Page 81 of Still Here Without You

“I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have said that. But please don’t let it set us back. Please.”

I shake my head, not really knowing what I want to convey. Am I saying it's not his fault, or confirming that it is? Taking a deep breath, I try to focus enough to get myself out of the situation and away from the pain.

“I’m just not…not feeling well. Is the Uber here?” Retreating even further, I look down the street and sigh. It’s empty.

“Fuck!“ Joel yells, but it’s not at me; it’s definitely at himself. With his arms locked behind his head, he paces, cursing under his breath, until he stills suddenly and looks back at me. “The jacket’s yours, you know,” he says, pulling me up short.

“I…what?”

Joel looks away for a second, and when he focuses back on me his eyes are full of something I can’t quite figure out. “I bought it for you. It’s always been yours, and you just said—”

“I know what I said, but I was joking. I thought it was Lucy’s.”

“It’s not,” he rasps. “She’s never even been on my bike.”

What? “Why…why would you do that? That’s hundreds of dollars.” My voice rises in panic, but it has nothing to do with money.

“Maybe because I was in love with you? I may not have realized it at the time, but I bought you a fucking designer jacket. I must have been falling in love.”

I sigh as my heart aches. “I didn’t know,” I whisper.

“I know.” His voice holds so much emotion in such a simple reply that my throat clogs. “Anyway, it’s yours. I’ll bring it by this week.”

No. No. No. He can’t… I can’t…“I don’t think that’s a good idea, considering…” I rush out, not even sure what I’m trying to say.

“Considering what, Del?”

I pause for a second before answering. “It’s over,” I state. “We’re not together anymore.”

“We were never together. It doesn’t change how I feel. It’s yours. I’ll only ever wantyouto have it.” His voice rises, and I’m pretty sure he’s not talking about the jacket anymore.

“I can’t, Joel. I’m sorry; I can’t. This is all too much.”

“It’s just a jacket.”

“It’s not even about the jacket,” I say, voicing what I’m sure were his thoughts. “I mean this.” I gesture between the two of us. “Thisis too much. Tonight shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let it happen.”

“Tonight wasn’t a mistake, Del. You wanted it.”

He’s right. I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried, but that’s why I need to stay away. When I’m with him I forget all the reasons we should be apart. “It was fun at the time, but when it comes down to it, I’m not over what you did.” I pause again, because these words are killing me. Taking a deep breath, I gather my strength and finish. “And I may never be.”

Joel’s face drops and he looks to the ground. When he looks back up, his hurt expression is gone, and in its place is a mask of confidence and determination. “What if I don’t give up? What if I want to fix us?”

Oh God!My heart cracks as my stomach churns. “I don’t want you to fix anything. It’s done,” I say, stepping back. “I don’t know what you expect from me.” My pulse spikes as panic takes over.Why couldn’t I have left him alone? Why can’t I stay away?

Joel steps closer. “I want you to be honest with me, to tell me what I can do because I’ll do just about anything.” I shake my head; it’s all I can do. I don’t know what to say. Joel eyes me curiously before he speaks again. “Is there more to it? Something you’re not telling me?”

My heart stops and tears prick my eyes as all the memories I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind come to the surface. He’s right, but at the same time, what he did was enough to break us. It’s just not theonlyreason. “You slept with my best friend, Joel. I can be angry at just that. There doesn’t have to be more.” I give him as much of the truth as I can.

“Fuck! I’m sorry, Del. I know I fucked up, and I want to do as you asked and stay away. I want to do anything I can to keep that look off your face, but you foundmethat first day, and you didn’t push me away tonight.Why?”

I run my hand through my hair and sigh. “Sometimes, I just wish I had my old life back,” I whisper, and then louder I add, “That things were the way they were before I left, before…” I trail off because I’ve already said too much.

Joel shakes his head in disbelief. “If you want that life back, just take it. It’s fucking yours.I’mfucking yours. We were happy then; we can be happy now.”

A car arrives at that moment. “Uber’s here,” I say, needing this conversation over. The door to the club opens behind me and the music flows out, but I ignore it. My focus remains on Joel as he takes a step toward me.

“I’m sorry, Del. Let me take care of you. We can talk about everything in the morning. We should have talked properly. We never did.”

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