Page 62 of Still Here Without You

“What happens now?”

“I want to keep it. If I have to do this without you, I will. But I’m keeping it.”

Now, it’s my turn to reach out for her. “Rachel, this baby is fifty percent mine. I’m here for you. Every step of the way.” I mean it, but as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I feel sick at what that might mean for Delilah and me, though I don’t have time to process anything more because Rachel bursts into tears.

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll figure this out.”I hope.

“Thank you. Delilah always said you were a good guy. Even when she was complaining about you.”

I internally break at the sound of her name. I’m ninety-nine percent sure that this fuckup has ruined any chance I had with Del. Rachel’s her best friend. How can she possibly get past that?

“Thinking about her, aren’t you?” Rachel asks, unable to hide the hurt from her voice.

“Sorry, I have a lot to work through. But one thing you can count on is that I will be there. I love kids. I’ve always wanted kids. Did I want them this young, while I’m still in college? No. But it happened. I’m not going to leave you to do it alone. I want to be a part of my child’s life. I just need time to process it all. And I need to tell Delilah. Fuck! You haven’t told her, have you?”

“I haven’t. I’ll leave that to you. And I get it. Thank you. Delilah will make a great stepmom,” she says sadly, and I bark out an incredulous laugh. She’s right. Delilah is going to make one hell of a mom, natural or step, but as hard as it is to admit this…I don’t think it will be my kids that she mothers. My eyes prick with tears, but I cover it up by coughing and getting up for a drink, distracting myself until Rachel leaves not long after, with the promise that we’ll talk again in a few days. I flop down on the sofa the second she’s gone, and that’s where Dylan finds me minutes, or maybe hours, later. I have no idea—the concept of time is too much to add to my overloaded brain.

“I thought you were heading out tonight?” he asks, dropping onto the beanbag opposite me.

“I was. I just.” I pause, unable to talk about it until I’ve spoken to Del. “Delilah asked if I could call her, and it’s been a while, so I stayed home to do that instead.”

“Nice. And how is she?”

“Um, we haven’t spoken yet.”

Dylan’s lips pull into a frown. He’s not stupid. He can tell I’m not myself. I give my best fake smile and a thumbs-up, hoping it does the trick. It doesn’t. Not even a little bit, but he only frowns, letting me get away with it. “We’ll talk when you’re ready.”

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”

“I’m just gonna change before I head out. Nicole’s picking me up.”

“Ahh, I forgot she’s the latest girl. How’s that going?”

“She’s great,” he says as he gets up, walking toward his room.

“Aren’t they all?” I yell behind him.

“Fuck off,” he says with a snicker.

The doorbell rings while Dylan’s still in his room, so I’m finally forced to get up. Mustering a smile, I pull open the door, coming face to face with Nicole. We’ve known each other since freshman year, but this is the first time I’m seeing her as Dylan’s new girl.

“Hi Joel. It’s been a while.”

“It has,” I agree.

She laughs. “Is Dylan ready? You should come with us.”

“I’d love to, but not tonight. Soon, though.”

“Looking forward to it.” She smiles before looking down the hall toward the bedrooms. Dylan emerges with a smitten smile on his face, and I have to wonder how long this one will last. Who knows…maybe she’s finally the one. Something tells me she’s not, though. When Dyl reaches our side, I say my goodbyes before heading to my room. I can’t put this call off any longer.

Delilah’s phone goes to voicemail once again so I text her, begging her to answer. By the fourth go, I give up, hopeful that she’s just busy and not ignoring me, or worse…on the phone with Rachel. Picking up my books, I attempt to study, but it’s impossible. I try listening to music, but that just makes me feel like shit when one of our songs comes on. Probably could have avoided that by not playing the “Joel and Delilah” playlist we once jokingly created.Idiot.I’m about to succumb to sleep when my phone buzzes and Delilah’s face appears. Seeing her smiling back at me gives me mixed feelings.Fuck, I love her so much. I’m not ready to lose her.When my eyes once again well with tears, I thank my lucky stars that she can’t see me. Taking a deep breath, I answer the phone, my heart beating out of my chest. “Hi, Del.”

“Joel, hi. How are you?” She doesn’t sound like herself, but the fact she called has to mean something, right? Bile rises in my throat at the thought of what I’m about to do to us.

‘Joel, are you there?” she asks when I don’t respond.

“Yes, I’m here. Sorry. Fuck, it’s good to hear your voice.”

---