Page 64 of Still Here Without You

“What about Joel? I thought you’d decided to forgive him?”

I freeze at her words before covering my face with my hands. I told her about Joel sleeping with someone else. Not in detail but enough that she knew I was hurting. The last thing I want to do now is talk about this, but she needs to know why I’m so certain of my decision.

“I just spoke to him…and…and…Mom, he's having a baby. With Rachel.”

Mom’s silent, prompting me to drop my hands and look into her eyes. I catch a tear falling down her cheek before she looks away and wipes her eyes. Seeing her pain for me has me losing it all over again.

We cry together quietly for a while until all my tears have dried up and I affirm that they will be the last ones I shed over this. I can’t change what’s happened. And it’s not something that can be fixed. Joel and I never even had the chance to begin. He doesn’t need to take on my issues. Yes, we said I love you, but we’re young. There’s plenty of time for him to move on. And move on he should.

“It’s a good thing, Mom. I needed a reason to stay away from him, and now I have one. He wants a family and I can’t give it to him. But Rachel can—she did.”

“Honey, that’s not… I still think you should tell him. He doesn't want Rachel.”

“We’re done, Mom. Joel and I are done. He has no reason to ever know. He’ll be happier this way.”

And his happiness is the only thing I care about.

I’d convinced myself I needed to cool off before speaking to Rachel, but that goes out the window the second I see her text message.

Rachel: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. Like that fixes everything. I dial her number before really thinking it through, and when she answers, the words flow before she’s even said hello.

“Did you know it was him? All the times we’ve spoken since that night, did you know you’d slept with Joel?”

Rachel sighs. “Yes,” she whispers and I see red.

“Yes? Yes! What the hell, Rach? That’s not us. We don’t sleep with each other’s boyfriends. Why’d you lie? Please at least tell me it was a mistake and not something you sought out.”

“I never planned it, Delilah. We were drunk. I was upset about you staying. So was Joel. And it happened. I’m sorry. But we need to get one thing clear. I never slept with your boyfriend. He wasneveryour boyfriend. That was a choiceyoumade.”

What the fuck?

“Are you kidding me with that? You know I’m in love with him. Loved him. You know I loved him.” I’m pacing back and forth, trying to keep my voice down, but she’s making it impossible.

“Like I said, I’m sorry.”

“That’s it. That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“What do you want me to say?” she yells and then lowers her voice. “I’m having a baby with a man who's head over heels in love with my best friend. You’re not the only one having a rough time right now.”

“You’re only half right, Rach. Joel may be in love with me, but you’re no longer my best friend. Plus, Joel and I are done. He’s free to be whatever you want him to be.”

“I didn’t want this to happen.”

“Maybe not, but you sure as hell didn’t stop it. All the best with the pregnancy, Rach. You’re lucky. Joel’s going to be an amazing dad.”

“Delilah, I—”

“I don’t want to hear it. We’re done.”

I hang up before I say something I’ll truly regret and drop back onto my bed in a huff. That could have gone better, but it could have been a lot worse. Her suggesting it was okay because Joel and I weren’t together made it a lot easier to cut ties, that’s for sure. Maybe I should have screamed at her. Let her know how I really feel. She definitely deserves it. But I don’t have the energy for that. I have more important things going on in my life. Sitting for a moment, I wait for the tears to come or the emotion to hit me, but it doesn’t. I feel nothing. Considering how much I’ve lost this last week, I should be an emotional wreck, but instead, I just feel empty and dead inside. I need to get back to work. I need to move on. That part of my life is over and it’s time to forget it.

Mom stays for another week, until Dad arrives for their trip. She barely leaves my side when I’m not at work, seeing right through the mask I’ve put in place to convince everyone I am fine. Once she’s gone, I slowly spiral into what I’m calling hermit mode. At work, I smile and I answer questions when asked, but I never initiate conversations. When my office hours are done, I keep to myself, no longer partaking in any social activities. I was in Paris to be the best damn intern I could be, to prove to myself that coming here hadn’t been a mistake, even though right now, that’s all it appears to be.Four months left.Four months in Paris and then what? I have no idea. The future I’d mapped out for myself is no longer possible. It is time to forge a new path.

Checking the time, I note I still have at least three more hours at my desk. That's the best-case scenario if all goes to plan. With a sigh, I rest my chin on my hand, needing a short break. Ever since my surgery, I’ve found myself needing these little rests to keep me going. I’m not even sure if it’s the pain keeping me awake anymore or Joel. He has a habit of popping into my mind when I’m in a dreamlike state, something I wish I could change. Not to mention the fact that he’s been messaging me daily.

“Why don’t you send him a text?” Rhys says, interrupting my thoughts.

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