Page 125 of Begin Again Again

What about playing football?

“… but I don’t know if I can change.”

Beth turned to face the beach, waiting for the next firework. “I don’t think you have a choice. I think the universe is done letting you stall and it’ll keep throwing opportunities at you until one of them sticks.”

Byron didn’t say anything, but this time Beth was sure she needed to push. “Byron?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think you want to be dead inside.”

“Is that right?”

“Yup. You could talk yourself into it for a while, like I did with drinking. But denial is a lot harder than ignorance. And you’re too smart not to know you can choose something else.”

He gave a muffled snort and Beth’s blood turned to ice. He was laughing. Laughing at her, laughing at—

There was a rasping sob and Byron’s shoulders shook as he buried his face in his hands. Beth wondered how she could have been so stupid. She wrapped her arms around him, trying to hug as much of him as she could. He let her in, pulling her close as his body rattled. “Fuck, fuck,fuck.”

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

Her words rang hollow in her ears. It wasn’t true. Just a knee-jerk reaction to his pain. She might as well have said ‘don’t be upset.’ She rubbed her cheek against his stubble. “I’m sorry, everything isn’t okay. Everything sucks, Byron. I’m so sorry you can’t play football anymore.”

Byron’s shoulders shook harder. “It’s just…I can’t…”

“I know,” Beth said, her own eyes filling with tears. “I can’t imagine loving something so much and having to let it go.”

“Taken,” he choked. “I didn’t let it go. Ineverwould have let it go. I loved the game. I thought it loved me but it’s just… I couldn’t…”

“I’m sorry.” She held him even tighter. “I’m so, so sorry.”

He cried and Beth held him, breathing, trying to let his pain pass through and out of her into the night sky, the open sea, into the last minutes of 2020. Then he stopped and wiped his eyes. “Why do you think I let the game go?”

“Sorry?”

“Don’t. Just say it.”

“I don’t have anything to say.”

“Come on, Horoscopes. Let’s not stop now.”

Beth shuffled backward, moving out of his arms. Byron’s eyes were puffy, but they’d lost the cagey quality they had before. He seemed calm.

“Okay,” she said, heart in her mouth. “I said that because I think you did let it go.”

Silence.

“I bet you still love AFL. But you don’t go see your old team play, you don’t do local footy even though I’m sure you could. And even if your injury is terrible and you can’t risk going on the field…”

He stared at her, stony-faced, giving her nothing.

“… you could still coach or run water or doanything. But you don’t. I don’t think you even watch games on TV.”

He turned his face away.

“And it’s okay,” she said, a little louder. “If it hurts too much, it’s okay to leave it behind. But you can’t say football doesn’t love you, because it does. It loves anyone who loves the game. That’s how sport works.”

He swallowed, making his Adam’s apple quiver. “Do you think I’m a coward?”

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