Page 43 of Still Here Without You

“Don’t tell me that you don’t feel the same, because I know you do,” he says, and I want to say yes, but I can’t. “I’m not stupid,” he continues. “I can see it. I can feel it.”

Tears prick my eyes because he’s right. I feel exactly the same.

“Joel. It’s too late. It doesn’t matter how I feel. Don’t make me choose. Please.” I sniff while wiping the tears away, watching as his face shatters. I need to leave. This is breaking us both.

“Del, I—”

“I need to go. I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.” I push him away, close the door, and put the car back into reverse, trying not to look at his expression as I drive away. I manage to hold back the tears from falling just long enough to exit Joel’s street, and then the drops start.Why did this have to happen?I’m in love for the first time, he loves me back, and yet…he loves me? I just drove away from Joel when he said he loves me.Oh, God. I pull off the main road, easing the car to a stop just as the floodgates open. Burying my face in my hands as it all comes pouring out, I think about having to say goodbye to the first person I’ve ever loved. It’s only six months. It’s not that long, but it’s in Paris, and it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I can’t be distracted thinking about what’s going on back here. I just can’t—

The warmth of the car disappears as the driver's door is pulled open, and I’m being engulfed in strong, protective arms. Exactly where I need to be. The place I’m going to miss most.Joel.I snuggle as close as physically possible and breathe him in, letting the tears fall. I didn't even hear his bike.

“Fuck, Del. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I want you to go. I want you to be amazing. To follow your dreams. I just…Fuck!” He squeezes me tighter, rocking me back and forth as I cry. “I’m so sorry. It’s only six months. I was being selfish. I’ll wait. I can wait. I love you, Del. I’ll be here for you, cheering you on.”

Joel saying he loves me for the second time fills my chest with something I’ve never felt before. It feels tight, while also feeling the lightest it’s ever been. I pull back slightly, looking up into his beautiful chocolate eyes. “This is the worst timing ever”—I sniff, wiping under my eyes while taking a deep breath—“but I love you too.”

Joel's face lights up with a glorious smile as he grabs my cheeks in his hands, smothering me in a bruising kiss before pushing his tongue inside my mouth.

We continue like that for what feels like hours, molding ourselves to each other, trying to forget our truth. When we finally pull apart, Joel rests his forehead to mine and sighs. “I really am sorry, Del. I panicked. I don’t even know why I said it. I want you to go. I-”

“I know,” I say, pressing my finger to his lips. “I understand. I’d be lying if I said that staying hasn’t crossed my mind. But I need to do this. It’s important.”

“I know. But fuck, I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too. I just…”

“You think we should keep things the way they are now.”

“I do.”

Joel sighs, looking somewhat defeated. “I want to say you’re wrong. That we should be together. But I get it. I do. Doesn’t mean I like it.”

“I’m still going to think of you all the time. But starting a new relationship, long-distance…”

“It’s a lot and has the potential to be a disaster.”

“Exactly.” I nod in relief. “So, what happens now?”

“Now, I prepare myself for the worst six months of my life.”

I can’t help but giggle at his dramatics as a weight lifts from my chest. It’s nice to be back to our joking selves.

“It’s not funny. I don’t like the feeling of being…here without you,” he says, scratching his head.

I laugh at his pause and choice of words. “Here without you? Have I told you I love that song? Now would be the perfect time to show me those so-called singing skills you keep bragging about.”

Joel tries to hide his grin, but it shines through bit by bit until he’s beaming at me. He shakes his head and huffs out a laugh. “Fuck, I’m going to miss that smart mouth.”

“Oh, don’t worry. My smart mouth is just a phone call away.”

I expect him to laugh at my comment, but it sobers him up again. “Phone calls suck.”

“We can video call,” I say, even though I know it’s going to be hard to get the timing to sync up.

“I know. It’s just not the same.”

My face falls. “I’m sorry.”

Joel cups my shoulders, looking me in the eye. “No, Del. You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m so fucking proud of you. I can’t wait to hear about your amazing adventures.”

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