Page 48 of Fall Twice

I nod in understanding before getting on with the day, with a secret hope that I’ll run into Lena again.

16

REID

Aweek later, I’m lying awake and burning some patchouli incense while I listen to music. But I can’t resist, and I call Lena. I wait for her to pick up as I pace my living room and stop in front of a plant to study the leaves.

“Hey.” She sounds tired.

“Hey… sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, it’s okay. I had a long day, so as soon as Oscar went to bed, I took a bath and I’m now binging a show in bed,” she explains.

I turn my head away from the phone and bite my fist because the image is playing in my head. It takes all my power not to ask what she’s wearing.

Clearing my throat, I remember I called her for a reason. “I just wanted to check if you’re around for Thanksgiving. I’m not sure in our current state if this is allowed, but I’m not heading to my parents’, and Johnny has a big dinner if you have no plans.”

“That’s… nice of you to offer, but Oscar is going to Sean’s parents’, and a colleague invited me to dinner in the city.”

“Right. Good. I mean, sounds like you have plans.”

She scoffs a sound on the other end. “Is that really why you called?”

I let down my defenses. “No. Truthfully, I wanted to hear your voice, and I know asking you to turn on the video chat would land me in the doghouse.”

“Only if I’m wearing my short black nightdress.”

My brows raise. “I’m not allowed to ask if you are, am I?”

I can hear her smile by the change of her breath. “Is there something else?”

“I hate this,” I admit. “Not having you next to me in bed, even if it’s for a moment, talking with you over coffee, sending messages about ridiculous things. I’m not avoiding you, I’m avoiding the answer, because I don’t have it in me to hurt you twice in this lifetime.” Quickly I realize that she may take it the wrong way. “Shit.” I pinch the bridge of my nose between my fingers. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to be with you, I just know this time it’s different, and I won’t give you an answer until I know I can fully commit.”

“Maybe you never will, Reid. I think I’m going to hang up. This conversation isn’t helping anyone, and I need to get up early. Good night.”

She hangs up before I can explain further.

I groan and collapse onto my sofa, and immediately the memory of her laughing in my arms after breakfast on this very couch comes to me.

I’ve never overthought something so much, but then, as I stare at the ceiling, it dawns on me that I’ve been wallowing for too long. Especially when it isn’t a situation at all, it’s fate throwing me a wild card or a gift because the answer has been with me all this time. Buried deep, but it was there.

It’s clear as day what has me afraid to give an answer.

The full commitment.

I’m taking my time because I know a commitment with Lena is probably the last one I’ll make in my life because there will be nobody else. She’s the one.

The next day,I find myself at Lena’s house, sitting on a step waiting for her.

I remember that Oscar was going to his grandparents’, and Lena was going to a colleague’s for dinner. And thank the fuck for American football and planning Thanksgiving dinner around the football schedule, which means everyone eats early in the day. Because it’s seven pm and I’m waiting for Lena to walk up the path. The moment she does, she stalls when she approaches me, unsure why I’m here.

“Have a nice Thanksgiving?” I wonder.

She shrugs a shoulder up to her ear. “It was nice… just not the same as most years. You?”

“I was with Johnny and his family. It was… just missing someone.” I stand and debate if I should just jump in. “This isn’t how either one of us should be celebrating your favorite holiday, I guess.” I step closer, and I don’t let her speak because my pulse is in my ears, and I need to get this out. “I have a theory.”

“Reid, what are you doing here?” She looks around as if this is some prank, before crossing her arms to keep warm because it’s freezing out. The streetlight highlights our faces, which gives her a warm glow, and even I can see her eyes glazed with hope.

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