Page 112 of Still Here Without You

“Joel, I’m sorry. God, I shouldn’t have come.” Pulling myself from him, easily this time, I rush toward the door.

“I know everything, Del,” he calls out just as I reach the threshold. His words pin me in place, but I don’t look back. “That secret you think you’re hiding to protect me. I know it, and I don’t care.”

My heart thunders in my chest as my pulse spikes. “What?” I rasp, struggling to get the word out. I turn to face him and stare in disbelief, not sure I understand what he’s saying.

“Del, I need you to listen to me.”

I nod, but my mind is so jumbled, I’m not sure I’ll really be able to hear him.

Wincing, Joel maneuvers himself until he’s sitting. The obvious pain he’s feeling has me moving to his side, looking him all over. I gently place my hand on his chest, biting the inside of my cheek to hold back more tears. Joel lightly grabs my chin in his thumb and pointer finger, raising my face until our eyes meet. While there’s a softness to his grip, there’s no doubt in my mind that all that would change if I tried to look away. Like always, he knows exactly what I’m thinking.

“No, Del. You have to pay attention. Really listen.”

His voice cracks at the end, pulling me from my thoughts, so I nod again and smile.

“I know what happened in Paris, Del. What it means for you. What youthinkit means for me. And I don’t care.”

Is that why he crashed? Was he upset while he was riding? He’s clearly not thinking straight because if he was, he wouldn’t be so blasé about it. I didn’t tell him because I knew he’d say this. He’d say it’s okay without really thinking it through. “Joel, you don’t know what you’re saying. This is not something you just—”

“I’ve known forweeks, Del.”

What?

“I’ve known for weeks, and I still want a life with you. I’ve been through the emotions that come with accepting this news, and I can guarantee that I know what I’m feeling.”

“Joel, I’m sorry. You don’t need toacceptthis news. You don’t have to take it on.”

“God, you really have no idea, do you? Not once since I read those words did I think about walking away. At first, I cried over what you were going through, knowing the pain I’d caused you and that I wasn’t there for you during that time. Then I was angry, angry that you took the choice away from me. Angry that you never trusted me enough to tell me. And angry that you were hurting. And then, I laughed. I laughed hysterically because all of our pain could have been avoided withoneconversation.”

“I know I should have told you but—”

“No, Del.Ishould have toldyousomething.”

Huh?None of this is going the way I always played it out in my mind.

“Wha—”

“I was adopted, Del. My mom adopted me as a baby after her best friend, my biological mother, died during childbirth. Then she met my dad when I was two. My parents aren’t my blood. You are thelove of my life, and I never told you that. Want to know why?”

I stare at him in shock but somehow manage to nod.

“Because it doesn’t matter. They’re my parents. Mom and Dad. I’ve never once thought they were different from anyone else’s parents. Blood doesn’t matter to me. Do I want kids? Sure. But, Delilah…” He pauses until his silence makes me focus, to look into his soul instead of just his eyes. I give him the slightest nod to show him I’m there. That I’m really listening. “I don’t want children with anyone else. If it’s a choice between having you by my side for the rest of my life or kids of my own flesh and blood, I chooseyou. It will always be you. Every. Single. Time. We have other options for a family. But there’s only oneyou.”

My eyes bounce between his, looking for anything that might tell me he’s lying. When I see the depth of his soul staring back at me, begging me to trust him, my heart stops. I don’t know why I thought I could live without this man. Hell, I wasn’t living. My heart wrenches in my chest, and I struggle to take in air as the tears start falling again. As soon as the first tear hits my cheek, the reality of the secret I’ve been keeping finally sinks in. A wail rips from my chest. Joel’s not the only one who’s been affected by all of this. I’ve been so focused on his feelings, I never processed mine.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” My mind plays the words on repeat, and I can’t be sure if I’m saying them out loud or only thinking them. I’m also not sure who I’m saying them to.I’m sorry. I’m sorry.I’m aware that I’m shaking my head, but I can’t stop it. What have I done? All this time we could have been together, working through this together, and I held back, thinking I was doing the right thing. My body convulses as I begin hysterically sobbing. We’ve lost so much time.

“Please, don’t cry,” Joel says, wiping his thumb gently across my face where the tears fall, bringing the focus back to him once more.

“I’m so sorry, Joel. I…I—”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I may not have liked how you went about it, but I know you thought you were doing the right thing.”

“I’ve been so awful. Why didn’t you just tell me you knew?”

“I wanted you to see I wasn’t going anywhere. To trust me again. I wanted the old Delilah back. And I hoped that maybe in time you’d tell me. I thought about telling you all the time, but then I saw you with Marky Mark, and I realized that maybe I was too late. I was going to bow out. I was. But when I woke up here and needed you by my side, I decided I don’t care. I’m going to fight for you. Life’s too short. So tell Marky Mark to bring his A game because I’m not giving up. We belong together. I know it. You know it. He might be a hot businessman, but I—”

I burst out laughing through the tears.

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