Page 114 of Degrees of Control

Charlie had been working onThe Book of Jamesfor close to a year, ever since she realised that James needed something to counteract the slew of bad thoughts that played hockey in his head whenever he did anything wrong. For him, every mistake said he was a bad person, an asshole who never did anything right.

She started writing notes in her phone of the nice things he did—taking a coworker out for a beer after a divorce, picking up rubbish when they walked through Carlton gardens, buying her flowers when she lost a yoga client. As the list grew, so did her plans to turn it into something beautiful and memorable. She bought a notebook online and started decorating the pages with all the good things she knew about James alongside pictures donated by Kelsey and Sophia.

They had both contributed stories toThe Book of Jamestoo, writing down memories in which he’d been generous or kind. Kelsey’s had made Charlotte cry when she first read them, the stories about James rescuing injured birds or giving her his backpack because she liked the colours more than her pink one.

Sophia’s stories were more caustic, but that was the nature of her and James’ relationship. At least she admitted her cousin made her laugh and in her final paragraph, said he was a wonderful boyfriend, something Charlie was sure James would appreciate hearing, given how much shit she’d heaped on his head for his past behaviour.

“There’s no order inThe Book of James,” Charlie said. “I don’t know if you noticed but that’s on purpose. It’s because you’re more than a timeline, you’re all of these good things and a million more. I left a bunch of blank pages, so I can keep adding stories, and I will. Even if it embarrasses you, I’m going to make sure you always have proof that you’re a good and valuable person.”

James cupped her cheek and tilted so that they were face to face. “Thank you, baby. I mean that truly, but I already had all the proof I needed. You’re the best person I know and you wouldn’t be with me if I wasn’t a good man. I understand that now.”

It was so much what she wanted to hear, Charlie started to cry, though that was hardly anything new. James set aside his book and pulled her into his arms and they held each other for a long time. It was a cliché, she supposed, but he really did feel like home. When they finally pulled away from one another, her boyfriend’s face was peaceful, warm.

“You look happy,” Charlie said, wiping her eyes.

“That’s because I finally have a plan. Come down to the stables with me?”

“Sure,” she said, a little taken aback by his sudden enthusiasm. “You, um don’t want me to go for a ride, do you?”

James smiled. “Not right now, don’t worry.”

They had gone riding several times in Melbourne, something Charliedidenjoy, but far less than James did. She liked horses, but she was also very small and they were very big. Plus, riding seemed to be predominantly about smashing your labia into a saddle and getting bruises on the insides of both legs.

She and James walked side-by-side to Kelsey’s stables and leaned against the wooden fence. Charlie looked at the three large horses which were standing in a statuesque trio, close but not touching, all of them looking contemplatively in different directions.

“They’re so fierce,” Charlie’s hands were tingling and she was, for some reason, unspeakably nervous. “They’re actually majestic.”

“They are,” James agreed. “I’m kinda jealous Kelsey gets to have this. I always wanted my own horses, when I grew up.”

“You’re a grown up now.”

“I am.” James turned to look at her, his Adam’s apple bobbing and Charlie justknew. She held her breath, her insides contracting with fear and excitement.

James exhaled shakily and took her hand. “Charlotte?”

“Yes?” she managed to squeak out.

He slid down on one knee and she was human enough to wonder if any rocks were hurting his knee, before she did the stereotypical thing—she teared up as though tears had been waiting for hundreds of years and started babbling, “ohmigod, what are you doing? Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod.”

“Charlotte,” James said. “I’ve spent a long time thinkin’ about how this should go, freaking out because I didn’t have the perfect words or the perfect place. Then I realised why I was scared had nothing to do with that, I was just afraid—fuckin’ shocker, I know.”

Charlotte felt hot water running down her cheeks, but she didn’t look away, didn’t say a word.

“When I was readin’ that book I realised, you understand me better than anyone. I need to trust that knowledge. I thought I had to be strong enough for both of us and I do have to be strong, but I also have to be humble enough to know that when I’m feelin’ weak, you’ll protect me. We’re a team and that means believing in the team, believing that you feel as lucky as I do to be here. That bein’ said…”

His hand tightened around hers and he reached into his pocket and pulled out…two rings.

He plucked one out. “This is the uh, purity ring I took off of you when we had sex. Thought you might like that back. Sorry about bein’ a dick.”

“Totally cool and the sex was mostly amazing.” Charlie took the small silver disk and tucked it into her jeans pocket. “Thank you. And, um, what about the other ring?”

“Uh that’s to ask…” James cleared his throat. “Miss Charlotte Bell, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

Charlie smiled as tears continued to run down her face. “Of course.”

James turned away nodding, looking pleased and kind of like he was going to cry again. “Jus’…jus’ give me a sec.”

“Okay.”

---