Page 111 of Still Here Without You

“Thanks, Lainey.”

Joel’s gaze moves back to me before Lainey’s even left the room and he frowns.

We hear voices in the hallway and then Summer walks in, smiling at the two of us. “How are you feeling, jackass?”

Joel laughs. “I’ve been better, but I’ve also been worse.” My eyes shoot to his, wondering what else he’s been through in his life. “For example, the pain when I first woke up was excruciating.”

“I’m all for a hot guy on a bike, but please tell me you’re done with it now. I don’t think I can go through that again.” Summer turns to me then with a sympathetic smile, her eyes warm with understanding. “I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now. I’m sorry I only texted. I should have called but…” She trails off, shaking her head. I offer her a polite smile as I contemplate how to respond—she doesn’t owe me any explanation—but Joel gets in before I can answer.

“I’m keeping the bike. I’m fine. Now, where’s Dylan? He texted to say he’d bring me chocolate when his flight gets in.”

“I’m here,” Dylan says, rushing in with a large bag over his shoulder. I subtly try to pull out of Joel’s grasp, intent on giving him time with his friends, but he locks me in a tighter hold. Dylan moves to Summer’s side and pulls her into a hug. “Sorry I’m late, but Ididhave to fly to be by your side. Lucky I hadn’t even left Denver airport yet or it would have been longer,” he says to Joel with a laugh before turning our way. “Hey, Del, you’ll probably give me an honest answer. How’s dickhead really doing?” he says, nodding his head at Joel.

“The dickhead is fine,” Joel says with an eye roll. “In fact, I’m so good you can all leave.”

I try to move away again, and this time Joel pulls me closer and readjusts his grip. Dylan’s eyes flash to Joel's hand on my wrist, and he smiles. “Gotcha. We’ll get out of your hair for a bit, but we’ll be back later.”

He throws the chocolate onto the bed as Summer walks over and kisses Joel’s temple. “Listen to the nurses and let them know if the pain increases.”

“Yes, Mom,” he jokes, squeezing Summer’s hand before she walks away. Dylan nods and follows her out, leaving us alone. Joel lets go of my wrist to rub his thumb where his fingers just vacated and sighs. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I couldn’t let you go. We need to talk.”

The four words everyone loves to hear.

“Okay, let’s talk. First up on the agenda…how badly are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, Del. I told you—”

“How badly?”

“I’m alive…” He pauses until I give him a pointed look. “But it was a close call.” He moves the bedsheet down and pulls the hospital gown away from his chest, cringing as he does. He’s bandaged all the way around his middle, the white material running straight across his heart. I gasp as my hand flies to my mouth, and tears prick my eyes.

“A piece of shrapnel narrowly missed the important bits.” Joel pulls my hands away from my face, giving me a small smile as he does. “But it missed, Del. Itmissed.”

The tears start falling then, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. I hide my face in my elbow on the bed as I cry for Joel. For everything we’ve been through together, for the hurt we've been through apart. I cry for the little girl he thought he had but didn’t. I cry for the little girl I may never have. I cry because I love Joel so much that I need to let him go, and I cry because I almost lost him. When the tears finally start to dry up, I notice that Joel’s softly running his fingers through my hair, and when the last tear falls and I’m silent, I hear the most amazing sound.

Joel’s softly singing “Here Without You,” by Three Doors Down, and his voice brings me to tears once more. Lifting my head slowly, I wipe under my eyes before locking them with his. He doesn’t stop singing. Instead, he sings as he stares directly into my eyes, pouring his heart out with the words. The fact that he chose that song to sing makes it impossible to escape the guilt that swirls inside me, but I try to focus on the raspiness of his voice and the way it penetrates my soul.

He finishes the chorus and then smiles shyly, almost like he’s embarrassed for my reaction. I shake my head in awe as my lips pull into a grin. “Totally worth the wait.”

Joel barks out a laugh, clearly not expecting that response, then flinches again, his hand rising to his chest before he quickly moves it away.

“Ask me if my life flashed before my eyes?” he says, changing the subject and catching me off guard. His words have me scanning the room again, taking in the beeping of the monitor once more. I repeat his question as I try to work out what the numbers mean on the screen. Anything to distract me from what his answer means.

“It did,” Joel rasps after a moment, and my gaze snaps back to him so quickly, I practically get whiplash.

“It did? Wow! I thought people made that up.”

“Nope. Now, ask me what I saw.”

I look away again, awkwardly. “I can probably guess. You had a big-ass property with a dirt bike track and—”

“Delilah,askme,” he says softly, but there’s definite demand in his tone. Grabbing my elbow, he commands my attention, leaving me no choice but to do as he asked.

I swallow a lump in my throat at the change of energy in the room and then take a deep breath. Looking deep into his eyes, I ask, “What did you see?”

“You. And only you.”

My breath hitches, and I almost fall forward as different emotions hit me at once. I want that to be true so badly, and yet…it can’t be.

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