Page 82 of Begin Again Again

“You should definitely be honest.”

She was tugging her bottom lip. She released it. “I guess… why didn’t you message for ten days?”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Byron drum the steering wheel a little faster. “Was it ten days?”

“Ah, yes…?” Beth said, fighting to keep the accusation out of her voice.

“Oh. Well, I’m not big into messages. I’ve been thinking about you though.”

“Flattery.”

“Nah, I mean it.” He flashed her a beautiful smile. “I’m always going to message you, Horoscopes.”

Part of Beth wanted to call him out for his cunty boy logic, but her heart was swelling, a goofy smile spreading across her face. She believed him and shelikedthat she believed him.

Byron pressed the button and the song changed to “Luci” by Recess Radio.

“Is this a playlist?” Beth asked.

“My driving one, yeah.”

The news was like a small piece of caramel. She savoured it, wondering why it continued to surprise her that Byron loved his non-binary sister or had a playlist specifically for driving. Was she so shallow that she thought someone as gorgeous as him had no interior life?

The traffic light before them turned green but before Byron could accelerate, a red Mazda pulled out, ducking into the next lane to illegally overtake them. Byron slowed, letting the other car shoot ahead. “Okay, mate, calm down.”

Beth loosened her grip on the side door handle, trying to breathe.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Sorry!” Her voice was higher than usual. “I’m just… sometimes traffic just…”

Byron reached over, resting a hand on her thigh. “It’s all good.”

Heat seeped through Beth’s skin, a gift from him to her. Her heart was pounding, her mouth dry as dust. She’d been expecting… what? That he’d laugh at her? Roll his eyes? Get angry? Her eyes burned and she clenched her teeth, determined not to cry.

“You okay?” he asked again.

Beth couldn’t say anything. She gripped Byron’s hand and he turned his palm, linking their fingers together. “It’s all good. Take your time.”

They drove down Sydney Road, some electronic song Beth didn’t know pounding into her eardrums. But as they turned into the city, “Sophie” by Goodshirt came on. She closed her eyes and remembered the first time she’d heard it, on her cousin’s MP3 player. “This is a Kiwi classic.”

“The song?”

“Yeah. I was obsessed with it when I was a kid.”

Byron turned the music up, his face the picture of relaxed focus. There was something separate about him, Beth realised. Something that made her a little self-conscious. Everyone lived in their own heads, saw the world through their eyes, but Byron really made you feel it; the impenetrable wall between his thoughts and yours. She wondered what it would be like to love him. Not in a dumb wedding fantasy, toreallylove him.

It would be like living by the ocean, she guessed. A beautiful, mysterious energy. Close but always far. Until Melbourne, she’d always lived by the water, and she missed few things like she missed the ocean, but the beach was always a little melancholy. You were free to love it, of course, but it went on existing without you, wave after wave, day after day.

“So,” Byron said. “Wine Wives.”

Beth’s heart compressed. “What about it?”

“I’ve gone through a few episodes now. I like it. That one about Magnolia and the whole Tom Cruise thing was funny.”

Beth was surprised. She’d assumed he’d had a quick listen to a single episode before moving on with his life. The idea that he’d absorbed more of her content made her feel… uncomfortable. She was proud of Wine Wives, but only women and gay dudes ever said they liked it. Stephen hadn’t listened to her podcast. Her male friends, guy cousins, brothers and dad hadn’t listened to her podcast. Straight guys occasionally stopped by the Apple reviews to call them fat dykes, but Beth doubted they’d actually listened to any episodes. They’d probably just read an article that referenced the podcast as a feminist comedy and stopped by to say hello.

She and Dolly had hardly courted a male audience. On their second episode—a deep dive into the slasher franchise Wolf Creek—Dolly coined what became their sign off phrase.“Thanks for joining us at Wine Wives. Being a woman can be shit, but still… fuck being a man.”

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