Page 63 of Still Here Without You

“It’s so good to hear your voice too. I really needed it today,” Delilah whispers, each word a stab to the heart. This is going to break her.

Taking a deep breath, I say, “I need to tell you something…” while Delilah says, “I got some news,” at the same time. Her tone pulls me up short. I’ve kept up with the fashion gossip. I know her show was a huge success. They’re calling Madison Wills the next big thing in fashion. I have a feeling she’s going to tell me she’s staying over there for longer, and fuck, that just adds to the hurt. Not that she’ll ever want to see me after what I’m about to share.

“Ahh, you go first,” I say, needing to hear her voice for a little bit longer.

“No, no. Please, you go.”Damn.

I feel sick to my core, but it’s now or never.I love you, Delilah.

“Rachel’s pregnant.” Silence. “And the baby is mine.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

Delilah

Ialmostcryoutin pain but stop myself. Instead, I double over, clutching at my chest in silence. I can’t breathe. Struggling to take in air, I move the phone away from my ear and drop my face in my hands. This is all going from bad to worse. Haven’t I been through enough? I somehow manage to control my breathing and roll onto my back, releasing a sigh.

“Not that it makes it okay, but I promise you, I didn’t know,” Joel continues when I don’t speak, his voice just loud enough for me to hear.

Taking a deep breath, I pick up the phone. “Didn’t know what?”

“That it was Rachel.”What?!

His words infuriate me. “So you didn’t know she was my best friend or didn’t know that you’d slept with her?”

Joel sighs but keeps his tone natural. “Both. Neither. I remembered sleeping with someone, obviously, because I told you about it. I just had no idea who. I know who Rachel is, and yes, I was with her that night. But I was dancing with a lot of people, I was drunk, and…fuck! This can’t be happening. Please, Delilah. I didn’t plan this. I made a mistake. I can’t lose you.”

I feel numb. Like every happy part of me just died inside, leaving me with only the shell. Joel’s going to be a dad. Adad. To my best friend's child. She’s giving him something I can’t. The two people I cared most about in the world are going to be parents…together. And I’m nothing. Sitting up straight, I muster as much confidence as possible and do what I have to do.

“You didn’t lose me, Joel,” I say in a steady voice.

Joel releases a held breath and begins to talk, his voice full of hope. “Thank God—”

“No, I don’t think you understand.” I cut him off. “You didn’t lose me because we weren’t together. So nothing changes in that sense. I’ve still got another five months on my extended internship, so by the time I return, you’ll be that much closer to being a father, and far too busy for me. I think it’s best if we just end things now. Whatever this was.”

“Delilah—”

“No, Joel. It happened. I’m not blaming you. I’m not angry. The reality is that we will never work. We can’t work. There’s just too much standing in our way. I wish you every bit of happiness with your…baby; I just can’t be a part of it. Not right now.” I choke back the tears threatening to come out.

“Ever?” he whispers, his voice now laced with hurt. “Del, I love you. I…” His voice cracks and it’s almost my undoing, but I hold strong.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “All I can give you right now is a no.”

“I’m so sorry,” Joel rasps, emotion thick in his voice. It takes everything in my power to hold myself together as I picture the tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry too.”

For the second time, I hang up on Joel and crumple to the ground as I cry out. My body shakes as I’m racked with grief, and a feeling of emptiness comes over me as I mourn everything I’ve lost.

A minute later, I’m pulled into the warmth of my mother’s arms as she joins me on the floor, comforting me with a hug and whispered words. “You’ll be okay. It’s hard now, but we’ll get through this.” She’d already had a European vacation planned when she flew over to be by my side. I’m not sure I would have survived the last week without her. I sit like that in her arms until the tears slow down. When I finally pull away, blinking back the last of the drops in my eyes, I square my shoulders and vow to move on. “I’m staying,” I say, decision made. I’d initially told her I was coming home, but there’s no point now. All that matters is my career, and this is the best place to advance that.

“Delilah, no. I’m canceling our trip. Let’s go home. Please, I want to be there for you.”

“You said so yourself. I’ll be okay. And my career is now the most important thing in my future. I need to focus on that.”

“There are options. There’re always options. You need to talk to someone back home, in America.”

“I will, I promise. As soon as this internship is over, I’ll be on the first flight home, but please, let me do this. I need your support.”

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