Page 1 of Fall Twice

1

LENA

My thumb lingers over the search bar. I’m debating if I should type the letters that will fulfill my curiosity.

Shaking my head, I decide against it and toss my phone to the side and flop on the bed as I blow out a long breath. Leaning to the side table, I grab my wine glass and the bottle to pour another dose of the crisp white liquid. It pairs well with my outfit, as I’m sitting here with my long brown hair in a messy bun, yoga pants, and a t-shirt that says,Hold on. Let me overthink this. I think it’s pretty fitting to my current situation.

Because that’s what I, Lena Gold, do on a daily basis. Overthink.

This is not exactly how I thought my life would pan out at age thirty-two.

It was supposed to be a life of marriage, kids, and hopefully a dog behind a white picket fence. But somewhere over the years, the dream in my grasp slowly trickled through my fingers. The marriage is now over, our calendars are now synchronized to plan when we each get to see our son, and here I am moving halfway across the country.

Oscar, my six-year-old son, is with his father for the next week while I sort out finding a house and other logistics for our move to a new town. Sighing, I realize how lucky I am that the divorce was… peaceful.

We have good communication and continue life the way we were married, as friends. That’s what happened. Something was missing and only that. We were a good team otherwise, more like glorified roommates than lovers. Now, Sean is soon moving to Tokyo for a six-month assignment to further his career, and I’m moving to Hollows, Illinois, the place where I have a shiny new job nearby.

Bye-bye, Maryland.

After a decent sip of Chardonnay, I swap the drink for my phone again. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s my subconscious giving me a nudge. Quickly, I check that my flight to Chicago tomorrow is still on schedule before I hop onto social media to scroll through friends’ feeds, filled with avocado toasts, island holidays, first birthdays, and an adorable puppy playing in the changing September leaves. Damn, to think there was a time in my life when social media wasn’t even a thing.

I stop scrolling when I come across a guy who I once went on two dates with. I scoff a laugh because yikes, that was a disaster. I was twenty and clueless. Why are we still connected via social channels?

Because I believe that unless they are a cheater, did something awful, or were simply born an ass, then we didn’t work out for a reason. And because of that, it led me to other paths, and those roads led me to the guy I married, and that guy and I created the best kid in the universe. Everything led me to my son. And yes, it’s a cliché, but the moment he was placed in my arms then it all made sense.

This is why I find myself staring at another ex’s post on my feed—my first real boyfriend when I was sixteen—and he’s holding his newborn child. See? We weren’t meant to be, and because of that, he is now with his wife of eight years and has three kids. It’s not that crazy. It’s not like we message on a weekly or even yearly basis. It’s more that we monitor one another’s lives at random times.

I tilt my head to the side as I contemplate if this really is a good idea, running down the list of exes.

But what the hell, right?

Scrolling, I stop on the lawyer I dated when I was twenty-four, and I’m relieved it didn’t work out, as he is now traveling the world, and it looks like commitment hasn’t crossed his mind. Or at least his photo of scuba diving gives me that vibe.

Then there is the guitar guy who I had a summer fling with once. Based on his likes and photos of warrior poses, then my guess is he seems to be one of those yoga guru types of people now.

My thumb begins to type a name in the search bar, but I stall.

I’ve been doing this all night. Because there is one name that still causes a blip inside of me.

The guy that throughout the years, at random times, we would send aheyorhappy holidays,and I don’t think it was just to be polite either, it was pure genuine curiosity. Reid must be married now, or at least last time we messaged he was engaged.

It was surprising when my friend, Annie, mentioned she heard a rumor that Reid was in Chicago, and that’s how I ended up with my thumb dancing in a waltz with the internet search bar for the last few hours.

I finally hit enter and Reid Stone pops up on my screen. He hasn’t updated his profile in alongtime. But make no mistake, that photo from two years ago is 100% Reid. Brown hair relatively short but with a wave, and brown eyes that hold you with a glance, and now he is sporting a stubbled sharp jawline, with his smile still easy and naturally warming with a dose of sin. I see he hasn’t ditched the casual blazers either.

Biting my bottom lip, I feel my eyebrow raise when I see that he’s living in Hollows. The place where I am moving to. Of all the Chicago suburb options, he ended up there.

My entire body straightens from surprise. Up until earlier today, the last I heard he was teaching in Georgia at some small liberal arts college. I sink back onto my pillows when I remind myself that he’s married and our fling in college was just that, nothing more.

I bet he’s doing well in life. But what a coincidence, an odd chance.

Opening my chat history, I see our last interaction was a few years ago when he congratulated me on my son’s third birthday because I had posted a photo. It was a short message

Congrats on the b-day, he looks cute. You look happy.

To which I replied,Thanks, hope you are well. I see you’re engaged, happy you found someone.

Internally I’m impressed someone managed to tie him down, and I mean that figuratively and in the completely inappropriate literal way. Debating for only a second, I remind myself of my solid philosophy. Every road led me to my son. It all happened for a reason. This is exactly why I type out a message and hit send.

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