Page 72 of Still Here Without You

“I did. We spoke for a while, actually.”

“And…” I finally look her way to see her rolling her hand as she coaxes me to talk.

“And it was awful and wonderful and heartbreaking and…” I blow out a breath, squeezing my eyes shut. “Why can’t I move on?”

Mom sits beside me and rests her hand on my thigh. “Because you’re denying yourself the happiness that you know the two of you could have.”

“Mom,” I warn. “We’ve been over this.”

While she says she understands, she equally tries to push me to change my mind. On one hand, she gets it, but on the other, she wishes I’d consider a different path than the one I’ve chosen.

“I know, you want to focus on your studies, just like you only wanted to focus on the internship and your health. And I know that after that, you want to girl-boss the hell out of life—”

“I’m not sure I used those words,” I say, cutting her off. “But, sure, that works.”

Mom laughs. “You can have a career and love, Delilah. Plenty of women do.”

“I know they do. I’m not closed off from love…” Mom raises an eyebrow, calling me on my bullshit with one look. “I’m not closing myself off forever, anyway. I’m sure there’s someone out there for me. I’m just not focusing on that right now.”

Mom sighs as her lips pull into a frown. “If I knew this decision was coming from the right place, I would support you one hundred percent. You know that. But I don’t, so I’m going to continue to challenge you.”

“I know,” I huff with attitude.

“Good,” she huffs back.

“Good.”

“Ice cream?”

“Please.”

Mom laughs as she walks away. We’ve had this conversation a hundred times since she found me on the floor crying about Joel. She doesn’t get it. She may know the full story, but she’s not living it, and she doesn’t know Joel. I made the right decision that day, and I need to stand by it.

After finally convincing my mom that I’m okay, I retreat to my bedroom and climb into bed, pulling the covers up over my head in an attempt to block out the world around me. I’m still there hours later in the same position, having dozed in and out. Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t thought of Joel, but seeing him? That hurt more than I ever imagined it would. My heart aches thinking about everything we’ve been through, and yet, as I rehash all the painful memories, I find myself unblocking his number. Deep down I know it will only end badly, but just like my feet moved of their own accord earlier today, I now find my hands doing the same. Staring down at his name on the screen—well, the name I assigned him—I sigh.Joelle. The once playful memories of his nickname now bring a lump to my throat. From the first day we met, I knew there was something about him. I wanted to kick him in the nuts, but at the same time, something was drawing me in. The more he infuriated me, the more I wanted him around. I should have seen my feelings coming. I’m usually more in tune with my emotions. But I didn’t. And those once happy memories have led to so much pain. Some of it his fault, a lot of it mine.

Without giving it any more thought, I type out my first message to Joel in over a year.

Delilah: Hi

My phone lights up with a response before I’ve even released it from my hand, and seeing his name on the screen has my stomach in knots. I almost delete it without reading a word, as all the reasons why this is a bad idea come to mind.

My hand hovers over the button on my screen, and when a second message comes through, I hold my breath. I need to read them. It’s not fair to Joel. I made the first move; I opened the lines of communication, and I’m the one keeping us apart.

I unlock my phone, staring down at the notifications. My eyes haze over, blurring the words, and it’s only when I feel the wetness on my cheeks that I realize I’m crying…again. I honestly thought enough tears had fallen over this. Wiping my eyes, I suck in a breath and read the messages.

Joelle: Hi

Joelle: I’ve missed you

God, I’ve missed you too.Opening his contact details, I change his name. It feels wrong calling him Joelle now when we’re not the same people anymore. I’ve just clicked accept when a new message comes through.

Joel: Sorry. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. Coffee? As friends?

Butterflies swarm my stomach as I contemplate a response. The thought of being friends obviously crossed my mind when I walked over to him today, but now, I’m second-guessing myself. What if he hasn’t moved on and wants more? Something I can’t give him. Or worse, what if he has? The butterflies turn into bees as the sting of that thought consumes me. Am I strong enough to watch Joel in another relationship? To be his friend as he falls in love, gets engaged, married…has kids. I’m getting ahead of myself, but it’s something I’ve thought about often. Watching the man you love with someone else is a special kind of torture. Knowing I’m not ready to make that decision, we text back and forth for a bit over the next few days with me agreeing to meet, then postponing a few times. A nice way of saying I canceled. It’s not until I’ve agreed to a movie at his place with friends that I finally relax a little. Thewith friendsbeing the key point there. He saw right through my reservations and made an offer that was harder to refuse.This will be fine.At least, that’s what I’ll tell myself over and over again until the day arrives.I have to try because cutting Joel from my life completely might very well be worse.

I’m lost in thought as I make my way to class early the next day, when I hear someone calling my name. “Delilah! Wait, please.” I cringe, recognizing the voice, and take a deep breath. Turning slowly, I find Shelby running my way. When she catches up, she wraps me in a hug, and I stiffen. She isnotone of the girls I fixed things with. Pulling back, I stand expressionless, not giving her the satisfaction of knowing how I feel about her. “Shelby?”

“Delilah. I’m so glad I found you. I’ve convinced the coaching staff to give you a second chance. As you know, Rachel’s no longer on the team, and her replacement isn’t up to scratch. They’re thinking of moving her to another sport and will be looking for someone to fill her position. We want it to be you.”

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