Page 74 of Still Here Without You

I’m about to reply when Shelby cuts me off. “I didn’t want to mention this before the audition, but don’t worry too much about what those girls were saying. Yes, Joel sleeps around. But everyone can see it’s emotionless. It’s like he sent his heart to Paris with you.” She giggles, like she’s saying all the right things, when, in reality, she’s tearing me up inside. My heart wrenches as she continues. “I’m sure he’d take you back in a heartbeat.”Fuck!Her words are the opposite of what I need to hear right now, and as soon as we part ways, I pull out my phone and text Joel.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Joel

AquietdrinkwithDylan to drown my sorrows turns into a big night out, and before I know it, I’m drinking myself stupid on a school night. She canceled. Shefuckingcanceled.

Del: I’m sorry, I should have messaged sooner, but I’m not going to make it…

That’s it! Well, to be fair, she wrote a bit more, but I threw the phone after that, knowing it was just another excuse. I could tell through her previous messages that she was holding back. That she hadn’t quite convinced herself she’d forgiven me enough to move on. Guess she figured it out, and the answer is no.

“Joel, that chick near the bar has not stopped staring at you. You should head over there,” Luke says, giving me a nudge, pulling me from my thoughts.

Dylan scoffs beside me. “What the fuck, Luke? Delilah’s back.”

Luke looks my way with mock surprise. “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you and Delilah were together considering she’s back and you’re here on the verge of being passed-out drunk.”

“Fuck off,” I say, shaking my head as he laughs. He’s right, though. We’re not together. We never were, and yet I’ve hung on to the idea of us like she's the only girl on the planet. And for what? Looking up from my beer, I peer toward the bar until I find a beautiful brunette with her gaze locked on mine. A light blush brightens her face when she smiles, and I’ve gotta say that if I wasn’t still hung up on a certain redhead, I’d be over there in a flash. I raise my beer in an acknowledging gesture, but then offer her nothing else. This situation is fucked-up.

“All I’m saying is you can’t stay attached to someone that doesn’t want you.”Ouch!

“I think Joel’s sleeping around proves that he’s not attached to anyone,” Dylan adds his opinion, making me feel bad even though I haven’t done anything wrong. Sleeping around aside, I’m absolutely attached to Del. Have been since the moment we first kissed. Yet time and time again, I’m reminded that it’s not going to happen for me. I’ve had enough. Instead of another beer, I opt for something stronger for the next few rounds, and the more I drink, the easier it is to convince myself that Luke is right; I need to move on. Actually, moving on is the wrong term. I need to get laid. Forget about my problems and just enjoy the release. After all, it’s apparently become my MO. So, why not embrace it?

I find some potential—some really hot potential—and am about to join them on the dance floor when Dylan’s hand locks on my forearm. “Are you absolutely sure there’s no chance with Delilah? Fucking around when she’s away is one thing; doing it now that she’s back…”

“How do you know I'm not just going to the bathroom? Since when do you read minds?”

“Since you spotted a group of hot girls and basically started drooling.”

Fuck! I’m more drunk than I thought. I’m usually more stealth than that, aren’t I?Ah, well. What can you do?“Okay then, to answer your question…I’m sure.”

Dylan shakes his head. “I don’t like this, man.”

“It’s just a casual hookup. I’ve already fucked things up with Del. What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask, then laugh.

Dylan gives me a look because I’ve already had a taste of the worst that could happen. It’s what got me into this situation in the first place. Bile rises in my throat, even now, thinking about it.I really need to stop thinking. After knocking back the rest of my drink, I jump up and head to the dance floor. It’s time to take action.

Just like every other time I’ve been in this situation, I hate myself the second I can think clearly again. This is not me. I’m not this guy. And I shouldn’t even be feeling like this. I’m not tied down. I’m nobody’s man, and yet the guilt always seeps in and I want to throw up.

Clenching my fists as I leave, I jump in a cab and start dialing Delilah’s number before my ass has even warmed the seat. She answers groggily, but I don’t even care that I’ve woken her.

“Nice to see you haven’t blocked me again,” I say with bitterness in my voice.

“Joel?”

“What am I to you? What do you want from me?” My voice rises and my eyes meet the driver’s in the rearview mirror. I hate the sympathetic look he gives me. I’m such a fucking mess.

“Joel, it’s four a.m. I don’t think now’s the best time—”

“I’ve tried to make other times. You won’t see me. I know I fucked up. I know that. Believe me, I hate myself enough for the both of us. Butyouapproachedme. You could have easily walked away, and I’d be none the wiser. I’ve been waiting for you, Del, and I didn’t even know you were back. So, I’ll ask again…what do you want from me?”

Delilah scoffs and shuffles around like she’s sitting up. “You waited for me? Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“Yes, because it’s true. I fucking waited for you. And now you won’t even let me try to win you back.”

“You’ve been sleeping with anything that moves. Did you seriously think I wouldn’t find out? That the cheer girls wouldn’t be desperate to tell me? To rub it in. Do those girls know you were waiting for me?”

“I’m single, Del. You always reminded me of that. And you finding out wasn’t an accident. Sleeping around has nothing to do with waiting for you. You said so yourself; you assumed I was doing it anyway, so why not?”

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