Page 12 of Still Here Without You

“Wow! Thank you, Courtney. I really appreciate it. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. It was a great pitch. You should be proud of it. We’ll be in touch either way.”

“Thank you,” I repeat with a smile before we both say goodbye and hang up.

When I turn around, Joel’s leaning back in his chair with one leg up on the other, his ankle resting on his knee. He raises an eyebrow when our eyes meet and then smiles.

“Congratulations. Top ten is pretty amazing. What have you made the top ten for?”Ah shit. Though I hadn’t yet come up with an explanation for the phone call, the truth definitely wasn’t it. Pulling at a loose thread on my top, I look up at Joel, just as it breaks. “Ahh, you heard that?” I ask, flinching before tensing up.

Joel’s eyes flash between where my hand is still playing with my clothes and my eyes, before shaking his head. “Difficult not to when you have your phone speaker set to ‘I’m hard of hearing’ mode.”

“It’s not that loud. You were just intently listening in.”

“Maybe?” He shrugs, not even bothering to deny it. “So, what was it?”

“Ahh well, here goes…” I take a deep breath and prepare to share something I haven’t talked to anyone about. “I’m in the top ten for an internship I applied for last month,” I blurt, and then my whole body relaxes.Huh. That was easier than I thought, and it feels good to get it off my chest. But also, why did I tell Joel? I could have lied. He doesn’t know me. And yet, I wanted to tell him. It’s like he has this secret power to get people to spill. I think it’s in his gaze. Or maybe it’s that force field. Whatever it is, he’s doing it now. He staring at me with a puzzled expression and I can see his mind working, like he’s trying to decide if I’m telling the truth.

“Why does it feel like you’ve just shared your deepest, darkest secret? It’s great news. Why are you hiding it?”

Dammit! Why is he so intuitive?I sigh and bite my lip. I’m about to answer when I notice his eyes move to my mouth for a brief moment before darting back up to my eyes. My pulse spikes at the small movement, but I ignore it. “I guess because it feels like a deep, dark secret. If I get it, I have to juggle a lot of balls in the air—college, cheer, the internship—so I haven’t exactly told anyone about it. In case they don’t think I can handle it.”

“That must be hard. This is something you should be celebrating. I imagine the fashion industry is pretty competitive. Top ten is a big deal. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide it. You should be screaming it from the rooftops.”

His words jar me, and it takes a moment for me to reconcile them in my head. He’s right. I know he’s right but…

“Thank you. I wasn’t expecting you to say that. I thought—”

“That I’d tease you somehow? I wanted to but decided to be straight for once.”

“Thank you.”

“But I will add that it’s a huge boost to my ego that I’m the first person you’ve told. Huge!” He mimes his head growing and winks before going back to a straight face. A laugh bursts from my chest, and I stop short of reaching over to hug him.What the hell?

“So what does the internship entail?” Joel asks as he leans forward in his chair, elbows on his knees, giving me his full attention. The spotlight makes me a little uncomfortable. It’s not something I’m used to. Yes, I’m a cheerleader and yes, I perform all the time, but the attention isn’t solely on me.

Right now, I feel stripped bare. Nervous that he’s waiting to judge my answer. Like he’s trying to catch me in a lie or use something I say against me. It’s a dark place to go considering all he did was ask me a simple question. I’m not used to having someone’s intense gaze on me, especially someone who seems to have this insane ability to read people. It's been impossible not to notice Joel’s charisma and the fact that he adapts so easily to the energy in a room. It’s frightening and intriguing at the same time, and I’m not sure I like it at all.

Joel clears his throat, reminding me that I’ve yet to answer, so I sit up straighter in my chair and deliver the spiel I have prepared for this very question. “It’s a junior design position at a boutique in the city. They’re owned by a fashion house in London and Paris, so even though they’re relatively small here in the US, there’s potential for some great exposure. It would definitely be beneficial to my career and—”

“Del?” Joel says, reaching out to still my shaking hand. “It sounds like an incredible opportunity. Something that could set you up for the future. You don’t need to try and convince me of that. You’re shaking. What’s going on?”

My entire body heats at his touch, and I shiver at his words. If I thought his gaze was intense before, it’s nothing compared to now. I’ve always been confident as long as I’m not put under a microscope, and that’s exactly what this feels like.

Joel’s alarm goes off on his phone. Another running joke we have to signal the end of the session.

I pull my hand free and stand up quickly, shoving my books into my bag. “Well, time’s up. I know you’re a busy man.”

“Del?” I can hear the concern in his voice, but I ignore it.

“I’ll see you for another session before the test, right? Does the timing still work?”

“Of course, but Del…” Joel stands and takes a tentative step toward me like he’s afraid to frighten a lost animal. I instinctively step backward, though I’m not sure why.

“Thank you again for the help. I’ll see you soon.”

I turn and dash out of the room without waiting for a response. Walking quickly through the library, I try not to draw attention to myself and release a held breath the second I push through the doors.

I want this internship more than anything, but the thought of it, and the concern that it might not fit with my schedule, has me up at night, and I know that one look from Joel will have me spilling everything. I’m not ready for that reality.

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