Page 92 of Degrees of Control

They’d barely spoken during the flight, something she would normally have passed off on his excessive consumption of sleeping tablets, but she was pretty sure he hadn’t taken any, he’d just closed his eyes and escaped into his own head. When they landed he hadn’t wanted to eat or sleep or talk, instead he’d immediately changed for the party and got himself a beer. The event had only been going for an hour and he was already on his fifth, with no sign of slowing down. That wouldn’t be so bad, but Sophia’s husband Parker kept giving him shots of Patron, which he accepted and downed like medicine.

A stranger might have thought he was at ease, but she could sense the discomfort vibrating beneath his relaxed demeanor. No one did‘stressed? What are you, some kind of loser?’like James, but she knew him better than that. He was laughing, but it sounded like tinder burning, he was smiling but it never touched his eyes. The James she knew was still in his head, doing battle with whatever thoughts were raging in there. It was really starting to freak her out.

Of course the fact that he was talking to one of Sophia’s incredibly tall and attractive coworkers was kind of distracting too. They didn’t seem to be flirting but whenever James smirked at something she said, Charlie’s insides contracted.

Breathe, she told herself,breathe and listen to Sophia. You’re with your friends,bewith your friends.

But the mantra, no matter how many times she repeated it, wasn’t working. She couldn’t pull herself back into the present. Focus didn’t come easy to anyone; that was what Charlie told her clients when they worried they weren’t cut out for yoga. The skill of being where you were took time to acquire, especially in lives full of modern distractions, but sitting with her girlfriends, she felt new empathy for her irritable customers. This was still so fuckinghard.

How could you be mindful when something was wrong with someone you loved and you couldn’t do anything about it? She’d been a fully qualified yoga teacher for five years, taught hundreds of classes, attended more than a thousand. She thought she’d mastered the basics at least, but these past few weeks had been a not-so-friendly tap on the shoulder.

You don’t know everything, it said.Throw in a little boyfriend uncertainty and you can’t calm yourself down at all.

When James moved to Melbourne, everyone had been worried and Charlie could understand why. Aside from enjoying the same kind of sex, they had precious little in common. James was rich and arrogant and thought yoga was for new-age assholes. It would have been crazy to assume they’d even get along, yet alone fall in love, but their edges had fit wonderfully, impossibly well. The past three years had been like a dream. James had become a gentler, more generous version of himself and he made her more wild and spontaneous. It worked and it was easy.

Now she was feeling things she’d long since disassociated with a relationship—doubt, confusion, jealousy and hurt. All the awful parts. James had been acting strange for weeks now, changing their plans and leaving their apartment at weird hours. A few times she’d been tempted to look through his phone, but pulled herself back from the brink just in time. She didn’t believe he was cheating, but somethinghadchanged and for the first time since they’d become a couple, James wasn’t talking to her about it. Without his input, her imagination was free to run wild.

He was in love with someone else. Probably the girl at the juice bar who wrote her number onCharlie’spapaya smoothie.

He missed America and didn’t want to live in Melbourne with her anymore.

He felt trapped in their lower-middle class lifestyle and wanted to go back to wearing five-thousand dollar suits and drinking scotch that was older than she was.

He didn’t like her family or her friends.

He was lonely.

He was bored.

He didn’t love her anymore.

That was the worst theory of all, because if it was true, there was nothing she could do to change it. She was hoping this trip would re-invigorate him, but there was no sign of that happening. When Sophia picked them up at the airport, he hadn’t even teased her, just loaded up their bags and climbed into the passenger seat in silence.

“What’s up your ass?” Sophia had asked. She was six months pregnant and any tact she had previously been capable of mustering when she talked to him was long gone.

“Nothin’,” James said. “What’s up yours?”

“Occasionally Parker, but not right now,” Sophia said, driving them smoothly out of the icy car park.

If Charlie hadn’t already known James was in a strange mood, the fact that he didn’t make a face or swear in protest of this statement would have been all the proof she needed.

“How have you been, Soph?” she’d asked, hoping to distract her friend from further probing James.

“Swelling up like a pumpkin,” Sophia said. “But never mind that. As you may have guessed, I’m throwing you both a party tonight. It’s nothing big, just the softball team and their partners and James’ old sales team andtheirpartners and a few people from home and their partners and cousin Terry and—”

“How many?” James asked tersely.

“Fifty. Three. And maybe ten more will show up later.”

James scowled. “Fuckin’ hell, Sophia we just got here fromAustralia. You know, the other side of the fuckin’ world? You think we might need a rest?”

“Oh, cry me a river.” Sophia turned on the radio so that Phoebe Ryan blasted out of the speakers. “Take a Midol and get over it.”

So here they were at another one of Sophia’s parties. They were admittedly very fabulous with their romantic lighting and excessive food but with James acting so strange, it was hard to enjoy the moment. Being a non-drinker, she always felt a little outside everyone’s circle of fun at parties, but tonight it was like she was an audience member for a TV show called ‘everyone is happier than I am.’

“Charlie?” Sophia asked. “Are you okay?”

She blinked hard, trying to get her eyes to focus. “Yeah, totally fine. Just a little jetlagged.”

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