Page 47 of Still Here Without You

It’s getting dark by the time we arrive at Joel’s, and the night air is much colder than I realized when I step off the bike. I shiver as I remove my helmet, wrapping my arms around myself to wait for Joel.

“I know a way we can warm up,” he jokes, linking our fingers as we walk inside.

“Ooh, do you have a new spa I don’t know about?” I exaggeratedly look around the room, bypassing the kitchen and living room to make my way to the yard.

Joel pulls me to a stop when we’re standing outside his bathroom. “No, but I think I’ve mentioned before that we have a bath?”

I look between him and the open door, pretending to consider it. “You have mentioned it. And it’s tempting…but my answer still remains. Not happening for you.”

He laughs beside me as I release his hand, walk into his bedroom, and plop down on the bed.

“So, you insisted I spend my last evening at your place. What’s the plan?”

Joel’s smile fades a little as he turns away. It’s so slight that someone less in tune with him probably wouldn’t notice. But I seem to notice everything about him. My brows furrow as my lips pull into a frown.

“No plans, just wanted you here.” He turns back to me with his full smile back in place. “Just to make sure my annoying ass was the last one you thought about.”

“Your annoying ass is the only one I think about,” I say, patting the bed beside me.

I expect him to set up a movie, or for us to cook a meal, but neither of those things happen. Instead, Joel orders pizza, and we spend the evening talking. Really talking—about anything and everything. At one point, Dylan arrives home and joins in with our conversation, but otherwise, it’s just us, and it’s the most comfortable I’ve felt in a long time. Joel makes me feel that way, and despite the fact that I’m going to miss the hell out of him, I feel more confident going to Paris now that he’s in my life.

We’re standing in the kitchen when the conversation naturally comes to an end. I can’t fight the yawning anymore, and even Joel’s looking a little tired. He’s silent for a beat and then steps forward, running his fingers up and down my arm, watching the path they take. It’s almost like he’s committing the feeling to memory. When he gets to my fingers, he entwines our hands and squeezes before letting go. I need to walk away, but I’m having trouble concentrating on anything apart from his touch.

“I should go,” I say as he takes a step closer, pressing his forehead to mine.

“I know,” he rasps, the emotion clear in his voice. His fingers brush with mine again, and it causes a spark to run through me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I will myself to get through this, to focus on what needs to be done.

“I have to be up in a few hours,” I whisper but make no move to leave.

“I know,” he says again, hooking my pinky with his.

“Joel—”

“I can’t let go, Del.”Oh, God.

Tears pool in my eyes as I shake my head, unable to answer.

“I don’t…I can’t…fuck!” He’s whispering now, but the pain in his voice is still clear as day, and he’s breaking my heart with every word. I don’t know what to say either, but fuck seems like the best option.

I bite down on my bottom lip in a poor attempt at shifting my focus, but it doesn’t work. Joel ever so slowly shakes his head, the movement causing mine to move along with him. A lump forms in my throat as I prepare to step back.

As if sensing my retreat, Joel reaches up and palms my neck, then moves his hand into my hair, keeping me in place.

“Not yet. I’m not ready.”

I suck in a sharp breath as the first tear falls, and when Joel sniffs back his own tears, there’s no hope of stopping them.

Pulling back, I turn away, unable to be here any longer. I’ve barely taken two steps when Joel grips my hand.

“Wait! I can’t let you leave without this.” He tugs me back until I’m flush against him and then crashes his lips to mine. Our tongues move together as we kiss through the tears, hands clutching at each other like a lifeline.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know this is dangerous, that it’s going to make leaving even harder, but I can’t bring myself to stop it.

Joel’s hands move into my hair, just as they did before, only this time his movements seem more frantic. He tilts my head to deepen the kiss, slowly walking me backward toward his room.

I know what this means, but I let the inevitable happen, unable to make myself stop it.

---