Page 85 of Begin Again Again

“You mean you wrote down whose turn it was to drive because he was one of those guys who expected the misso to do it and you wanted evidence to argue against him.”

Beth laughed. “You’re right. Although, my feminist solution never went further than getting too pissed to take the wheel first.”

“Your ex was a cockhead.”

She smiled. “Yeah, but I wasn’t my best self when I was with him either. I always wanted more than he could give and instead of accepting it, I just… pushed.”

Byron nodded.

“Heat Waves” by Glass Animals came on and Beth wished Byron was holding her hand. She was too scared to take it as she once had. The stakes seemed so much higher now. They bypassed the accident and surged back to a hundred kilometres an hour.

“So, this accident,” Byron said, his gaze on the road. “What happened?”

“We were at a mate’s birthday party. I was drunk and for the first time ever, Stephen pulled one on me.”

“‘Pulled one on you?’”

“I could always tell when he ‘forgot’ to stop at two drinks. I’d make him wait a few hours or pay for an Uber but that night, I didn’t notice. It was late when we left, like, three in the morning, and it was raining…”

And then Beth was back in the car in her sparkly red dress, watching the sloping blue-grey mountainside go by. Stephen swearing and fumbling with the air-conditioner as the windshield misted over…

“You crashed?”

She blinked. “Yeah, lost traction and hit the barrier on the hillside. We stuck, which was good. If we didn’t, we could have slid back onto the road and…”

She couldn’t finish. Her mouth had gone coppery. She swallowed hard.

“NZ’s hilly, isn’t it?” Byron asked.

“Yeah, heaps.” Beth was sliding into the hillside again, the rain turning the windshield into static. She shuddered. “I still dream about it sometimes.”

“The crash?”

“No, how it felt to be sliding, not able to stop or get out…”

There was a hardness to Byron’s jaw she hadn’t seen before. “Did someone come and get you?”

“Nah, Stephen wouldn’t let me call the cops and there were no towing places open. We left my car stuck by the road and walked back up the hill to the party.” Beth remembered the look on Stephen’s face as they trudged up the hill in their sodden clothes. “He was so angry at me. I have no idea why, but he was.”

“That’s fucking disgusting.” For the first time, she heard anger vibrating in Byron’s voice.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m fine.”

He took her hand. “Sorry.”

She squeezed his fingers and blurted out the rest. “I quit drinking for good that night. I’d been playing around with it for a while, but after Stephen fucked my car, I was done.”

“It wasn’t your fault he lied and got behind the wheel.”

“I know, but if I wasn’t drunk, I would have noticed he was. I could have driven myself.”

Byron looked like he was going to say something but didn’t. The traffic around them thinned as their surroundings grew greener. Byron shifted in his seat. “Do you miss drinking?”

“Yes, but no.” Beth drew her lips into her mouth then released them. “I think I miss…believingin alcohol. Thinking it made me more fun and I’d have a better time when I was pissed. It was nice to think I had something in my back pocket wherever I went.”

“What were you like drunk?”

“Total loose cannon.”

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