Page 36 of Still Here Without You

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because I thought it would be nice to throw you a going away party, but Joel said you wouldn’t want that. And even though he’s usually right about everything–don’t tell him I said that.” He looks at me pointedly, and I laugh. “Even though…I wanted to hear it from you.”

I cringe before giving him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, but he’s right again. I just want to disappear quietly, without a fuss.”

“Damn. Okay, pretend I never asked.”

I reach out and squeeze his shoulder with a smile. “You’re a good guy, Dylan. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“Thanks, but now Ihaveto tell Joel we spoke so I can rub it in that you said that.”

A laugh escapes me, and it’s the lightest I’ve felt all day. I’m going to miss them both when I go. No matter how hard I try, those two goofballs are too good to forget that easily.

“He’s going to miss you too,” Dylan says, interrupting my thoughts.Huh?

His lips rise in a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay to miss him. Go and enjoy Paris. Live those six months to the fullest. I have a feeling Joel will still be here when you return.”

Fuck!

“I don’t want that. Please don’t say that.” I don’t want him to wait. It was supposed to be casual. A bit of fun. Yes, I may have developed a few tiny feelings for him, but that’s okay. I have afewfeelings for about fifty different book boyfriends, and some I actually have lots of feelings for…Dr. Stanton, anyone? But I still get on with life. I need this to be a clean slate. I need to go to Paris and not be thinking constantly about Joel.

“What are you scared of?” Dylan asks curiously.

“I need to focus. My life and thoughts need to stay in Paris.”

“I get that, I do. All I’m saying is…don’t be surprised if he’s still here.”

Ugh! That's not helpful. “Thanks, Dylan. I better get to class.”

“Sure, yeah. I’ll see you over the weekend.” He waves as I start to move away.

“Bye, Dylan.”

Thoroughly confused, I walk to class and drop down to my usual seat with a sigh, thankful to find Rachel already sitting in her spot beside me. “Oh, Rach. Life is a mess.” Maybe I need to see him outside of us sleeping together to sort these feelings out.

Chapter Fourteen

Delilah

Saturdaymorningrollsaround,and instead of waiting for the girls to message about our night out, where I know I’ll see Joel, I do the unthinkable. I ask him out. Sort of.

Delilah: I’m heading to the Christmas display in the city today. Want to come?

The three dots appear seconds after I’ve pressed send, and the butterflies start to swirl inside me. Even though what I’ve asked is casual, and something friends would do all the time, I know this is going to end badly. I just need to figure out what’s going on in my head. To prove to myself that it’s just lust and sexual attraction that’s got me thinking about him all the time.Maybe. When Joel’s response comes through, I bite back a laugh.

Joelle: Are you asking me out?

Delilah: Absolutely not. Just answer the question

This is why I think seeing him today will help. Because ninety percent of the time he drives me insane. Unfortunately, it’s that last ten percent that has me in knots. It’s that part of me that’s getting dangerously close to feeling more than I should. I need him to be his annoying self today.

Joelle: I’ll pick you up at eleven

Sinking back onto my bed, I sigh. Whether I’ve made the right decision or not is yet to be determined, but now that it’s out there, I feel relieved. And a little excited. Christmas kind of snuck up on me with everything going on. If nothing else, It will be good to actually do something to celebrate the holiday I love so much.

After an uneventful trip into the city, Joel and I are quiet as we walk toward Macy’s holiday windows. It’s ridiculously busy—not that I expected otherwise—and with so much going on around us, it’s easy to just take in the sights in comfortable silence.

When we’ve almost reached our destination, a little boy dashes past me, propelling me into Joel. “It’s my turn,” he screams as he runs away, not even realizing the destruction he’s caused in his wake. Joel catches me and laughs, breaking our wordless moment.

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