flutter as I try to get accustomed to the sudden brightness. “What?”

His touch, the bright lights, his breath still on my skin, his tone. It’s all too much, and I can’t process what he wants from me. Joel raises his hand to my face, cups my cheek, and runs his thumb over my lip. He stares into my eyes like he’s looking into the deepest part of me. “Let me fight for you.”

His words penetrate right through me, and I suddenly see everything clearly. He’s right. I’m not being fair. I’m not giving him a chance to decide what he wants. I need to tell him.

“Joel, I—”

“Please, I need you to forgive me, Del. Every day I wish it had all played out differently, that I’d never slept with Rachel. That she’d never lied about her pregnancy. Or if there had to be a pregnancy then I wish it had beenyou. But none of that happened, and we can’t change the past, but we can work on a future together.”

My heart stops as all of my pain is thrown back at me in one simple statement. I can’t do this. For either of us. I've been telling myself that everything I’m doing is to protect Joel and that’s true, but I need to protect myself too. Because if I told him what was going on and he walked away, or worse, stayed and resented me, I don’t think I’d ever come back from that. I hate the thought of what I’m about to do. The hurt I’m about to cause us both. But I can’t let him fight.

“It’s over, Joel. I’ve got to go.” Swallowing the lump in my throat, I step out of his hold and turn toward the door.

“You may choose to believe that, but you’ll never convince me,” Joel rasps, pulling me up short. I don’t turn around as I consider how to get through to him, but he gives me an opening with his next words. “Unless… Look me in the eye, tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll walk away and move on…for good.”

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