Page 90 of So Steady

Her mind on seven different things, she didn’t even think. “Of course.”

“How many?”

“Three.”

“All girls?”

“I don’t mind, as long as they’re all healt…” She stared at Noah. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want them.”

Nicole felt like toddler Tabby had sunk her fists into her stomach, the way she did when she used to feed her. “Why?”

He gave her a hard smile. “Because the world’s fucked.”

“But by that logic, no one should do anything.”

He shook his head, the subtext clearly that she didn’t have a clue.

“Shut up!” she said, though he hadn’t spoken. “Are you just scared you’re going to be like your dad?”

Noah’s fake smile vanished. “Don’t talk like you know me.”

“Well I do!”

“Is that what you think?”

“Yes! I’ve seen you being nice to sad customers and playing with the puppies, and you looked after Sam when my dad left and slept on the visitors couch after Greg Sanderson tried to burn our house down.”

“So?”

“So, you’re a nice guy!” she snapped. “You’re nice and you take care of people, and you don’t have to be a dad if you don’t want to, but if it’s just because you’re scared of being like your dad, then you’re a big pussy!”

The word rang around the car like an echo. Noah laughed a short but undeniably authentic laugh. “You okay, Nikki?”

Not anymore. Now her heart was pounding, and her forehead was sweaty, and she didn’t know where to look. She rubbed her palms on her skirt, her mouth slicking with saliva.

“Nicole?” Noah barked. “What’s happening?”

I’m having a panic attack, you melon, she thought, but she couldn’t say it. Panic was gathering like an acid ball in her stomach, and though she tried to stop it, the worst memory rose like a corpse. Crying in the doctor’s office, alone because she couldn’t tell Sam or her dad or anyone where she was, and the doctor’s fake smile. “You don’t need to cry. It’s common. Antibiotics’ll clear it up.”

“Really?” she’d asked between sobs.

“Unless there’s permanent damage to your uterus. Then there can be complications with your fertility.”

And then she’d cried and cried and cried because she’d always wanted to be a mother and now she wouldn’t be, because of stupid, pointless sex with stupid, pointless Greyson, who licked her ears and couldn’t make her come.

“You just need to be more careful,” the doctor had said, rolling her eyes with her voice.

“But I am careful,” she’d said. “I’m always, always careful. Always! I look after my little sister and I cook dinner and….and I wasschool captain!”

And then the doctor had laughed, a high giggle, and Nicole’s walls had turned grey and collapsed in like molding papier-mâché. Noah’s voice was like heavy waves crashing over her brain. Saying things she couldn’t make out. She’d had unprotected sex with him. How could she have done that? Put herself at risk the same way,worsethan the same way.

The van slowed and she heard thetack, tack, tackof the indicator coming on. She shook her head, remembering the hours they had left to travel. “We can’t stop.”

But they were already parked. Noah flicked the hazard lights on and took her hand. “Nikki.”

The van swam back into focus. “Sorry.”

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