Page 61 of Still Here Without You

My heart rate spikes, and I struggle to breathe. He moves from plain English to technical jargon, or maybe I just tune him out in my panic. It’s easier to do with the rhythmic sound of his tone. There’s one word, however, that I hear loud and clear, causing my world to come crashing down. “Infertile.”

Mom bursts into tears beside me, but I don’t shed a single one. Instead, emptiness takes over, numbing me as I die inside.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Joel

Pullingmybiketoa stop in our driveway, I kick out the stand, all while staring at the form curled up on the front steps. Rachel rises to her feet as I step off the bike and remove my helmet. When I approach, I can see she’s been crying. I jog the remaining distance, needing to know what’s wrong. “Is it Del? Is she okay?” Panic takes over as I think about the missed call I received and the fact that it’s been six days, and though I’ve tried every day, she hasn’t answered my return call, simply texting that she’ll call soon. I have this awful feeling deep in my gut. Something I can’t explain.

“Of course, you would ask about her. I’m so stupid,” Rachel says between tears, leaving me utterly confused.Isn’t that why she’s crying?My eyebrows pull together as I scan her body. She doesn’t look hurt herself, but something’s clearly wrong.

“What’s going on? If it’s not Delilah, then what is it?”

“I’m pregnant!” she yells, causing me to visibly flinch.Why is she telling me this?Sure we bonded the night at the bar, but—

“It’s yours.”

What!?

“Excuse me?” I huff out a laugh.Is she for real?I think I’d remember sleeping with her. “Um, Rach, I—”

“At the bar.” Sniff. “The bathroom.” Sniff. “That was me.” Sniff.

Holy Shit!I drop to the ground with my face in my hands.This cannot be happening. This isn’t happening. It’s a dream. I never got out of bed this morning. When I open my eyes, Rachel will be gone. I’ll be tucked up tight in my comforter, and Delilah will be on her way home from Paris. All of it. It’s all a dream.

“Joel, say something.”Fuck! Not a dream.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I rasp, just as a horn blares, further highlighting how real this is.

“I only just found out.”

“No, I mean…why didn’t you tell me it wasyou?” I stand again, not really sure what to do with myself.How is this real?

“I was just as embarrassed as you were. Maybe even more so. You ran out of there before you’d even zipped up your jeans. You clearly regretted it. Why would I want to talk to you about it? Plus, at the time, I assumed you knew. It wasn’t until I left the bathroom that I overheard Luke mention you had no idea who it was.”

“Fuck! I’m sorry. I’m not usually such an asshole.”

“I know.” She half smiles.

“So, um…at the risk of sounding like an even bigger ass… Are you sure?” I wince.

“About which part? Whether I’m pregnant, or if it’s yours?”

“Both.” I cringe apologetically, then run a hand through my hair.

She sighs, moving to sit back down. God, I’m an even bigger fucker than I thought. “Come inside. We don’t need to stay out here.”

I gently hold her elbow, like she’s fragile, and guide her inside. Deep down I know she’s not, but I’ve never been in this situation before, so I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

Rachel smiles. “Not as big an asshole as we first thought.” I huff out a laugh, mainly because if I don’t laugh, I’m pretty sure I’m going to cry.

When we’re inside and settled on the sofa, Rachel pulls her legs up, wrapping her arms around them before resting her head on her knees. “I’m sorry to just dump this on you. I went to the doctor this morning and had it confirmed.”

Fuck!My heart wrenches as my head falls to the backrest. Closing my eyes, I try to think of the right thing to say. I’m so stupid. I was drunk. How could this happen?Oh, fuck!

“Shit? Did we…did I not use protection? I’m sorry.”

Rachel’s hand shoots out to grab my arm. “No, you did. We did. I remember. I guess it’s just one of those freak accidents.”That doesn’t really happen, right? Fuck!

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